Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have been with my SO for twelve years. Almost thirteen. We own a home together, have a child together, have lives very entwined. We even started talking about wedding planning after being engaged for 9 years, and he instigated that. I love him. I do. But I'm really starting to suspect that he does not love me. And that hurts to even type.
There is zero affection unless I instigate, or just me giving him affection. He will not kiss me much anymore. I will ask and he will walk away. The only time he wants to kiss me is when we are having sex. That's another thing. The only time he wants to touch me at all is if there is sex in the books. As soon as I say no or make it known I'm not up for it he pulls away. He has gone so far as to turn his back to me and give me the silent treatment in bed. He won't hold hands in public, he often walks ahead or behind me in public in fact.
He expects sex a lot. Every day more or less. But he does nothing to make me feel like more than a means an end. He does not compliment me. Ever. He does say thanks for anything. He does nothing around the house to make my day eaiser to make it so I have energy for sex. Basically I feel like hired help around the home and then like a cheap trick in the sack. When we do have sex he is attentive to me. He tries to make sure it's as enjoyable for me as it is him. But it's really hard to feel sexy, to feel desirable, when all you did all day is work and then clean up after your family while he tells me how I didn't do the laundry right, supper was gross, I nees to mop the floor.
I run a dayhome. I care for several children all day. It is in my home. But he expects me to be this great provider....do crafts, go on outings, keep the kids 100% entertained at all times. Keep them in eyesight at all times. But on top of this I need to make sure I do the laundry, the dishes, sweep, mop, mow the lawn/shovel the snow, dust, cook etc etc. When he comes home from work I am in the final stretch of my day. Often I have the kids clean up and then we watch 15 minutes of cartoons while pick ups occur. I generally sit on the couch and cruise facebook on my phone while the kids sit around me and watch TV. Because of that he constantly tells people I do nothing around the house. There is zero reason he should come home from his 8 hour day and do anything around the house. But during and after my 10 hour day I should. So he criticizes what I do even while he is not here.
he never says I love you anymore either. I thought maybe after this long it's all in the actions. But it's not there either. And I'm really struggling. Ive worked from home for 7 years. I have no skills. I would have no money. I don't do much in life worth anything. We have a lot of shared debt and to take on half of that would cripple me. Plus it would kill our daughter. But when I try to talk to him he turns it around on me. That I never do what he asks. That I'm lazy. That I don't do this, this, this and this right. That I'm always bitchy. That we don't have sex enough. That I don't make him feel great either (we had a long talk about that exact thing a few years ago and since then I have made it routine to ask how his day went, compliment him at least three times, and to try to do one thing kind for him EVERY SINGLE DAY). It turns in to all my failures and how any faults he has stem from mine.
This was a lot of rambling. I needed to get that off my chest. I feel like crying but it just won't happen. So DS was my next logical step.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Also, this is just coming from my personal experience, but have you found any signs of pornography use? Some of these behaviors looks like a sex/porn addiction to me. Again, I'm no expert, just throwing out some things for you to consider if you haven't already.
The situation you describe is emotional abuse--the constant criticisms, name-calling (lazy, bitchy), lack of affection and conditional intimacy). Patricia Evans, author of the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship says, "...abuse is unjust, disabling, and destructive." She also offers suggestions on how to handle such abuse.
Is couples therapy a possibility? What about therapy for yourself?
Is there a woman's center you could call and talk to someone about what your options really are? You need some kind of plan and more information on finances. You don't need to make any huge changes immediately, but you do need to take care of yourself. You also need to be aware that you are teaching your daughter how women can be expected to be treated.
You deserve more than constant put-downs and conditional intimacy.
SuzA
Also there are social services that can help with food/money, etc. They could even point you in the right direction of finding a job by helping with your resume, going back to school, etc. Don't give up!
He never used to be like this. It's gotten like this in the past year or so.
We have been engaged so long due to circumstances beyond the usual. He had a kidney transplant, then we had a very serious rejection scare. CPS granted us custody of my neice as my sister is a meth addict. Then CPS granted us custody of ANOTHER child who was the child of one of her drug addicted friends. This is the first time in almost twelve years where we are not raising extra children or going to the hospital daily. We finally have just our little family to worry about and his kidney is doing well. However now what looms on the horizon is different. Due to the economy he gets less hours, so he makes less money. I currently bring in more money but I work ten hour days to do it. As well he was accepted back to school for plumbing....a great investment in the long run...but financially stressful right now.
I understand how you feel as I am still under the same roof, being taken advantage of and treated badly most of the time. i have no children, but like you, I am afraid of struggling financially.
In a healthy, loving relationship (I pray we both do come across one of these someday) you would find someone who would not only support you, but work together for the good of your family. You deserve so much better (and you should not be made to feel guilty because of his past struggle with his illness. You were there to help and stand by him....where the hell is he for you???)
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I think we tell people in different ways how to treat us.... You deserve to be treated with dignity, kindness and respect
Good day care is really, really important.... What's more important than a persons children.... Don't put yourself down Jolene..... Big hug.....xo
I used to think porn was no big deal for years. I believe my ex-husband became very addicted to it. He became very emotionally abusive in a very short period of time. Around that time, his porn use was increasing. He kept getting viruses on the computers that would hijack our internet browser (then he'd make me fix it, never took responsibility for the fact his porn use was causing it). This would cause me a lot of distress since I used one computer to work from home at my full time job, and the other to maintain records for his business. I found it on his phone, and he blamed other people for putting it there! So this is where I'm coming from...the emotionally abusive behavior and wanting sex all the time but no love, might mean his use has increased lately.
If it is your home in your name, now would be a good time to ask him to leave. He is being emotionally abusive. I would also check if common-law marriages are recognized in your state.
But then again, why do you want to married to a man like him if what you describe is accurate? And if you don't want to be married to him, why are you wasting your time with him?
If you think it will be difficult now, do you think it will be much easier when you are 5, 10, 15 years older? It would be terrible and heartbreaking if you woke up at age 45 or 50 and wonder why you wasted your life.
While I am starting to doubt he loves me, I don't want to just quit. Why toss away eleven good years for one that's been bad? I want to try to fix it. Marriage counselling isn't an option because we cannot afford it.
My name is not on the title of the house at all. We did buy it together but his parents gave us some of our down payment and the condition was I not be on the mortgage. It doesn't really matter....as common law marriage exists in my province. So if I was to leave the house would be sold and if we miraculously have equity it would be divided. We are only 8 years in so it's not like we have paid much more than interest at this point!
Im not sure how he feels about me making more than him. When we first met he was dealing with transplant things and I made way more than he did. Then I refused to move in with him until he held a steady job for six months. When we moved in together we made equal. And then slowly he made more. He used to make double what I did. But our economy tanked. I work fifty to sixty hours a week and he works two jobs. On top of that our daughter dances and swims and he takes her to all activities because one of his jobs has flexible hours and mine not so much.
I love a lot about him. I love that he has always done whats needed to make sure our family was taken care of. I love that he willingly took in my family members because he treats my family as his family. I love the way he smiles. The way I feel when he puts his hand on my back. I love that he is an amazing father. That he puts everything in to his passions. I love that he can make me laugh....not much lately....but he still has the ability. There are other things too.
This was sort of all over. I was trying to answer all the posts but apparently had no rhyme or reason. Sorry.
However, abusive behavior doesn't fix itself. I don't think couples counseling fixes it, either. I am glad you are at least recognizing that something is not right, posting your thoughts, and hopefully reading the physical and emotional abuse board on here. I would also stop having sex with him, since you feel there is no love. Don't do that to yourself.