Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
So I've been "seeing" this guy since February, or I should had been seeing.
He is from the US, apparently I can't give up LDR's, like always, at first everything was great, I should clarify that we have met in person and he lives right across the border, so we're not that far away.
Long story short: The pattern I follow in my relationships seems to be that I move mountains to make everything possible, and guys just seat back and watch me struggle. The past months have been very stressful for me, and although I'm very happy I have a job now, social interactions give me a lot of anxiety (and it's a sales job), yesterday I was feeling really down by the time I got home. US guy calls me and kept insisting on what was wrong, I told him I didn't know, I was probably just tired, he got mad and told me that was bs, things ended in him saying he was tired and didn't have time for games so I should just talk straight or keep it to myself.
Truth is, sometimes I don't understand why I feel down, and I think if I need time to think that should be fine. I have mixed feelings about all this, I know I'm not giving a lot of info but I don't wanna make this super long. I am sad because I don't think I will be takling to him again, since last time we saw he stopped teling me nice things, and stopped talking about wanting to be with me in the future. At the same time I wonder if I caused this so I could be "free" now that my life starts to take its path again, if the possibility of moving away again was too scary and I subconsciously pushed him away, or if I just simply realized that I was making him a priority in my life and treating him like a boyfriend when to him I was not a girlfriend and definitely not a priority.
For now I guess I'll just focus on myself.
He is from the US, apparently I can't give up LDR's, like always, at first everything was great, I should clarify that we have met in person and he lives right across the border, so we're not that far away.
Long story short: The pattern I follow in my relationships seems to be that I move mountains to make everything possible, and guys just seat back and watch me struggle. The past months have been very stressful for me, and although I'm very happy I have a job now, social interactions give me a lot of anxiety (and it's a sales job), yesterday I was feeling really down by the time I got home. US guy calls me and kept insisting on what was wrong, I told him I didn't know, I was probably just tired, he got mad and told me that was bs, things ended in him saying he was tired and didn't have time for games so I should just talk straight or keep it to myself.
Truth is, sometimes I don't understand why I feel down, and I think if I need time to think that should be fine. I have mixed feelings about all this, I know I'm not giving a lot of info but I don't wanna make this super long. I am sad because I don't think I will be takling to him again, since last time we saw he stopped teling me nice things, and stopped talking about wanting to be with me in the future. At the same time I wonder if I caused this so I could be "free" now that my life starts to take its path again, if the possibility of moving away again was too scary and I subconsciously pushed him away, or if I just simply realized that I was making him a priority in my life and treating him like a boyfriend when to him I was not a girlfriend and definitely not a priority.
For now I guess I'll just focus on myself.
First, let me say that based on what youve said about where you live, I dont BLAME you for preferring men out of your country.
Secondly, it sounds like this guy was fun for a bit, but it doesnt sound like he was being very patient or considerate when you werent feeling all sunshine and rainbows. Youre human and youre ALLOWED to be down every now and then.
Maybe youre right - now that you are getting your life back on track and recovering from your divorce, you are subconsciously ending this relationship so you can completely move forward. Thats not such a bad thing.
I think focusing on yourself is a GREAT plan for right now - your life is taking a couple of big steps that need your attention.
Take some time to work on being the best Mimi you can be, when shes done cooking, youll know it - and then youll be bagging all sorts of hot US men!
From what you have written here I don't believe you have done anything to push him away. It sounds like you are just allowing yourself to be you, and he is the one who is being ridiculous and full of drama.
LDRs are so difficult because you cannot see what the other person is really dealing with on a day to day basis and so these kinds of misunderstandings so easily happen. It sounds almost as though he is behaving in a somewhat jealous way that he is no longer the be all and end all of every minute of your life, and if he dumps you for that reason he is immature.
By the way congratulations on your job!!! So thrilled to hear you have finally got one so you can really get your life back on track.
I know it is not easy, but please try not to stress too much over him and his reaction. He needs to work that out, and hopefully if he really cares about you he will finally come to understand that all the new changes and adjustments you are having to adapt to with starting your job are sapping your energy.
Just give it time as far as he is concerned and see what happens. Maybe it was a passing bit of fun, or if he is genuinely keen on you he will make the effort to work it out.
Focus your energy on yourself and taking care of you. You are such a beautiful young woman and there are plenty of great guys who would be so lucky to get to know you.
(((((hugs)))) dear sweet friend.
Crossing oceans for people that wouldn't jump a puddle for you is exhausting and unrewarding. I'm glad you see this as a pattern. I do the same darn thing and it drives me nuts! I can see it while I'm doing it but can't stop until I'm so broken and miserable that I leave or sabotage the relationship so they will.
My (personal and present) solution (which is totally not for everyone. To each his/her own) is to date Casually; beholden to no one, responsible only for my Own happiness and peace of mind. I'm sure I'll fall victim to couplehood again someday haha but, I hope I am strong enough to hold off on that until I have firmly re-established My identity.
From the sound of things, Your life is right on track and advancing in positive ways. That's awesome! :D Onward to bigger and better things!
New, that's a very interesting point of view, this past week I told him he had been awfully quiet lately, his response was "what? you have a job now", that left me very confused... yes, by the end of the day I'm very tired and I cannot be on my phone at work, but when I have a lunch break or even when I go to the bathroom I'd send a quick text... so that sounded like a lame excuse.
The problem with casual dating... is that there's no one I wanna date here haha :(
For now adapting to a new job and socializing is all the stress I can handle right now.
"Crossing oceans for people that wouldn't jump a puddle for you" I couldn't have said it better...
Again, thank you girls, now I feel a bit more normal :)
I say move on!
I felt I was back into my marriage with stbxh... that feeling, like if someone had punched ne in the stomach, like if there was something wrong with me and I should apologize for feeling the way I feel, like if I were completely unimportant.
So... yeah... moving on... I actually remembered what SBJ said to someone here one ocassion, "he's just a guy" ha... I keep repeating that to myself.
By now he should know that you are dealing with a lot, why is he being so combative?!
I hate when people tell you how you should be feeling.
Broken, I'm not sure I understand what do you mean, I do not hope a man will take my problems away, but if I listen to his problems, I expect the same in return, or at least respect for my feelings.
I don't know what to tell you on the relationship thing, but just wanted to chime in with the others, there is nothing wrong with you. Men are different from us. Most are "fixers" and they want to fix our problems. It frustrates them when they can't. Congrats on the job. Onward and upward