I should state that I'm not planning on running out and sleeping around. I'm going to tell him that what he does is his choice, but if he really wants to work on us (something he's been saying for months but not trying) that he had better think carefully about any actions he does. Because even though we are taking a break, how the break goes WILL affect how our relationship resumes or ends.

haha I thought I posted this in a different group :) guess I already posted in this one...sorry for the repeat! Got my groups mixed up.

Well it sounds like you have grown tired of playing a role you agreed to take on when your daughter was born. And since the two of you have never finished defining your relationship with marriage, the total sum of life experiences is beginning to weigh on you. You're seeing the rub that being a full time mother brings to the single aspirations you still have for making your own money and having a career for yourself. Unfortunately your dissatisfaction with this situation has been unfairly transposed to your partner. And as a result, you're harboring resentment at him, for decisions you made for yourself. I don't see this as any of his fault. You had the child. You decided to stay home and raise her and yet feel no connection with her. Sounds like someone who started a family who didn't want one. Your jealous of his accomplishment and sense of achievement and I think that is where your resentment resides. But you have to understand you chose this course. No one made you do it. So I guess what I wanting to say is if your wanting out, don't make him the villain for your insecurities. If you want to stay and he's making a good income to put her in daycare, then share with him what you want to do for yourself and start defining whether that goal includes him or not. I think your at a point where you need to be realistic with yourself and not make a rash move just because your feeling inadequate in your role. You can have a family, be a mom, be a wife, and still l have a professional career filled with rewards. Don't kid yourself and think being out there in this economy is an easy task or gives you some kind of "gritty" advantage. But you do have to be honest with yourself and decide for the sake of your partner and your daughter which life you want to live. Just know you can be a professional in either role.

I seriously think you just read and morph it into what you want to.

I make money because he doesn't make enough. I stay home because TOGETHER we decided it would be better for our daughter....whom I love more then life itself. And the fact that you would insinuate that I don't feel a connection with her is unbelievable. If i was to leave she would come with me. And it wasn't just me who decided to have a child, it was us together. I seriously can't believe someone would say something horrible like that based on a post.

Marriage is not the solve all. In fact, in alot of relationships, it's the final knot that makes people miserable. There is no reason to get married to make your relationship defined. That's archaic thinking at it's finest.

If I went back into the work force I would make LESS then I make now. Because child care is bloody expensive and most of my wages would go to that. I didn't just up and decide 'hey, today I'm gonna pop out a baby, give up all my hopes and dreams, then shit all over my partner, and then say I'm unhappy.' Our daughter was pretty much planned....I haven't given up my hopes and dreams, just redefined them, and I never agreed to be the maid, cook, only parent, verbal punching bag and concubine.

I feel sorry for anyone who have or do rope into a relationship. They had better be thrilled with whatever you deem appropriate to dish out to them or else they will get you trying to knock them down a peg.

My job is dependant on my location. I can't leave or I will become unemployed. So I would have to convince him to leave, and he is more stubborn then the average woman!!

He doesn't spend alot of time at home anyways...so I may only see him for an hour, maybe two a day as it is. I imagine once he understands I'm serious it will be less then that.

If things aren't working for you as they are- why not sit down with your partner and come up with a new plan? I don't believe in taking breaks- you are either a couple raising your child together and working things out as they come up- or you aren't. Would you consider taking a break from your child? I am raising my two boys on my own- believe me there are days I want to run away- I NEED a break lol, but can you imagine if as a parent I said "this isn't working for me, I'm taking a break to figure out what I want" of course we don't do that! Taking breaks from your relationship says you are not committed to it, to making it work- when the going gets tough- you get going- or your partner does. While you are trying to figure out what you want, your partner may be looking for something/someone else- or may just find it by accident. Breaks take away the stability the security of a relationship and the commitment. If you take a break and get back together then what? How long until one or the other of you decides you need another break? and how long will the next break be and for what reason? What will the breaks do you the security of your child and what does it teach your child? These are the things you need to think about. Can you imagine the upset to your child? Hmm Mommy and Daddy are on a break from each other- are they going to want a break from me? Mommy sleeps in another room now, oh now she's back, oh gone again. What are all these things teaching your child? Not how to have a healthy relationship. Kids are sensitive- they know something is up.

We have sat down together to 'talk' it out numerous times. He does not listen. There hasn't been much stability or security in our relationship in a long while.

My daughter came FROM me, I carried her, I nurture her, she is part of me that will never be removed. A spouse isn't. It's not pain free to remove one, but it's doable.

If either of us ever feels the need for another break it will be the end. More then one break says that there is no way it's going to be successful.

My daughter is three, we told her Mommy needs her own room for awhile....which is nothing new in our home since I'm a restless sleeper and I often spend nights on the couch or in the spare room so that my SO can get steady sleep. She is used to seeing us sleep apart.

