Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I feel like I have no one on my side, no one to talk to and no one who understands me. I've been married for 16 years, 5 kids and my husband is a narcissist. It took me a long time to understand what was happening, I'm constantly trying to be better, do better, try harder, not mess up, keep him happy. But I'm so far lost I don't know what else I can do to make things better. There has to be a limit to what I can take and I think I'm well past it. I give and give and just have nothing left to give. What is the point when I get nothing back for it? Everything I do or talk about is criticized and picked apart and I feel like I am worthless and never enough for him. I feel ashamed and weak and just give in to whatever he says so I can find a small amount of peace between the random outbursts. I hate to be such a disappointment to him even though I feel I am doing my best and doing what needs to be done for the kids. Parenting is hard and I'm not perfect but I do what is best for them and the situations, I make sacrifices and do what I can to make sure they are happy. My husband gets jealous and upset that I put them first, he doesn't get his time and that just makes everything 10x worse. My thoughts and ideas are always stupid, it's always about what he wants. He can be mean and cruel and use things about my family to hurt me.
I feel like I'm ranting and just complaining. I don't understand how he could possibly love me when he treats me like this, everything he says I do to him, he does to me but never admits it and just changes the subject to something i did. A long time ago when it all started to make sense I realized I don't care anymore, I'm here for my kids, I just need to be here for them and deal with what ever he piles onto me. I've lied over small things to make him happy, I think it was just a way I coped with the random things he gets upset with rather than deal with an argument over something stupid. So over the years I'm just a liar and he can't believe anything I say, that's my fault and I was stupid for lying, he uses that against me all the time, I admit it's wrong to lie, it's only made things worse.
I'm to much of a shell of a person to speak up what I really feel, it's hard to say you love someone who treats you so badly, yet I still find myself doing all the things I think I should to show him I love him. I'm at the point where if everything I do for him is criticized and I'm so worthless then what is the point in me trying at all anymore? He doesn't do anything for me to show affection or care, he works and provides me and the kids a home and nice things, we get by and have fun but live an average lifestyle which I am greatful for, but is that worth losing myself and feeling like I can't make it through the day? Why doesn't he see all that I do around the house, for the kids, for him, for us as a family, why doesn't he see what I do and that I put in so much effort? How can a person make another person feel so bad and think they are right?
I dont really even feel like these words describe everything that goes on, I feel like I'm just complaining and stupid for not doing anything to change the situation. Even my therapist told me I'm in a toxic relationship and she can't help me unless I make a change and leave..that really just made me feel worse and let down. What can I do, I have kids to think of and it seems selfish to change their lives because I'm so unhappy. I just keep thinking how much better things will be in 14 years when the youngest is on their own, which is just sad.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Let it out... This is a good place to do just that
If you're husband is a narcissist he has a serious personality disorder thus you can't fix that sweetie... No matter what you do to try it won't work because this is something serious within him and really has nothing to do with you
If you can get into some in person therapy or support as well as here it might be a big help to you
Big hug and a blessing... xo
I also want to suggest you get on YouTube and find Dr Ramani about narcissism. Get educated.
I used to have the name of a good book about coparenting with a narcissist, can't remember what it was called but you can google these.
You have a choice right now. You can make the choice to stay and improve yourself at this time. You work on you. Start by reading the books and watching Dr. Ramami. Start by making small changes. I disagree with your therapist that you HAVE TO LEAVE but you can't just wallow in this negativity and stay and be unhappy. Well, that is a choice you have. But she can't help you if you aren't willing to make some kind of forward movement.
I was married almost 30 years and endured a lot of his self absorption and drug use and drinking and abuse in the bedroom. I had planned I would divorce and got myself a job, started saving cash, got myself a private bank account, etc. Learned about divorce in my state, found a good attorney. I waited till my youngest was a senior in high school because I didn't want any of my kids to have visitation with him alone, he had "taken care" of them twice when I was sick or went to a woman's weekend, and he didn't feed them and ignored them or he would kick my youngest when he got angry. So I planned ahead and waiting.
And you know what, I did it for the kids but in the end, I realized he sucked my soul dry and then he did parental alienation with the adult kids. They now won't speak to me and appease him with anything he demands. But God is good and I have a good life now, I help people in a support group, I live in another city, am married to a guy who doesn't abuse me in the bedroom, and who values me.
You may not be at the right therapist but if you aren't willing to even work on gaining coping skills to stick it out until you are ready to go, well a therapist is not magic. You have to decide that the whole family dynamics is bad for the kids. I thought I could stay and pretend happy family and they would come out okay. Well they didn't. I thought this is what a loving mom did. I don't know what to advise you but I do know you have to do more healthy thinking, get deep with yourself and gain coping skills, and figure out why you would have picked a narcissist in the first place. You have to gain a backbone so he stops running you over. I know how hard this is. I picked this guy because he wanted me and I thought that was love. My one true love in high school dumped me and I thought if this new guy loved me and wanted me and was so enmeshed that that was love. Figure out you, don't just mourn and beat yourself up.
We can learn to be happy in difficult situations but we can't change the other person. Narcissistic people are often not good marriage partners. You are supposed to support their emotional wellness because they are actually weak and unhappy inside. They pretend to be wonderful, great guys or gals, and it is all fake. So find yourself, find out what is lovable and wonderful about yourself, grow emotionally and stick it out as long as you can. Until you are ready to fly away free.