Koolman...although I don't know you, but could it be those feelings you are having are wanting someone you can't have. If she was not taken, would you in fact feel the same. Unless she becomes available you will never let your feelings go.

Just my input

Agrred... when it's someone that's spoken for, they can often appear that much more desirable. You *could* just be seeing her as an uplifting presence in your day as opposed to the love of your dreams, yanno? Perception as opposed to reality. Gotta wonder...how well do you know this woman?

I would feel differently, but I think we'd still have warm feelings for each other. Good friends perhaps-? But the desire to POSSESS her would probably lessen.

How well do I know her? I can only know that by sinking into the black abyss and listening to her talk. Right now, probably not well at all. Points taken.

But the desire to POSSESS her would probably lessen

Dude she is not property!!! lol Ok, I'm making a cheeky joke

koolman, you may do yourself a favor if you don't put too much thought into her. (in a romantic way) Then it won't be so "torturous", for you.
Your not alone, I've heard many people think someone they work with, is wonderful.

It is always greener on the other side of the mountain. I would move on and not let anything grow from this or you will be hurting another couple. She should no better if she cares for her man or at least be honest and not be with him.

You could be over glamorizing this chick, ya know? Like, perhaps what you're imagining isn't even her it's just an idealized version of her, perfectly suited to your needs and desires. She may not even be like that at all. Maybe you're just so smitten because you know she's unattainable, which everyone wants at some point in their life. I dont know. I dont know you or her so maybe I'm dead wrong. Just trying to look at it from another perspective to maybe be able to help you feel better.

Believe me, folks, I'm not glamourizing this chick...I know her somewhat and am well-aware of her faults...she has ADD and can't seem to stand still for more than 20 seconds, which is why she's perfect for that job (bartending). She's with one guy but she also clearly adores the attention of me (and others) as well...AH HAH! An attention-hog. Well...where the hell's her boyfriend? I know you can't possess anybody, but she's clearly lonely at work and he should be there to help cheer her up.

She wants her cake and eat it too! OK, now I'm starting to hate her (again)...no, seriously, I can't hate the chick because she's so damn sweet toward me and is very attentive in her service (makes the sweetest Rum-runners LOL), but, ah, yes...I think I'll be staying away from there, because, much as she and I have a nice, warm and potentially primordially dark, sexy thing going on, the fact is, she'd be cheating on her BF if she and I hooked up, which means she'd cheat on me with someone else too (and, for all I know, she fucks several other guys too), and I don't think I could handle that, so...uh, yeah, I don't think I'll be going back there. The bar scene ain't really my thing anyway...too loud to hold a quality conversation with anybody and I don't like sitting around getting drunk all day...takes me to a very dark place. Trying true.com (again LOL).

Ummm...Koolman?

When I asked how well you know her, you said: "probably not well at all." But now you're saying you're "well aware of her faults." Sorry, but if you don't know her very well, you are NOT well aware of her faults. That's just not possible.

Since she works as a bartender, it's her job to be friendly & outgoing towards the customers... being sweet & attentive makes her money! But her public persona may not completely reflect her inner personality.


Some women (and men!) simply cannot get enough attention..whether or not they're in a relationship. This isn't a good thing... it can be a sign that this person is very needy or lacks crucial self-esteem. They constantly need the approval or "adoration" of others in order to feel good about themselves. Once those approving voices quiet, she could be a completely different person.. one you may not care for!

As for her B/F... he could have any number of valid reasons for not being at her place of employment. She's not there to be entertained or "cheered up" by him.

If I may be candid, I think you *are* glamorizing her a bit too much... seeing a possible connection where there is none. This back and forth ambivalence does not bode well. And if you're sitting in a bar, an enviroment that admittedly brings you down to where you don't want to be, you should really consider going elsewhere to find a quality woman who can share your views & feelings.

Andiekins: I appreciate your candor. What I meant was, in this bar, I'm seeing a certain side of her. Since I've never been with her anywhere else, so, yeah, I have no idea how she is outside that environment. You brought up a really interesting point about her own possibly-fragile self-esteem, why she needs constant admiration and attention while working (or wherever she is). On a one-day-a-week basis, this seems really sweet and charming. 24/7, it could get annoying. Points well, well-taken.

It doesn't matter where we meet someone, at a bar, wherever...human beings have their quirks. But, true, in that environment, where the music is loud and the conversations are typically superficial BS, one is not really going to know anyone. And the booze takes me down, down, down...

If I may inquire, how is YOUR love life? I happened to read your profile and you were hit on by what you call a "loser troll". I'm not fishing for a date here (you sound a bit hostile), but just curious as to what you consider a healthy relationship (and no relationship is perfect) to be.

The deeper issue for me is the reason I enjoy hanging around this girl is she reminds me of my brother who died and who I still love and miss very much.

I realize she is NOT my brother, but she reminds me a lot of him; the same sweetness, the same sense of humor. I'm curious to know what you guys think of this. Is she even worth hanging around with as a friend, or is this just re-opening a painful wound?

The fact is, ANYONE I fall in love with is going to remind me of the love I felt for my lost brother, so this feeling isn't going away. I could see a shrink, but I think the issue is spiritual. I've been to church, and it helps somewhat, but the fact of the matter is, I don't know where the hell my brother's soul is--I simply don't feel his presence anymore, except that maybe he's guiding me toward another like him...

This girl even has my brother's physical features...she's shorter than he was, but she's blonde and beautiful, with the most piercing light-blue eyes like he had...

Sounds to me koolman, you need to deal with the death of your brother first before you can truly move forward in your life. b/c it sounds like lots of ladies remind you of your brother and that in itself is not health.

True. And how would you suggest "moving forward"? I make other friends (who DON'T) remind me of him), but that doesn't fill the gap.

"If I may inquire, how is YOUR love life? I happened to read your profile and you were hit on by what you call a "loser troll". I'm not fishing for a date here (you sound a bit hostile), but just curious as to what you consider a healthy relationship (and no relationship is perfect) to be."


I don't understand why *my* love life is now in question, but if it helps you somehow, so be it...

My relationship with my husband is stable although stressed because he holds two jobs since I can no longer work due to health problems. It's taken it's toll on both of us. But we've always had a good way of talking things out and expressing our feelings about things that concern us. As long as it's said in kindness and with respect, we both know we can say damn near anything to the other. We've had our fair share of troubles, but we're holding steady. :)

Yes, I did have a run in with an idiot who thinks he's some kind of player recently. Had he bothered to read my profile he would have seen that I'm married and therefore out of bounds. I happen to think the fact that a person's married, or in a commited relationship, should be respected. I thought it highly tacky & improper for him to do what he did. This is why I was so hostile to him. I don't "hate" him or anyone else, but I will not suffer fools gladly.

My idea of a healthy relationship would be one based on equal parts of love, affection, communication and respect. I agree, there's no "perfect" relationship; there will always be quirks to work around, screw ups to fix, problems to solve. But if you can do this together, you're bound to get it worked out.
In the healthy relationship, you work together using your shared strengths & weaknesses to compliment, not combat, each others growth... whether that's mental, emotional, spiritual, etc. A healthy relationship takes dedication, teamwork & the ability to compromise.