Kids or no, moving in with someone too soon or because it's given as an ultimatum is pretty much a death wish in a relationship. The fact that there ARE kids involved only makes it worse. This girl may be looking to create a stable environment for her girls, but this relationship will not work if a huge step is being made without both parties being on the same page. When things go wrong, it will create an even harder situation for them.

When my mom and stepdad got together, I was 8. He would come over for dinner and we would all do things during the day together, but he never stayed the night in the house if my brother and I were there and he didn't move in until they got married. My stepdad had two boys of his own. It was their way of integrating the families and everyone getting to know each other, but also making a smooth transition.

If this isn't something that YOU really want, you're going to have to tell her that it's too soon and that you aren't on board with it. If you don't want to specifically cite her children's behavior, put it on yourself. You aren't ready to have her move in, it's too soon in the relationship, etc. But you can't allow it if you aren't really uncomfortable or because it's just the more convenient solution for her.

To someone like me - a divorcee with kids this behavior is raising some strong feelings of " run! Run! Run!"
I think her behavior is unreasonable, manipulative and controlling, as if she is looking to fulfill her needs only and does not have any concern for the needs of others around her. It would
Really turn me off.
I have date a lot after my divorce and I think exposing my children to my new date after just a few weeks is dangerous and insensitive. Children grieve over their parents' divorce no matter what they say. It is extremely rare for a non-bio parent to get even close to acting like a bio parent and this creates all kinds of problems for the kids. Why would I want expose them to this so early on? What if my date is a complete jerk? Also instead of getting to know each other we are babysitting our kids. We are not married .. Maybe we are looking to get there, but certainly not in the first month of dating.

The second issue - she is already demanding to move in and she is not standing on her own to feet. Who does that? Crazy people do, users do.

I suspect this is only going to get worse if this happens.
Your life will likely change for the worse, your children will be affected and it will lead to another messy break up.
My advice is to say " no" , we are NOT moving in.
I am not ready for a marriage like relationship after a few months of dating. Also stop spending time together with kids present all the time.
Kids need you. She is hogging your precious time wih them.
If she freaks out - good. She will break it off and you can find some normal person.
However, next time wait 4-6 months to introduce another woman to your kids. Mine met only 1 person and I split wih their dad 6 years ago. I waited 3 years to move in with the man I am
With.
Good luck.

Wow...both VERY GOOD replies from September and Aronia!

I had a similar situation happen to me last year, only it was my boyfriend, who only after 4 months of dating wanted to get a place together right away and was talking about marriage shortly after doing that. I was VERY uncomfortable with that, and told him that since we were both mature adults and striving for the most healthy relationships in our lives possible this time around, that I was going to be straight up with him, and told him I was uncomfortable with that.

I explained that it is my opinion that people who are exclusively dating each other for AT LEAST 2 years should definitely know all of the other person's living habits, morals, principles, quirks, addictions (if any), etc. in that time (if they can keep their eyes and ears wide open during this time and not let the "honeymoon phase" cloud their observations). No one in their right mind needs to live together first before marriage to see how another person handles the way they deal with life, family, their health, money, work, religion, other relationships, hobbies, etc. The reason I say 'AT LEAST 2 years,' is because this has been shown that this period of time is the average period of time to get through the "honeymoon phase" of dating someone and truly start seeing their "true colors."

Think about it, too....if you aren't comfortable talking with your girlfriend about things like this out in the open like two healthy, mature adults, it will only get worse in the future with you holding things in that mean a lot to you. And, we all know that any relationship, not just with significant other's, goes down hill really fast when great communication is stifled.

I wish you only the best in dealing with your situation, OhBoy!

Man I love all the responses here!

I think you should tell her exactly what you have told us here. That you just are not ready.

She should get her own place, my goodness that is not going to upset her kids good grief!!

You listed a whole lot of stuff you don't like about her. I say cut your losses and run.

If you are uncomfortable moving in with her at this stage in your relationship, it behooves you to tell her sooner than later. A blended family, even in the best of circumstances, is always difficult. We always have something to say about other people's kids. Let's face it...we are harder on the parenting choices of other parents than we are on ourselves and we have less patience for other people's kids and their behavior quirks. Regardless, if you aren't comfortable with the idea, doing it will definitely not turn into some fantasy situation. Quite the contrary...you'll end up feeling resentful and this will spill over into the relationship. Then the kids will pick up on the tension and will act out in their own ways. Think her kids are bad already? Just wait...if they feel any animosity at all towards their mother from you, you'll really have a tough situation on your hands.