Staying in a relationship as it is without trying everything possible to fix it will teach her to settle for less. To find a man who treats you like your a substandard human. Find a man who doesn't cook, clean or pick up after himself....ever. Find a man you aren't happy with and keep plugging away at it...because if you take a step back to reasses then you arn't 'stable'.

Believe me....if there were other options then I would of pursued them already.

Jo, there is no reason for you to have to defend yourself. Some of these sound like attacks and not sound, honest advice. And YES, breaks DO work. I'm living proof. My marriage, although not perfect, is certainly better than it was!! (We were separated for 6 months.) You need to do what is right for YOU. All to often, mothers put themselves on the back burner, push our needs & wants aside to make our families more comfortable. We have to stop doing this. I've finally realized that it is NOT selfish and it does NOT make me a bad person to want happiness, whether that be single, separated or married. Marriage (common law or other wise), is supposed to be a HAPPY UNION. Not one filled with tears, anger, resentments and regrets. I also don't believe in staying together for children. That does more harm than good.

Anyways, that's my two cents. I may only be 30, but surprisingly been through a lot. (My mum says I have the life experiences of somebody twice my age!) :-)

Jolene your the one with the unhappy life and bruised ego. And if you feel knocked down a notch, then you did that to yourself. Your the one with the planned parenthood that is making you feel confined. And your the one saying marriage doesn't work for you. But shacking up isn't paying homage to your sense of relevance either is it? And if you believe your function at home has transformed you into a "maid", then scrap your home daycare program and find something that will make you feel worthy of your sense of self.

You may say you didn't just "wake up one day" and decide to place yourself at this point in your life. But you ARE acting like someone who is certainly having second thoughts about it. And if your lifestyle demands that you have to work in addition to your husband, don't blame him for that. You live according to your means. I've been with my wife 23 years, married 17 of those and have raised four kids, one of which we adopted and one that is a level 4 asthmatic. More medical bills than you could ever fathom. And guess what? We're both full time professionals who provide a good home and our kids are about grown and moving into college life, the military, and other professions. Plus we're happy!

So you can blow me your sob story about being burned out and needing a break all you want. I can trump your "responsibilities" ten fold and not even break a sweat. It just sounds to me like your having a low moment and trying to make more out of it than what it is. There's not any of us that carry a load in life that haven't woke up and felt the weight of responsibility and thought, "How much more can I take?" That's human. And that's a part of life. That's why from time to time you need to step back, take a deep breath, and remind yourself why you're here. It's not a reason to quit. Just a moment to get yourself centered again.

Contentment comes from the choices we make in life and how honest we are with ourselves when we make them. It doesn't mean we don't get burned out or frustrated. But sometimes our attitudes need to be adjusted from the nonstop demands our choices have placed upon us. I understand your frustration. But I also see your displacement of blame through your attitudes. Let me ask you something... If you lived in a two bedroom apartment and were washing the clothes of both you and your daughter, would you sit her down and tell her your tired of being her maid? Probably not. That's just your angst coming out at your partner because your not satisfied with his lack of affection. And it sounds like it's been left to fester for a while too. So your idea of resolving the problem is to move into a guest room? Really? What message does that convey to your partner? What does that teach your daughter? Mom runs to her room when she has a problem? And how will your daughter ever learn to find a good partner for herself if mom considers marriage a sham and men little more than screw buddies?

I'm not advocating marriage for you personally though. It works for my wife and I because we went into it for the right reasons with the same convictions. Your statistics have no role in our life. But if your unhappy in your philosophy, and refuse to commit to something, then don't waste this guy's life and that of your daughters by playing spoiled child and running into a different room. If your all you claim to be and have conviction to live differently than your circumstances, then do it. That's life. If you want to get ahead, dump this guy, sell the house and split the proceeds and go get the life you think you and your daughter deserve. But taking a "break" is not the answer. That is just another way of saying you quit while someone else manages the house.

ohhhh livetown, I am so biting my tongue on this. You make it seem so easy, being a woman, having the brunt of responsibility of fertility, and child-rearing dumped on us whether we want it or not... FWIW, I was stay at home mom for 8 yrs, before I got divorce, I heard a lot of the same whining from my exh, about fiscal responsibility, and pestering about what the hell did I do all day. Because being a mom is soooo easy...And yeah, going back to work makes perfect sense, when daycare is practically for free right? FWIW, I have a BS degree in engineering, dumping the kids on grandparent for free was not an option, and good daycare would have cost more than if I had stayed at home with two kids fulltime. We have three little kids now. I am divorced, and have done the work fulltime, while raising three little kids. At least at work, I got paid and appreciated, while sitting on my ass all day. Staying at home, I ran my ass off all day, chasing kids, while my exh would come home and tell me how easy I have it, while he slaved away all day at work, and deserved to come home and have private time all to himself afterwards (surfing the interenet-porn).

ok, guess I didn't bite my tongue afterall. Probably not even making sense either. Oh well, feeling hormonal, us women go through these things. And being pre-menopausal, well, that makes it extra fun (huge, wide mood swings, hot flashes). But at least I don't have a penis that pretty much guides my every thought (feels good-yay, not feel good-stay away boring). Sarcasm. I know not all men are that way. But seriously after observing my ex and his new wife, I wonder. She is a complete bitch to him, and he jumps through hoops to make her happy (because she is beautiful).

