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It is all individual where you draw the line.. for some people it depends on circumstances.
Where I grew up - ALL of my female classmates have been raped or forced to perform oral sex before they finished school. Some got it worse than others.
We all moved on. I don’t know what happened to my friends at this point, but I don’t have any lasting effects from the times I was assaulted.
As far as boundaries - I don’t know how I set mine. It is kind of intuitive. I can just tell when someone is an asshole and will hurt me.
In USA I dated a lot of men and never had a bad experience when it came to that.
I feel very sympathetic to women who get hurt.

Me personally, I think right now any negative interaction a woman has with a man seems to be thrown in one big pot and that bothers me because it borders on witch hunt mentality. There’s sexual harassment, there’s sexual assault, there’s rape, there’s bad dating experiences, etc, and a whole lot in between. I don’t know all the details of the Aziz Ansari situation except for what’s being alleged and let’s face it. Men who have a name or power often overstep because they are catered to. But it sounds like this woman and he were having consentual intimacy at first and she alleges he didn’t read her non verbal cues that she wanted it to stop. Ok, how about SAY NO AND THEN PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND LEAVE. Then it’s clear.

Sexual assault, rape and sexual harassment at work should be punished, hard. I want to believe women but then I struggle with what feels like hopping on the band wagon at this time in our culture. Most women I know, myself included, have experienced really uncomfortable situations with men. The dialogue that is happening right now is freakin’ awesome because it’s waking people up. I was also sexually assaulted when I was a teen. When I was in my 30s I had a really weird experience with a woman at a party where she was groping me. That bothered me as much as any bad experience with a man.

So to me it’s just not fearing hurting the other persons feeling or being polite. It’s really, saying STOP, making yourself super clear, as in leave. I have no problem with also saying fuck off or I will level you.

Again, that’s just me.

Ergh... So what if it is all a witch hunt!!!? How long is rape culture going to go on unchallenged!??? Let every one report and everyone get convicted

Of the people who go to the police, who then cps take to court, who then get sentenced???

Three percent??

Men are having a giraffe!

Don't want to embarrass the guy???! I've had men force themselves on me then tell me they know I didn't want it without me saying a thing

It's all very disgusting

And quite frankly. If every "lying" woman out there gets supported and justice then maybe the tide will turn on all the genuine cases so a huge chunk of evil in this world will rapidly reduce

After all the abuses men and leaders have done to women, perhaps it's time they learnt to behave with some morals!

and no teasing a man to have sex with you is nothing like rape, if you were threatening violence with a gun to his head maybe

This is one of those situations where the majority of reports are legitimate but there's always got to be a few women intent on joining the party with no relevant story to tell.

If you elect to go to a man's home after having a few drinks. Willing go to his bedroom, take off your clothing in a dimly lit room and allow him to give you oral, and then try to give some low grade non-verbal cues, it's not reasonable to expect that he's going to pick up on that IN THAT MOMENT. Let me be clear, she had to right to change her mind and walk right out of there, no ifs ands or buts about it.

The thing is she never uttered the word no at any point by her own admission. He wasn't making her do anything, holding her there against her will, or threatening her in any way by her own admission, so she could have stood up, put on her clothing, and left at any time.

To top it off, she texted him afterwards told him she wasn't as into it as he was and he gave a very nice apology and seemed genuinely concerned about her feelings. She apparently forgave him for whatever was running around in her head. Since there was very little, if anything, to forgive, that should have been the end of it. I don't understand why she is anonymously bringing it up because he won an award.

Though most of what was reported on the other actors pissed me off on behalf of the woman, Aziz Ansar's case just had me worried that we are like the puppy that's been chasing it's tail and finally caught it, but have no idea what to do now. Do we keep chewing on the tail and screaming about rape culture until nobody takes us seriously anymore? That's real easy to do, but is a genuine disservice to actual abuse victims. Or as mature responsible women, are we to get real about mislabeling situations as abuse? When women have agency and chose not to use it, that does not make their decisions or lack thereof the other person's problem.

Let me use a real life analogy to explain how I see the situation. My sister was young and moved to the beach with her husband as a newlywed. They were on a tight budget and were living paycheck to paycheck. They stopped by a street carnival and one of the game keepers asked if he wanted to play a ring toss. Her husband said yes and my sister handed him twenty bucks. She was the one responsible for holding the money they earned working for the same hotel. He got 3 out of 4, so no prize. Hubbie wanted to try again. The game was fun and they wanted to win the huge bear for her. Needless to say they both got so caught up in the excitement of playing that she eventually reached into the purse to find they had spent all their money. They were literally looking at doing without food until their next payday. They didn't because I sent them money, but who is the person to blame in this situation? Was the game master who kept ramping up the excitement and encouraging them to try again? Was the husband for continually asking for more money? Or was it my sister who was tasked with managing their money but unable to bring herself to say no to her husband?

I think the grey areas are VERY important as these things will destroy peoples' lives if they aren't dealt with honestly

Any type of sexual assault should be dealt with harshly if it is an assault with one person saying no

I've just looked this up online as I haven't heard about it but I don't think it's at all clear from what I've read???? ( and that isn't much)

I grew up with way too much sexual assault as well..... I went to a girl's night one time and somehow the subject was brought up.... Out of 10 of us every one had been assaulted one way or another up to and including rape

I think that though injustice is every bit as awful and devastating..... It has to be what's real and truthful

IMHO privatized prison's cause a lot of injustice because it pays to incarcerate people.... another real dark area

I strongly support the #metoo movement. I think that the fact that cases of sexual assault are being taken so seriously is a very positive sign of ch ange in our culture. There was a long period in America where molestation and rape was simply swept under the rug.

However, the Aziz case, in my opinion, does not sound like sexual assault at all. Sounds more like an awkward sexual encounter with a lot of mixed messages.

Once she clearly verbalize, "no", he stopped. Up until that point she was giving him oral sex and sitting around naked alone in a private room with him after a date. Of course he made advances.

Sounds like Aziz could've been a little more sensitive, but I wouldn't class him with monsters like Weinstein etc.

I do agree with SunCloud that the injustice of false accusations is devastating. I think historically in this country about African american youth and young men being falsely accused of raping white women and not only being imprisoned but some being lynched. There are endless examples that cross social, gender and cultural lines through out our history. It’s fucked up.

I’m a woman but I’m also an individual. I can’t do the whole “if you are not with me you’re against me thing. I sense that occurring if you are someone who says, ok wait, let’s look all at the facts. What I really despise is feeling like women can’t support each other if they aren’t in complete 100% agreement. What’s the point of fighting for our right to vote, fighting for equal pay, fighting to have jobs typically held by men if we can’t be independent thinkers. .

Sorry I know that’s a tangent but I feel it’s relavant to the discussion. It’s not just about some men being dirt bags or worse sexually abusive or even worse rapists. It’s about women too and how we actually are empowered to walk away from shitty situations, how we can report harassment in the office. How we can tell our sons, hands and penises to yourself! And our daughters, use your head and remember if a guy invites you to his hotel room, he is going to try to have sex with you not play checkers.

These are all really good points- thanks everyone!