Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hey there, guess it’s been awhile, but looking for some advice.
Things didn’t end well with my ex back in the fall, some of you saw and responded to my posts and I really appreciated the advice/support.
I *finally* started seeing someone new a little over a month ago. Wanted to really give myself time to heal and move on from things. This guy has been a good friend of mine since high school, we’re in our early 30’s now. We had been hanging out more and more and then things just finally happened, which people had been joking around with us for months was going to happen. Hey, I knew it, but like I said...wanted to be sure I was in a healthy place.
He ended up saying that he wanted to take things slow since both of our last relationships had rough endings (mine was a little over 2 years, his about 5). We haven’t exactly nailed down the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but he said he wasn’t seeing other people and wasn’t trying to. I’m not either. But we “date”...movie nights in, out for drinks, dinners out, a wedding, movie out. Typical dating behavior.
I’m not trying to overreact or instantly jump to the negative, but the whole “take it slow” thing has my guard up, considering we’ve already hooked up. In this day and age, I’m not sure if that means he genuinely wants that or if it’s another cop out in trying to avoid being locked down in a relationship.
Just want to be sure I’m not setting myself up for failure when it could hurt a decades long friendship. Using the whole “take it slow” line has taken on new meanings and bad stigma in this point in time is all. I’m totally fine with not defining the relationship after only seeing each other romantically for a month, just don’t want to find myself in a holding pattern 6 months from now.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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First, I hope everyone is doing well, and continuing to fight that good fight! Keep up the great work on yourselves; I'm rooting for all of you!So, I started doing therapy at the beginning of the year, when I was in my most depressed state, but with my therapist, I made big changes and steps in the right direction. But, over a month ago, she couldn't take my insurance anymore, and I had to stop...
1. If it's not defined and you're not saying "I love you" after 6 months, you can end things.
2. Until you have defined the relationship and gotten out of the "honeymoon" stage, don't hook up again, and if he asks, repeat his own words back to him "taking it slow"
I know how scary it is! I don't think "take it slow" is necessarily a red flag since it's only been a month. Use his own words to your advantage and I hope it works out for you.
when you are moving slowly you can assess the situation and keep yourself
grounded at the same time.
Personally you have it backwards- in this day and age people get married like
after a month - divorced after 6 months and in a new relationship after the divorce in 3 months or while the divorce isn't even final But Whoa I believe
I myself have jumped the gun- we are not talking about marriage,
Taking it slow........ very rare these days-- yes you should focus on that with
Positive overtones on it that is my take-and go inwards and heal any insecurities and past residue- get that out of your mental storage.Clean that out with self nurturing and healing.
Enjoy and don't let those thoughts stir up emotions because it can sabotage
what can be the start of a beautiful future. Hugs and Positive Energy Your Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It sounds like you have already put expectations and a time line on this relationship which will lead to over-analyzing every word and action to make sure things are progressing per your plans and expectations. This causes anxiety and resentments.
A better plan is to take one day at a time, enjoying each day with your new beau without expectations. Don't wonder where things are going. As long as you enjoy the moment, things have a very good probability following the same trajectory.
A sequoia grows long, strong and mighty BECAUSE it grows slowly.
Easy does it.
talk to your boyfriend about how each of you defines things
not your relationship or your plans for it / one
just get so you agree (or see where you don't) on the definitions for the words / terms you use
""We haven’t exactly nailed down the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but he said he wasn’t seeing other people and wasn’t trying to.""
me, if I was in a situation similar to yours, if I'm having sexual relations - I'm exclusive and I'd only have them with someone that was 100% exclusive with me
if I'm dating, then I'm dating and not exclusive --- I'm also not having sex but I don't expect someone else to not be as they are dating
Instant love is a bad thing most of the time. Instant love is false. Its like a drug, shoot me up and I am in that high high instant love. Real love takes time to grow. Real love takes time to know each other. Sex often complicates the relationship because the woman is often ready to give her total heart once they are having sex. The man usually isn't jumping into total heart so quickly, its just sex to him. Women often confuse sex with love. Steve Harvey wrote a good book about how men think for women to understand that right now, the relationship you two have to the man is likely "just dating with sex benefits" and the man expects to have to work for your commitment.