Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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courtneyvictoria 12/30/2016

My boyfriend and I have been going through a really rough patch where he thinks he wants to be single and wants to do his own thing. He wants to be able to do whatever you want without checking in. I've been nothing but good to him and I know he's not cheating on me I've already researched that. Anyways, he wants space and I told him I'll respect that space but I am having such a hard time. It comes in waves where I do really well and then other I Get weak and I text him and we're back at square one .. I don't really know what space is.. oh and it's only been two or three days. I had a weak night last night.. so I'm back at square one.

am I not allowed to text him?? how long should I give him space for before I try to contact him?? I am new to this and I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions. I don't want to lose him.. I love him and want to be with him...

before this rough patch we were amazing. He made all these little promises and I know this sounds cliché but he got me a promise necklace. And a month ago he wanted to propose to me. And three days ago he said that he can see himself marrying me and how he loves me and how I am his best friend..but he needs space.

I feel like he's punishing me. I feel neglected and abandoned and I feel like the space is just another way to get away from someone for good but then I read articles and they said that it will bring you back together stronger. I'm a confused emotional heart broken girl.

I feel like I'm being punished because I wasn't the nicest to him when we went to Mexico together but that was over a month ago. And I apologized.

I am Not looking for advice how to move on or let it go.. that's such an easy answer.

I'm looking for advice how to get through this whole space thing, how long people typically give each other, and how to get my boyfriend back to normal.

I went as far as deleting his phone number in my phone. We don't have Facebook and he doesn't have Instagram so that's good.

rmb 12/30/2016

I would do one of the following:

1) Ask him to define space, and what he sees that looking like, and then, figure out if it's something you can live with, or

2) Stop all contact, accept that he wants to be apart right now, and live your life. Fill your life with friends, family, hobbies, etc. If he comes around, he comes around. If he doesn't, then you know, this is not the man for you.

I think the fact that you specifically point out you're not looking for advice on moving on or letting go tells me that you know you're in a crappy situation. Moving on or letting go are actually not easy answers. Sometimes, they're just the only sane answers. Staying with someone who so clearly seems to want to not have a girlfriend at the moment is neither noble nor brave.

You can't get your boyfriend back to normal. You can't get him or make him do anything. People kind of do what they want to do, and you can only really control yourself, your decisions, and how you react. I would stop thinking about how you can make him choose you, and instead, accept he's not into the relationship right now, and decide if it makes sense for you to stick with it despite all that.

koolman 12/30/2016

As far as handling the hurt of your loneliness and all the other emotions, I'd go for a jog or other long distance exercise that builds stamina and endurance . Works for me. When I ride 5+ miles on my bike, just focused on my body, how strong it's getting, how good that feels, sweating out toxins, impurities and bad emotions, I forget all about the object of my affections, don't miss her anymore.

rmb 12/31/2016

To Koolman's point, do things that redirect your focus and thoughts. We feel hurt and helpless when our relationships are struggling, when we feel like our partners are pulling away. I know for me, distractions help me get out of my head a bit.

Lenoire 12/31/2016

Excellent advice here. I agree the not wanting advice on moving forward does say a lot about you and the condition of your relationship. What is this rough patch you refer to?

courtneyvictoria 12/31/2016

The rough patch of him wanting space. I have had no contact now for a full day and night:/ I wish that was enough

Lenoire 12/31/2016

Any person who tells you they want space, is telling you they don't want to be with you. It's that simple. Any other words or actions to the contrary is just smoke and mirrors. You don't need to know why, just know that you're better off finding someone who doesn't want any space between you.

Aronia 01/01/2017

I also agree that it seems like he wants to end everything all together . I ll say that if you stop all contact and don't hear from him within 3 months, it is probably over for good.. but you never know.

courtneyvictoria 01/02/2017

He just broke up with me

Lenoire 01/02/2017

I really hope you can take something positive away from this, instead of turning it into a negative. This man was not right for you. He wasn't able to speak the truth and he is not the person you have fashioned in your mind.

momenttaker 01/02/2017

I'm sorry to hear that, Courtney. He just wasn't your Prince Charming - yours is somewhere else yet to be found, perhaps in a few more years. The ones who are worth it are the ones chasing you, not the other way around. Your story does remind me of some of the mis-heard lyrics of Rick Astly's "Never Give Up"

Then I'm gonna lift you up
Then I'm gonna let you down,
Then I'm gonna turn around and desert you
Then I'm gonna lift you high
Then I'm gonna say goodbye
Then I'm gonna tell a lie and hurt you

(All the 'then I'm's' were originally written as 'Never'. But almost everyone heard 'then I'm'.)

Be glad this is only six months into the relationship, not 2 years and a kid on the way.

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