Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

9,961 Members
13,641 Posts
1 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Healthy Relationships Support Group

The Silent Treatment!

Rosewaterrain
Rosewaterrain


My husband constantly gives me the silent treatment and it's usually over the smallest of arguments! It's mentally draining!! Sometimes I don't even know what I have done or said to upset him but I know I have done something because he is not speaking to me! Instead of communicating about the issue like an adult, he is just ignoring me. I walk around on eggshells, hoping that the ice will melt quickly and there can just be peace for a few days until something else annoys or upsets him!


I have recently done a lot of research on silent treatment and why it is used in relationships. I always thought I was to blame and would always give in and apologize as I can not handle the anxiety I experience when I am ignored for days/weeks! I battle to concentrate at work and I am already on anti-depressants. The silent treatment is a common game of emotional chicken that can be extremely debilitating to a marriage, I know this!! I know this way of dealing with issues is not productive, there needs to be communication! I have told him this over 100 times but he does not take me seriously. I am tired of crying, begging for forgiveness, asking him to please talk to me, pleading with him to not get annoyed so quickly...I am TIRED!!


 


I have realized this is a way to try and inflict emotional pain on me as a consequence of his feelings of anger or frustration. I have realized he is trying to control me and the situation. We have been married for 27 years, I have only now figured out that this behavior is WRONG and I can not believe that I have put up with this for so many years.


 


He tells me I am the problem. If I have an opinion and it's not what he wants to hear, I am being disrespectful because I do not agree with him. Everything needs to go his way otherwise he sulks. What we need is counseling, a mediator but we can not afford this and he will definitely not pay for someone to tell him he has issues! He can be such a sweetheart when things go his way and he is happy, but these monthly silent treatments are wearing me thin! We past discussing our issues, he is stubborn and will not try and see my point of view.


I so badly want to scream at the top of my lungs why are you ruining our marriage but I can not and it won't solve anything either!! He tells me he wants peace and loves me very much, he says he could not live without me, then why would he behave this way. 


How do I get him to realize this is unacceptable behavior and he needs to stop!! I need him to take me seriously!! Any advice please would be so appreciated!!


 

GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
No, don't apologize to him. You did nothing wrong. And if you broke down and apologized, this will all happen again and again with him. He has some kind of issues, he is acting very childishly, controlling, and manipulative. He knows how to push your buttons and for some reason, he likes doing this to you.

He almost hit you??? And, he stayed silent to you for a week?

You said you can't leave him. Yes, of course you can leave. You can try other things first, such as counseling (for yourself at least, but hopefully for the two of you). And as far as financial reasons, if you filed for divorce, you will get spousal support money after being married for 27 years... so you would be okay financially.

But try individual counseling for yourself, to make yourself a stronger person. And if possible, see if he will go to marriage counseling. But if he won't go to counseling, then definitely you go to your own counseling. You're not going to counseling because you did anything wrong, because you didn't. But to make yourself stronger and more confident in this relationship, and in life in general.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
It sounds like gaslighting from what I'm reading.... xo

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting
urbangardener
urbangardener
I was afraid to divorce the ex husband after almost 30 years. It took me a few years of observing his behaviors and really listening to what came out of his mouth. I tried for many years before that to change him. Got zip, nada. So I realized I had to change me and how I thought and reacted and acted. I realized my soul was being strangled and I had to get out of the marriage for my own good. It has not been easy. My ex inflicted a lot of pain, did parental alienation stuff. But now that so much time has passed for me, I have realized thank you God for leading me out of that marriage. I would have had no retirement money of my own, in my state it is community property and I got had his retirement money which angered him greatly. Had I stayed married, he would have controlled all the money. Had I waited longer to divorce, my state law would not have given me half his retirement (if he had already started taking it or something like that). This is something to consider from getting good legal advice for your situation. The stress from the abuse from the ex has ended up in my body and now I am a young retiree with health issues who can't work. I have to do continuing education for my career that I can't work at and I did one on women and heart disease. This stress and swallowing our feelings is actually very bad for women's hearts. Women's heart disease patterns are different from mens, based on our levels of stress according to the research this presenter gave. Blew my mind away. Yes, this is me. It is not necessarily too late. I am not saying divorce or don't divorce but I am saying start to pay attention to your life and your own emotional needs. I always suggest people go to a divorce attorney for a consultation so they know what their rights and obligations will be should they divorce. Now is the time to love yourself first and foremost.
Rosewaterrain
Rosewaterrain
Thank you again, everyone! I am going to try and recommend couples counseling to him.
ready2live
ready2live
Everything he is doing is a control tactic even down to the crying. The silent treatment is a form of punishment. BOUNDARIES!!!! You have to set boundaries! All this time you have shown him it's ok to do these things. Every time you apologized, every time you gave in you showed him his actions were ok. He is definitely gaslighting you to control the situation. He flips the situations back on you so that you feel bad instead of him. If you can't afford therapy I would definitely start with some self help books especially any on setting boundaries.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • Sunshinegirl0228

    Zyprexa

    Posted by: Sunshinegirl0228
    Last Reply: SunCloudJD
    2
    Due to my increased paranoia, anxiety, and a panic attack over the weekend, my psychiatrist has put me back in a full dose of Zyprexa until further notice. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens and it's back to square one. I knew he was gonna do this but I can't help feeling disappointed. It is what it is. 
  • GTTMbutstillme

    Sunday Check In

    Posted by: GTTMbutstillme
    Last Reply: Sunshinegirl0228
    3
    Well, good morning to you!Today is National Roller Coaster Day.  Are any of you going?It's also National Tell-A-Joke Day!  Come up with some and share!I'm not bright with jokes these days, but I'll start:"Today I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...I'll let you know."   :D