Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for several months now. We've bith been divorced, both have two girls each, ranging in ages 9-6.
This girl is great, we're very communicative and she is a very giving person by nature, and very much into the idea of family. She is so nice, cares for my girls, and has even taken an interest in helping me with my mother who's in a nursing home. So what's wrong, you ask? :)
I'm finding that over time, I'm disliking the time I spend with her kids, they're not terrible kids, but their behavior and respect for others isn't the greatest. And when my kids are around them, their behavior seems to suffer also.
The most concerning to me is that my girlfriend had placed somewhat of an ultimatum on me. She lives in a tiny cottage on her sisters farm, and the situation isn't exactly the best. So she's looking to move out this summer. She has made it clear that she expects to move in with me. She doesn't want to get a different place because she feels it would be too unstable for her girls - she wants to simply move right in. By that point, we'll have been together pretty much almost a year. I'm not excited about the pressure this places on me, especially when I'm starting to have doubts on whether I even want to be part of a blended family with her girls. Not to mention her forward ness. Even if I didn't have concerns about her girls, creating a stepfamily with 4 young girls is not a decision I'd make in so short of a time anyway. Call me gunshy...
I'm thinking things are moving too fast. Otherwise she's a good and mature woman. I think. Any thoughts of encouragement or words of wisdom wild be welcome. Thanks!
This girl is great, we're very communicative and she is a very giving person by nature, and very much into the idea of family. She is so nice, cares for my girls, and has even taken an interest in helping me with my mother who's in a nursing home. So what's wrong, you ask? :)
I'm finding that over time, I'm disliking the time I spend with her kids, they're not terrible kids, but their behavior and respect for others isn't the greatest. And when my kids are around them, their behavior seems to suffer also.
The most concerning to me is that my girlfriend had placed somewhat of an ultimatum on me. She lives in a tiny cottage on her sisters farm, and the situation isn't exactly the best. So she's looking to move out this summer. She has made it clear that she expects to move in with me. She doesn't want to get a different place because she feels it would be too unstable for her girls - she wants to simply move right in. By that point, we'll have been together pretty much almost a year. I'm not excited about the pressure this places on me, especially when I'm starting to have doubts on whether I even want to be part of a blended family with her girls. Not to mention her forward ness. Even if I didn't have concerns about her girls, creating a stepfamily with 4 young girls is not a decision I'd make in so short of a time anyway. Call me gunshy...
I'm thinking things are moving too fast. Otherwise she's a good and mature woman. I think. Any thoughts of encouragement or words of wisdom wild be welcome. Thanks!
Sorry to say, but from what I read in your story its more a relationship of convenience for you, but not a true love. When you really love someone you love everything in them and around them. If her kids irritate you and she is their mother, she will soon irritate you too. You need to be honest to her, not just for your own good, but for her too, because it seems like she is in the pink cloud, yet setting herself for a failure.
Love, respect and honesty come in one package for both people involved.
In anyway, good luck.
It will be better with the same independent type as you.
Good luck. :)
But It is so great that you two sat down and put your cards on the table.
Now you know right?
You may have dodged a bullet!!
Oh and Happy Birthday!
I would agree that my gf fell in love faster, and simply was moving at a pace faster than mine. It was also a situation where I entered into this relationship with one thought of what I wanted, and that changed throughout the course of it. She is everything I'd hope for in a girlfriend, but the idea of blending our families and being around her kids more than my own is more of an issue than I thought it would be. Especially after spending time with her kids. My only concern with her has been some codependency traits she has displayed, (who's perfect?) but otherwise she's a good giving person.
Still not sure I made the right decision - what makes me think I did was because I refused to be given an ultimatum on something I don't feel comfortable with. Also beginning to realize that the ultimatum may have helped me to realize the underlying issues I had with our arrangement...
Your honesty on this forum about not being too fond of her kids is refreshing with respect to you being truthful about it. However, I guess I am used to adults typically not necessarily disliking kids. I guess I look at kids are not fully mature yet and they are learning about life and theirselves. I think I was a good kid growing up, but I was a nave kid and had a lot to learn. I appreciated adults who cared for me unconditionally even though I was ignorant about a lot of things. Adults can mentor and help kids mature and learn values.
I like your decision from the standpoint of not letting your gf put pressure on you or give you an ultimatum. But perhaps you can cut her kids a break. Even confused or nave kids and grow into great adults with the proper guidance and help from the adults in their lives.