Hi Find_urself, We were all writing to you on your other thread but I just wanted to offer support here, too. I did not know he was texting a female co worker, I thought he was texting a bunch of random girls off the internet. Since this is someone he works with, you have a bigger reason to be concerned that he is having an affair.

Cheaters and liars say a bunch of stuff to make you feel better, but it is their actions that speak louder than words.

I have experience with cheaters and liars, and in your situation, he needs to want to stop doing this and then he has to stop completely. You can not make him stop. He either chooses his marriage and wife and kids, or he chooses to communicate with other women.

None of this is your fault. But allowing him to do this will only make him do it more and with more women and the marriage would probably end anyway. You need to speak up and see if he is going to fight for your marriage or not. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

I hope the counselor will help you get through this and I wish you the best. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It CAN get better and it can be fixed, but you are going to have to put your foot down and not allow this to keep going on, too. The more you are allowing it, sounds like he is talking to more and more women. Again, not your fault at all that he is doing this, but as you said before, it is almost like you are "okay" with this if you are waiting and hoping it will get better or making excuses for why he is cheating.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi Girlincalif,

Thank you for your comment. I saw my counselor today. Ill prob stick with one support group session still figuring out. DS. Each support group i can basically relate n feel for. my updates is breakup/divorce. So long to be copying n pasting.

Appreciate all advice, thank you. ❤

Once a cheater always a cheater and in my eyes texting another woman is cheating! I definitely would not give him another chance. I have learned the hard way through my marriage the more you put up with the more crap they put out!

It sounds like a lot of codependence on your part to think you can fix him or fix the marriage. It shocked me to my core when I figured out my part in things and my need for fixing, changing others rather than myself. When I read up on codependence (and there is a support group on here), I was floored to see myself and my behaviors in all the pages of the book. I thought I was doing the right thing by fixing and pushing others to change. When I knew I was done with my ex, who lied and much worse, I started just telling him what he wanted to hear "Oh, okay" type of stuff. He'd look me in the face and say he was going to go to work and then I'd snoop on his text messages and he was meeting some woman in a bar. Or he'd tell me he stayed out all night because the woman he was working with got sick and he had to help her but oh, yeah, she's a lesbian. I just was like "oh, okay, that must have been tough" or some other BS. I started making my plan to get out of the marriage on the sly because I was going to Al Anon and doing my emotional healing work and realizing this was not fixable by me, plus I no longer accepted that having a crummy husband was all I was worth. He has only gotten worse or so I have heard from my adult kids so I feel I actually rescued myself even though divorce is hard. Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer? Google it and start saying it to yourself. Recognize what you can change, who you can change (ourselves), and what you can't. My ex would look me in the eyes and lie. My relative will look me in the eyes and lie. Some people lie easily. It isn't about us, they do it to everyone, anyone.

Hi RaeLynn,

Thank you for ur comment, i definitely hear and know what you mean. I have always had my views like that also. I see it as cheating even if i have no evidence nothing sexual has happen that i know of. I have use to have high standards and morals, yet i have been going the opposite direction staying in this relationship with things spiral down. I never thought i was going to fall n end up in these situations. Here i am. I know for me, i cant speak for others, i find it so difficult, when i fell in love with someone who gone through so much with me n acting this way n treating me this way.

Hi Urbangardener,

Thank you for ur comments. I can hear and feel everyone words n advice.

Your story is almost on point on how he acts.

I used to go a woman groups for 2 years to help with my anxiety n depression.

Working with my counselor again n looking in my area for support group. With all this covid, everything seem more online nowadays. But im glad i found DS.

Find_urself,

Hope this message finds you in a better place! Being a divorcee, the physical cheating is bad but the worst part the the emotional cheating. To your point, him sharing his time, feelings and energy on someone other than you is much more of an issue than sleeping with someone else. I hope happiness and more importantly, honesty finds you!

I think this gives a really good picture of codependency.... I am so sorry that you're hurting and being hurt by someone who should honour you and care for you..... Big hug.....xo

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201902/escaping-the-codependent-narcissist-trap

Hi suncloudjd.

Thank u for the link. Yes codependency really hits some key points.

Me n my counselor is working on my patterns, how to determine false belief of myself, the blame etc. Work in progress on finding myself n my selfworth.

Thank u again for commenting

The cause of the sorts of problems you're experiencing is rooted in the way our culture has been socialized to think about relationships. Because of that, the first step toward a real solution, rather than repeating the cycle, is recognizing that our own biases are the biggest obstacles. If we can learn how to set them aside long enough to see the truth, the pieces begin to fall into place.

Maybe they're just friend's Men and Women can have friend's of the opposite sex. Where the text out of line,

They can but then there is no reason to hide or lie about the texts then. Legit friendships lend themselves to transparency.

That is true

Hi, thank you all for commenting. I took a couples days off from.social media. Im back.

The worst thing you could do is avoid your own husband. Confront him on his issues and sort them out.