Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi everyone,
I'm single and mingling after that fiasco with my possessive ex. I am quite sure I am over her so that's definitely out of the picture. Anyway the problem here is lately I've been dating and I've met some particularly interesting women. However the moment they show interest and/or things get hot and heavy (aka making out), I immediately lose interest. I don't know is it because it was too easy which I know makes me sound like an asshole.
Which brings me to a particular girl, let's just called Lovene. Lovene is a young and super successful woman at age 26 she owns a few businesses. We hit it off spectacularly initially when we started chatting on a dating app. I thought she was a riot, acidic tongued and confident woman. It excited me how she could talk to me intellectually and I loved that.
Then we met and she lost that fire in the conversations we had. She profusely apologized because she felt way too insecure around me due to the way I look (again a problem like my last ex). And she feels that due to the nature of my work in fashion and design my life seems so much more exciting then hers. She started to get a little needy and I got more uncomfortable as this reminded me too much of my possessive ex.
I had trouble telling her I needed space to think but the good thing is that she sensed her own neediness and offered me the breathing space which I gladly accepted. I have offered her reassurance that I am exclusively dating her and its only been a week but I am starting feel more and more unsure of her. We have not slept together and I am also losing interest in that dept....
I'm not sure what to do cos when we're not meeting face to face its like I am talking to a dynamic woman but when she sees me she's all shy and withdrawn. She's not like this with her businesses tho. I don't know if I should continue on or let her go gently. I fear if I let go I am letting go a dynamic woman and I fear if I hold on I will be hurting her.
I'm single and mingling after that fiasco with my possessive ex. I am quite sure I am over her so that's definitely out of the picture. Anyway the problem here is lately I've been dating and I've met some particularly interesting women. However the moment they show interest and/or things get hot and heavy (aka making out), I immediately lose interest. I don't know is it because it was too easy which I know makes me sound like an asshole.
Which brings me to a particular girl, let's just called Lovene. Lovene is a young and super successful woman at age 26 she owns a few businesses. We hit it off spectacularly initially when we started chatting on a dating app. I thought she was a riot, acidic tongued and confident woman. It excited me how she could talk to me intellectually and I loved that.
Then we met and she lost that fire in the conversations we had. She profusely apologized because she felt way too insecure around me due to the way I look (again a problem like my last ex). And she feels that due to the nature of my work in fashion and design my life seems so much more exciting then hers. She started to get a little needy and I got more uncomfortable as this reminded me too much of my possessive ex.
I had trouble telling her I needed space to think but the good thing is that she sensed her own neediness and offered me the breathing space which I gladly accepted. I have offered her reassurance that I am exclusively dating her and its only been a week but I am starting feel more and more unsure of her. We have not slept together and I am also losing interest in that dept....
I'm not sure what to do cos when we're not meeting face to face its like I am talking to a dynamic woman but when she sees me she's all shy and withdrawn. She's not like this with her businesses tho. I don't know if I should continue on or let her go gently. I fear if I let go I am letting go a dynamic woman and I fear if I hold on I will be hurting her.
If you're using online dating to meet women, bypass that and just go up and talk to women in person along your travels. Then at least the looks thing will be right up-front out there in the open, and you can work on getting to know the inner core...if they want you to.
Our instincts, assuming we are emotionally healthy, are almost always a good first alarm. I use them and if those bells are ringing...I run.
I dated this guy briefly and, honestly, when you were telling of Lovene, it reminded me of him almost uncanningly. I was still relatively *new* to dating after my divorce, pretty naive. I had little alarms at first. Nothing I could quite put my finger on. But it was like something was telling me this wasn't a good idea. I ignored it. I absolutely didn't love him but I did like him a lot (he was SO charming) so I kept pursuing it. After about 2 months, he started getting psycho controlling. Told me I had to quit smoking, bought me clothes because he didn't like that I wore a lot of black tops, didn't let me drink, really weird shit. Thank GOD he had a weird schedule or I'd probably have never been able to leave the house. Hindsight being what it is, I was a complete idiot but that's besides the point. I didn't tell him to piss off...not yet anyway. Come to find out he was/is an anabolic steroid user...had been for many many years. Totally paranoid and psycho. Alarm bells were going off but it wasn't until I found out he was still technically married and him and his "wife" were "house sharing," that I said, "oh f&%k no," and dumped his ass. For about 3 weeks I got hang up phone calls, he tried to get into my mail box at my apartment, and even somehow got my ex-husband's number and was harassing him. I was on a casual date (first one) with this nice guy (but no sparks) and we went for a walk on the lake (we drove from the restaurant in his car as he was totally harmless)...I left my purse in the car under the seat and the car was broken into and my purse stolen. Luckily I had my phone on me but, to this day, I swear it was the psycho. I could have sworn I saw him there but it's a popular beach during nice weather and there were tons of people around so I thought maybe I was hallucinating. Deep down, I don't think I was.
Even now, after like almost 4 years, his older son (16) will try and friend me on Facebook.
Anyhow, listen to those instincts...if someone is flipping out after such a short period...it only gets worse...trust me.
The fact is...it's not likely to work if there aren't sparks flying and alarm bells.
~Michelle