Right to the source of your pain, your brother. That is where you need to start, was it how he died, or that fact that you miss him so much that you can't move forward. Only my opinion here koolman, just friendly advice.

I'm not going to respond to Andiekins anymore because she sounds pretty goddamn hostile. Good luck on your marriage.

darling: The source of my pain--my brother: Yes, how he died was bloody-awful, and I felt like I drove yet another nail in his coffin by trying to arouse his anger toward others who had wronged him, when all he did was turn his anger in on himself "I'm so stupid." I feel the pangs of guilt about that, and now there's nothing I can do about it, except apologize profusely to the air.

Yes, I miss him very much that, no matter who new I meet, I wonder if somehow I'm betraying his memory by not trying to find someone like him to hang with, as though I'm trying to forget him-!

It's like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, going through the same day in your life over and over until you get it right. I'm not sure how to get this right.

I agree wholeheartedly with Darling. It's time to truly acknowledge his passing and move on. Until you face the lingering problems you have with your bro's death, this will continue to be a factor. Are you afraid that letting go of him means you'll "forget" about him. From the sound of your relationship with him, I seriously doubt that could happen.

Don't know your spiritual nature, but *I* believe you can still talk to him, in a way, let him know he's much loved & missed, but that you have to move on. You'll never know just "where" his soul ends up, but you can be assured that he's where he should be... moving on. He *may* be guiding you, but physical characteristics may not play the bigger role here. That could very well be *your* lasting impression of him influencing your choices, but it wasn't by any means his sum total as a person. See what I mean?

As for the bar girl. I say forget it. You could keep the amicable relationship when you visit her workplace, but I wouldn't hope for anything more. She's in a relationship and you think there could be something more. Better to stay clear of her till she's free again.

I guess what I'm saying is every time I get close to someone I could conceivably fall in love with, I don't want to "hurt" them somehow, so I withdraw.

But, with respect to this bartender, she's already involved with someone else...even though, when I first went to that bar (because I was sick of thinking about my brother, bored off my ass, and wanted to meet and have fun with some new people) she came onto ME initially (when I was NOT looking for a girlfriend) and, when I asked her "So...what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" she begrudgingly replied "spending it with my boyfriend". What gives with this chick? She's looking for a way out because she's bored or what-?

You guys are right; her motives sound less than honorable, and, lonely as I am and cute as she is, I should avoid her like the plague.

"I'm not going to respond to Andiekins anymore because she sounds pretty goddamn hostile."

Okay...gotta ask...what did I say that was so "goddamn hostile"???

I'd just like to add, however, that this barmaid's physical characteristic are not only what remind me of my brother. It's her sweet, giving nature and her sense of humor that trigger the old memories of fun, happier times, which I'm trying to create again. (sigh)

Yeah, I might drop in on her as a friend and paying customer, just to have a few laughs. What do you think she'd say if I jokingly said "Ya know why I like you, Stephanie? It's because you remind me of my brother." She might be touched, she might be mortified...who knows...she might even say "Ya know why I like you, Mike? Because you remind me of my father." I wouldn't be surprised.

Again, her father, too, passed away of cancer.

You should cut her bf some slack. Perhaps he's workign while she is too. Perhaps he's got a job he needs to get up early for. Or perhaps he has other things in his life that dont just revolve around her 24/7.

That was my thinking exactly, Kristy. Not to mention it wouldn't look good if the B/F came in, had a few, and took exception to the way someone acted towards "his" woman, yanno? Bad for business. And she *could* get fired if such things happened too often.