Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi everyone,
I'm single and mingling after that fiasco with my possessive ex. I am quite sure I am over her so that's definitely out of the picture. Anyway the problem here is lately I've been dating and I've met some particularly interesting women. However the moment they show interest and/or things get hot and heavy (aka making out), I immediately lose interest. I don't know is it because it was too easy which I know makes me sound like an asshole.
Which brings me to a particular girl, let's just called Lovene. Lovene is a young and super successful woman at age 26 she owns a few businesses. We hit it off spectacularly initially when we started chatting on a dating app. I thought she was a riot, acidic tongued and confident woman. It excited me how she could talk to me intellectually and I loved that.
Then we met and she lost that fire in the conversations we had. She profusely apologized because she felt way too insecure around me due to the way I look (again a problem like my last ex). And she feels that due to the nature of my work in fashion and design my life seems so much more exciting then hers. She started to get a little needy and I got more uncomfortable as this reminded me too much of my possessive ex.
I had trouble telling her I needed space to think but the good thing is that she sensed her own neediness and offered me the breathing space which I gladly accepted. I have offered her reassurance that I am exclusively dating her and its only been a week but I am starting feel more and more unsure of her. We have not slept together and I am also losing interest in that dept....
I'm not sure what to do cos when we're not meeting face to face its like I am talking to a dynamic woman but when she sees me she's all shy and withdrawn. She's not like this with her businesses tho. I don't know if I should continue on or let her go gently. I fear if I let go I am letting go a dynamic woman and I fear if I hold on I will be hurting her.
I'm single and mingling after that fiasco with my possessive ex. I am quite sure I am over her so that's definitely out of the picture. Anyway the problem here is lately I've been dating and I've met some particularly interesting women. However the moment they show interest and/or things get hot and heavy (aka making out), I immediately lose interest. I don't know is it because it was too easy which I know makes me sound like an asshole.
Which brings me to a particular girl, let's just called Lovene. Lovene is a young and super successful woman at age 26 she owns a few businesses. We hit it off spectacularly initially when we started chatting on a dating app. I thought she was a riot, acidic tongued and confident woman. It excited me how she could talk to me intellectually and I loved that.
Then we met and she lost that fire in the conversations we had. She profusely apologized because she felt way too insecure around me due to the way I look (again a problem like my last ex). And she feels that due to the nature of my work in fashion and design my life seems so much more exciting then hers. She started to get a little needy and I got more uncomfortable as this reminded me too much of my possessive ex.
I had trouble telling her I needed space to think but the good thing is that she sensed her own neediness and offered me the breathing space which I gladly accepted. I have offered her reassurance that I am exclusively dating her and its only been a week but I am starting feel more and more unsure of her. We have not slept together and I am also losing interest in that dept....
I'm not sure what to do cos when we're not meeting face to face its like I am talking to a dynamic woman but when she sees me she's all shy and withdrawn. She's not like this with her businesses tho. I don't know if I should continue on or let her go gently. I fear if I let go I am letting go a dynamic woman and I fear if I hold on I will be hurting her.
I know some alpha women who are great partners to their women, but having work relationships with them and knowing how they act and whay they say would turn me off too .
I m not an expert on gay relationships of course, but i think we are all the same when it comes to love, feelings, etc.
Maybe you could try dating a different type lf a woman - an artist or someone in the medical field ( not a business owner)
I had my own business once. This job can be very cutthroat. I didnt like who i had to be to make it run smoothly.
Maybe the type of women you are attracted to just cant leave their aggressive personity behind the office doors when they leave.
I understand you are saying that the new girl is shy, but i think deep down you know that it is only a matter of time before she relaxes and starts actint like herself. She does resemble your ex and i think this is why you feel hesitant to proceed - because it hurt so good...
I hope things get better! Let me know what you think.
But in person act much different!
I had that happen to me. I was emailing with this guy and he was SO funny! I really liked him. But in real life he was a bore!
hahahaa!
I also sort of agree with Aronia. You may need to date a different type of woman.
If she calls dibs on you after only a week...I'd run in the other direction...
Oh I am well aware I need to date different types of women, just so happen Lovene is quite similar to an ex of mine. I had a talk with her last night and she confessed to me that she hides behind the armor of her success. In truth she doesn't know anything beyond making money and looking the part of a successful business woman.
I did feel something off about her when I met her, like her confidence seems fake. While I do feel bad for her insecurities in relationships, I don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole...I despise this flaw of hers. I'm trying to be nice to her but whatever initial sparks I had of her is pretty much gone.
I don't know how to tell her nicely that its better if we remain friends. I know this sounds like high school. Maybe I just needed to rant. Hahaha
If i know that someone is capable of doing certain things, i am pretty certain it will spill into our relationship whether it is friendship or romantic. Of course there are exceptions, but most of the time this is right. This is why i dont date successful businessmen. Just not my thing.
Dont be afraid to stop this if it doesnt feel right to you. Now is the time. :-)
I think thats especially true since you are relating your current experiences to your relationship with the ex girlfriend. If you arent able to separate new girl/new situation from old, youre not going to be able to move on successfully.
Youre likely prolonging it, actually.
Whats wrong with taking some time to be by yourself? You sound like a catch - let some fantastic woman come to YOU!
Thanks for your thoughts! I talked more with her last night. Perhaps yeah I am not date ready....I've already rejected 2 other ladies all with potential. Im learning from past experiences to be picky and not just fall in. (I fall in love easily especially with the bad girls)
I really really want to like Lovene...the problem is...i felt nothing when i kissed her. I did some self reflection and I've come to terms that I like women who are unavailable or tough to date. I guess you can say I addicted to the chase and challenge. Lovene here, tho she possesses traits from exes past she is her own woman and she has been gracious about my need for space and time to think.
How can I undo my need for chase and challenge and accept the nice girls that come along that are actually good for me??
I wouldn't even call it shy.. Slow - to- warm is the right term.
I caved, this morning was the last straw. She flipped when I didn't reply to her message immediately. It was a red flag that reminded me of my possessive ex. So I told her how I really felt about her. To be honest, I know I am suppose to feel relieved but I can't seem to explain why I feel like I have disappointed her.
It's so easy, I think, for people to bend constantly to make something work....but, eventually, if it bends too much, it snaps....and that's usually because one changed their authentic self to make something work, instead of being in a conducive relationship that met them halfway.
Don't compromise your wants/needs/expectations....I think you did awesome!!
The sad thing is how you said you "despise" something about this woman. Wow that's a powerful statement and it says a lot about you too. Let this girl go and maybe don't date until you can accept that people are human and we all have flaws and insecurities.