Your best bet is to just be honest with her and tell her you aren't ready to combine households. And, if you aren't sure you want to keep dating her, you should have that conversation as well. Despite her faults, she deserves to know if you don't intend to keep the relationship going so she can move on. While it's not fair you are being put in this predicament by her, it's not fair to her to keep her thinking she's in a relationship destined for the wedding chapel if you are seriously considering breaking it off.

I think the other advice given was great but I don't know if I think she's so much crazy as being led to believe this is more serious a relationship than you apparently think it is. Honestly, I don't think moving in after a year is crazy soon but that's my own opinion, especially considering everyone's already met and spends time together. But, maybe I'm alone in this thinking. In her eyes, maybe everything that's happened so far as led her to believe this isn't outside the realm of possibility. And, unless you've hinted strongly that this ISN'T a possibility, I won't sit here and make her out to be some crazy woman with psycho motives. But...that's just me.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Honesty really is the way to go. And...SOON. No sense leading someone on...that's simply very unfair to everyone involved.

@redhead - that was great advice for this poster :)

*like*

OF COURSE she wants to move herself and her kids right in with you--it's cheaper for her! I agree with everyone else--tell her what you told us here. And explain the negative effects her kids' behavior are having on your kids' behavior. This'll probably turn her off so much that YOU won't even have to run--SHE'LL run.

Thanks for your comments, everyone. Really good advice. I wanted to do somewhat of a sanity check before I talked to her by posting on here.

I actually did talk to her quite a bit last night, and put my feelings out there. It ended with us ending the relationship. Basically, she is not willing to compromise on not moving in and waiting another year (because she does not want to move her kids in the middle of a school year), and I'm not comfortable doing it at that point.

I don't think she is crazy, but is quite comfortable and is ready to act on it, whereas I started off comfortable with the relationship, until I began to feel like this wasn't something I really wanted. Which stinks for everyone...

Because she is who she is, she still followed through on surprising me at my office this morning by decorating my office for my birthday. Even though we broke up last night. :(

One of those situations where she's a great girl, but bad timing/circumstance, I guess...

I forgot to add, I do feel this was the best choice, because I've seen this behavior manifested in other ways. For instance, pushing hard for "sleepovers" with the kids, and time on weekends I have them, even when we agree that i want/need some time with just my kids. She'll agree initially, but then push hard when that weekend comes up. Even though she "understands," her actions put herself first. I just see this getting worse in other areas, if I just go along with these things..

Just some observations I'm realizing now, I guess...

While I'm sad the relationship ended OhBoy, I really give both of you props for standing firm in what you want and not compromising. Like you said...bad timing and the circumstances didn't permit everyone to get what they wanted.

At least you both know and can move on to find a relationship that works for you both. Breakups aren't fun and we are always here if you need to vent or a shoulder.

(((HUGS)))

I think just about everyone here will agree that you did the best thing possible with the situation. I don't think anyone here really thought the girl was "crazy", just that she was pushing for something that probably wasn't in anyone's best interest. No matter how great a person is, timing and circumstance is always a factor in successful relationships and there are many people in much mess complicated situations that have had to deal with the same. It happens to everyone, it almost always sucks, but you have to look out for you and yours first.

If you are even questioning this, then you're not ready for this big of a decision. In a healthy relationship, no one should be pushy or demanding or made to feel "trapped" into such a huge deal. If you're not comfortable with telling her why, then to me that is not good either. In a healthy relationship, open communication is a must. The relationship should just naturally flow to this point so recognizing your worries now is actually a good thing. Think long and hard before committing to this. It's really hard to "combine" families, especially when you are concerned about things. Remember, this decision affects kids so even more important to be cautious!!! And I agree, the sooner you tell her the better, she needs to know so she can think about other options. Good luck.

Good on you, man, for making a decision and handling this mess like an adult. You did what needed to be done when it needed to be done.

Wow.. She is not willing to compromise? She has a problem pulling her kids out of school in the middle of the year but she has no problem moving in the kids with a man she barely knows.
I feel sorry for her kids.
As sad I am to see you break up, but it is best for you and your kids.
She showed her true colors quckily. A woman who truly loves you will take it easy and wait and be sensitive. She is just looking to land a man who will take care of her. :-(