So where am I going with this? Hmm. Original poster, I think I kinda get where you are coming from. Been there, done that. Unfortunately I got divorced over it. Got sick of feeling like I don't contribute anything meaningful (I think you might be feeling that way), because I don't bring home the paycheck. Do what is best for you and your kid. He is not around most of the time anyway, let it go in one ear and out the other, if he is complaining and bringing you down. I have been divorced for 2 yrs, and it has been soooo hard being away from the kids. I used to be with them 24/7, and now, we have joint custody, see them half the time, and it is sooooo hard. My exh, dumps them off on anybody when he gets tired of being around them, doesn't enjoy spending time with them (he only has joint custody because he doesn't want to pay child support), where as I miss them all the time. And my ex has done some extremely stupid crap since we broke up. When you don't live with them, don't supervise them, you have no control what they do in their free time. Keep that in mind. I know you aren't married, but it would be a similar thing if you broke up. My exh has changed into a completely different person since the divorce, and not for the better. Best wishes to you...

oh, ok kinda back to my senses, but wanted to say, I think lianna had a really good analogy, that you, as a mom, can perhaps relate too (I know I could). When you get sick of your kids, tending to them, do you take a break? No. Of course not. So why should it be different with your significant other? Long term, enduring relationships are hard work. I was with my ex for 16 yrs, married for 11, before we got divorced. It is not practical to decide, hm, I think I will take a break. I know I would not be happy if my significant other announced the same. I hope that makes sense.

I suspect you are tired and exhausted, I have been there too. It is soooo much hard work, being a mom. It really is, unless maybe you have an especially good natured easy child (I don't, I have- three kids, and two of those are special needs-one borderline autism, the other started physical and occupational therapy as a baby-all three of my kids had speech therapy). So yeah...

But back to Lianna's post, I think she was spot on. Sit down and talk to your significant other about your concerns. Don't take a break from your relationship, anymore than you would take a break from your child. I think having more space, more downtime, perhaps isn't unreasonable? I really think, strongly suspect, you need a breather (time to yourself). I know I did, but was too embarrassed to ask for help until too late. My ex, on the other hand, is not embarrassed to ask at all. He hardly sees the kids. Even thought we have 50/50 custody. When he has them, they are usually at daycare, grandmas, or with his new wife. I talk to his new wife more than I talk to him. I don't want too. But he really has distanced himself that much (from the kids) it is rediculous. My kids will always come first for me. My ex, himself, will always come first. He just doesn't like to be around them that much.

good luck again! Best wishes.

MTZ3 I didn't say what she had was EASY. And I never said being a full time mom was a skip in the park. Quite the contrary. Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs one can take on. It's much worse when they have illnesses that put them in the hospital too like one of mine had. My point is these are the choices she made in life and now she's having second thoughts because she's no longer content. Anything you do in life has consequences. She chose to be a mom. From what she said it was planned out, so if the guy is not holding up his end and she wants something better for herself, then she has resources through the equity in the house to get out of there.

Trashing men, the institution of marriage, and basically saying she handles it by pouting in another room does not fix anything. I'm sorry. You have a problem you face it head on. Walking around harboring ill will and acting like she's "stuck" there because she refuses to lower her living standards is not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone she can roll under the bus this easy. Shes here trashing him when she needs to be in front of him asking the tough questions. "Be a part of this life we built or I'm moving on." If she does all the work and he's just hanging around she doesn't need that. Changing her mind is not a crime. Staying there when she feels the ways she does, IS. For her and her daughter.

Sigh....livetowin, if you would JUST stop trying to be a martyr for the men you would see what I was REALLY saying!

I never once claimed to be faultless. Not. Once.

And refuse to lower my standard of living? If I go back to work and we have to pay for childcare we will have to sell our house. It's not just me being affected, it's not like I'm refusing to give up sitting on my tucus all day and eating bon bons. There are much bigger things at stake if I go back to work. What I bring in will be half of what I bring in now, that's half the mortgage, or a car payment, or utilities.

