Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Sexual Tension

KendraBeth
KendraBeth
I've been with a guy who I've thought is the love of my life for 9 months now. He is a little over protective but otherwise he treats me so well and tells me he loves me every day. I have always been able to see us having a future together.
Here's the catch.
I have a very close guy friend with whom I have an incredible amount of sexual tension. We talk on the phone for hours every day and we're really close. The sexual tension is mounting and I often fantasize about being with my friend. I would never cheat on my boyfriend (I cheated on an ex and it was a terrible mistake I would never repeat) but I feel terribly guilty for my feelings and attraction towards my friend. The sexual tension is mutual, as we've both admitted it to each other.
I know this is all unfair to my boyfriend, but I also think if things were perfect in my relationship then I wouldn't even really notice other guys. At what point does sexual tension with another guy become a reason to break up with your significant other?
AdamTyler
AdamTyler
If you're trying to look for something else sexually with another guy you should probably end the relationship because when he finds out he is not gunna be happy & heartbroken. I was with my girlfriend for 3 years & she cheated on me, and it was like the worst feeling ever! So now I'm in a position where I can't even trust women anymore.
It really sucks when the person you think has your trust just ignores it all for sex...
deleted_user
deleted_user
If there are problems in your relationship and that's the reason you're having talking to this friend for hours every day and there's sexual tension with this friend, talk to your b/f about what you see as "not perfect" in your relationship and work together to fix the problems. No relationship is perfect, problems will come up in all relationships but instead of putting so much focus on another person, direct that focus on you and your b/f working together to make your relationship a strong, healthy relationship.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree with the two guys. So now you have 2 male perspectives and a female perspective. You have to choose.
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
There was a time in my marriage when my wife kept me so sexually satisfied, I didn't really have a need to look or even to talk to another woman! But that all changed when my wife was contacted by a former teenage boyfriend and she only needed to see him once to realize that her marriage to me was a mistake. He was much more sexually compatible with her then I was and that began the end of our marriage. Not that I regret it because I don't. It took alot of weight off my shoulders trying to be somebody I'm not.

This is just a suggestion but I think if you're having those kinds of feelings for this guy you talk on the phone to, then there is something very important missing in your relationship with the guy you've been seeing for 9 months.

I think if you marry him, you will regret it imo.

Good Luck!
koolman
koolman
All life is a trade-off. You have to give up something...to get something else, unless both of these guys are game to a threesome, which, it sounds like your over-protective present boyfriend is most definitely not.

But you might fuck this new guy who is creating sexual tension once...only to find out he was only interested in you as a one-time thing, or an occasional quickie whenever he needs it, and he's also screwing other girls, which you would have to be able to handle.

We can't make this decision for you. It all involves risk. The risk of never knowing something better, or giving up something that was really great and right for you to begin with to begin a life of promiscuity, which may or may not be as fulfilling. You have to choose.
deleted_user
deleted_user
sounds like an emotional affair to me, teetering on becoming a physical one

how many lovers have you had in your life?

maybe youre not ready yuet to have a committed monogamous relationship?

maybe your boyfriended senses that, ending up being protective because of it?
Aronia
Aronia
I agree with the others.. You have to decide. You are having an emotional affair and if your man friend was your real friend he would have never let this happen knowing you are in a relationship.
The friendship becomes " wrong" when you are having continuous contact with the other person and your relationship is intimate and if you start having interest in them.
Having an intimate emotional relationship with the person of opposite sex almost always leads to affairs.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ya Dr Phil would dx your friendship as a emtional affair. You gotta choice and that sucks. Just remember the grass always seems greener on the other side.

How is sex with your boydriend? is he meeting you needs and desires ect? Are you really in love with your BF or is he "a safe person to be with."

I tend to believe all behavior is caused, thus something is missing in your relationship with your bf or you would not have gotten in an emotional affair with this friend guy in the first place.
luvmygirl4
luvmygirl4
You've already cheated.

There will almost always be someone out there who flirts or turns you on or tries to get you to cheat. Its your choice, as an adult, how to deal with it.

Are you in an open relationship? If not, you are deceiving your bf by letting it go too far already.

Fix your relationship with your bf or let him go.
KendraBeth
KendraBeth
Thank you all for your responses. You really opened my eyes. Reading your comments makes my stomach hurt with guilt. I have immediately stopped putting up with these verbal sexual advances from the "friend" and am really re-thinking whether I should even consider this individual a friend. Although I don't believe that I have "cheated" necessarily, I do agree that the friendship has gone too far beyond the perimeter of platonic friendship.

I agree that there is value in carefully considering my relationship with my boyfriend to determine what may be missing. It's time to turn my attention from this other guy friend to my current relationship.

I guess that leads me to the question of, when you are in a monogamous relationship with someone, is it wrong to feel attraction towards another person as long as that attraction is not acted upon? Where is the line drawn?
KendraBeth
KendraBeth
Like, we all experience "what-if"s, but is it acceptable to wonder what if?
gina666
gina666
I agree with Adam.there should be more Adams in the world
deleted_user
deleted_user
i think it would be beneficial to date a number of guys before envisioning a future together. it is ok to be attracted to a number of people without acting on it. sexual tension never needs to be acted upon, unless you willingly torture yourself by staying in it like you have been, and you can torture yourself as much as you like, but its playing with fire.

dating a number of people will help you make a better choice when you finally do choose to be with someone for the long haul, someone you wontbe tempted to cheat on, emotionally, or otherwise.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think this might have been written earlier but you can think anything you want (when you think about it that can pretty cool). But acting on the thought by words or actions is when there is problem. I think it is great that you have set limits with this other guy and you are focusing your attention on your current bf. It made my day reading your last comments.
tossedaside
tossedaside
Conflict resolution
ask yourself "what am I getting I do not want, what am I wanting, that I'm not getting?"
Your thoughts are the one thing that no person can take away from you, only actions on those thoughts make crossing the border into deceit wrong. Lusting after another happens for many folks, be cautious to not ley the mind overflow with those thoughts, else the actions might betray you. I kinda believe if you are immersed in thoughts of others, there may be something missing in your relationship, hence, the conflict resolution.



Then again, my thoughts may be totally wrong.
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