As for a previous post about how you have been through SO much more then me in life....your considerably older. Of course you have. You don't know my lifes story, so you can't judge what I have been through in my 26 years on this earth, so I would appreciate it if you didn't make assumptions. And medical bills? If I lived in the States my medical bills would rival yours...but we live in Canada, and we are lucky enough to have free healthcare. We would of had to pay for a kidney transplant, the birth of a child, many stays related to kidney scares, I have a heart condition that requires regular maintenance. But because we live in a great place none of it costs us a dime. And I'm VERY thankful for that, I couldn't imagine thinking about cost everytime someone fell and possibly broke a bone, or everytime my other half had pains in his kidney.

MTZ3, I thank you for your support. I am tired. And changing it up isn't as easy as livetowin thinks. Once our daughter is in school we agreed I could go find a job outside the home again since we would be paying for school regardless....so I have two more years to stay in the home. Like I mentioned before as well, my child and my spouse rank differentley in order of importance. It sounds harsh, but it's true. And I know it's true for him too. Our daughter is first. It's different to take a step back from someone who came into your life suddenly, and that isn't 'part' of you in the sense of the word a child is.

And honestly, I do take breaks from my daughter! There are coffee dates, girls nights, and days where he takes her out and they do whatever it is they do on thier days together. They are just smaller breaks then I want from my other half.

And I am by no means pouting. He knows what I am doing. Because I told him. After one of our hundreds of talks. I'm not refusing to speak to him, I'm not sitting around moping. I'm just not sleeping beside him and we curbed the physical aspect of our relationship. Maybe if we step back to what it was like in the start, where we went home to our own beds, where we were hesitant for that first kiss, where we TALKED more then anything...then maybe we can get back that spark.

As for marriage, for me the only reason to get married is religion. That's my opinion, and I know that's not everyone elses and that's fine by me, but I'm an athiest. So for me being an athiest and marriage being a religious institution........... I would get married one day, with a JP but only when I'm 100% certain. I'm not going to get married when I have doubts. Healthy, reasonable doubts.

Basically, what all this crud is saying, is that livetowin, you seem to be a crusader for the male kind. And just so you know, he can be a good guy, hes a fantastic father, and occaionally he's so sweet and gentle he makes me cry in a good way. He's not all monster, but all the good things were not relevant to the original post. All I wanted to know was if taking a sort of break was at all something that had worked for others. I didn't really want to hear what a horrible person you think I am. I thankyou for your input, andy input is technically good stuff since I can glean some positive from it all,

This conversation got you thinking from all perspectives, so it was a worthwhile exercise. BTW, if you spend ten minutes reading any of my posts, you would already know I advise most women to leave any situation where the male is manipulative, dishonest, and/or abusive in any manner. I also hold a person's feet to the fire if they refuse to see the facts of their situation. Because i take what is handed me and turn it back around and show them what they just said. Unfortunately people spend too much time glossing over what they choose to see and never realize just how much is in front of them. And so sometimes encouraging an emotional reaction is an effective method for getting people to not only see things as they are, but see themselves in that situation as well. Why? Because the social filter drops. The obligatory BS machine turns off and suddenly your ready to show us what you've got. Because your defense mechanism has kicked in. That's where we see the passion. That is where we see the investment. And everything said hit a note in you.

You were challenged to defend your circumstances and so your attitudes rose to the surface. What did we find out? Well, you carry a heavy resentment towards men. He is the dad, but you diluted his importance because he didn't carry the baby. You villainized him by stereotyping yourself as the overworked maid who never has time for herself or gets the proper attention from him. You stereotyped me because I challenged you to explain your ambiguity. I asked you to be accountable. And for that, you attacked me as having some "agenda" based on my gender. So only women bleed? Where's Alice Cooper when we need him? That's a hard wired attitude you may want to revisit after you leave here. No doubt that is playing a major role in your relationship and why you have communication issues. Your taking personal attitudes and allowing them to guide how you see your role and the roles of others in your life.

But if you noticed, when push came to shove, you actually ran to your partner's defense. When you suddenly viewed me as the new "bad man", he became lesser so. He's now only a "part-time" monster. Hmmm. Getting better. So if he's not as bad as originally depicted, then maybe your not a full time maid either? And if that's true,then maybe you don't need to take a break from a life that now your defending as not being that bad? Now might be a good time to start evaluating whether all of these shored up feelings of resentment truly carry all the merit (and origins) that you gave them in the beginning.

And I would avoid applying labels to define parameters. A label is a stereotype. And a stereotype is a blanket measure used to judge others without recognizing them as individuals. In short it's a bias. And you try to find definition in yourself by diluting the life of others. Marriage and religion are not ideals you embrace. But your reactions show a much stronger bias to those than just by choice. You might have something in your past that is coloring your perspective here since you transpose it as a character flaw on others. Something to think about. So what then do we have here?

You love your daughter. You seem to be warming more to your partner too. A break doesn't appear to be what this situation needs. Perhaps an exploration into why you carry such heavy bias would be a move worth exploring? Because if you can generate this much material from a simple exchange of words, then you have plenty there to examine within yourself. I wish you the best.