Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My fiance just proposed on November 25th. He deals with anxiety and so do I. Lately it seems as if our anxiety is just skyrocketing. We feed off of each other until im crying on the bathroom floor really worried about things out of my control.
His ex is extremely manipulative and still calls him to tell him how awful he is and how disappointed she is in him. I have told him multiple times to cut her off because he gets so much anxiety every time she calls and it just sets our whole relationship off.
Im worried this is coming across as the fact that Im jealous of her. She has had a lot of suicide attempts and shes a cutter and she uses that against him everytime he tries to leave.
Its killing me seeing him so hurt. He has such a kind heart.
The other day she called him while he was in camp to tell him she got in a severe car accident in which she should have died (obviously he was concerned) so he talked to her on the phone for awhile.
My gut instantly turned upside down.
I just dont know how to handle it. I dont want to take my anxiety out on him (especially when hes in camp) over him just having an extremely kind heart and wanting her to be okay.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
If it were me I would cut off all contact with her and if she leaves any messages stating that she's cutting or will attempt suicide call 911 each and every time..... She should be working with mental health professionals if she's really ill
His allowing this to continue is hurting all of you.... He needs to man up and take a stand...… If he won't I wouldn't even think of getting married at this point
Big hug...… This is no good ….. xo
So opineth The Arf. . .
Gentle support, whichever way you take it, Rcurtis.
Do find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner's happiness, but not getting much in return? If that kind of one-sided pattern sounds like yours, you don't have to feel trapped. There are lots of ways to change a codependent relationship and get your life back on an even keel.
What Is a Codependent Relationship?
The first step in getting things back on track is to understand the meaning of a codependent relationship. Experts say it's a pattern of behavior in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity.
One key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs.
"Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy," says Scott Wetzler, PhD, psychology division chief at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "One or both parties depend on their loved ones for fulfillment."
Anyone can become codependent. Some research suggests that people who have parents who emotionally abused or neglected them in their teens are more likely to enter codependent relationships.
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"These kids are often taught to subvert their own needs to please a difficult parent, and it sets them up for a long-standing pattern of trying to get love and care from a difficult person," says Shawn Burn, PhD, a psychology professor at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo.
"They're often replaying a childhood pattern filled with development gaps," Wetzler says.
How to Know You're in a Codependent Relationship
Watch out for these signs that you might be in a codependent relationship:
Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?
Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with him or her in spite of them?
Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?
"Individuals can also assume they are in a codependent relationship if people around them have given them feedback that they are too dependent on their partner or if they have a desire, at times, for more independence but feel an even stronger conflict when they attempt to separate in any way," says psychologist Seth Meyers.
"They'll feel anxiety more consistently than any other emotion in the relationship," Meyers says, "and they'll spend a great deal of time and energy either trying to change their partner or … trying to conform to their partner's wishes
Everyone inthis scenario seems to be have really heightened, disproportionate emotional responses and very little coping strategies.
Might need to just both step back and each of you do some self work, independent of each other. Getting ensconced in each other’s emotional spin outs is a kind of codependence. I’m not saying don’t be together but work through your own anxiety stuff, to better manage your emotions so if you do marry you are coming together healthy in mind and spirit.
Just my opinion, but I wouldn't have allowed him to have that type of unhealthy contact with his ex. I would have told him to get rid of her.... long ago. But, it's never too late.
I thought marriage was for 2 people, not 3? His ex will never go away unless he makes it crystal clear to her to go away.
Speak up. Stand up for yourself. She will only cause more problems, and it sounds like you two have some issues that you need to work on, just the two of you. Counseling should help. Good luck.
Is "lately" the majority of your relationship, or just these past few weeks since the engagement?
Because what it sounds like is that it's just the past few weeks. But if it's been the whole relationship, getting some couple's therapy now, might save a whole lot of grief later on.
Honestly...my advice...take the phone off the hook (or kill the cell phone batteries) and chill for a weekend with your fiance.
And yes, you are correct, it would be great if he just cut her off. I agree with rmb that it is his issue to sort out.
Last...CONGRADULATIONS!!! You're engaged!!! Enjoy it. Life is too short not to celebrate the good things when we can.
We have our first couples counselling appointment on the 20th and are starting to go to individual therapy sessions weekly again.
We are taking some much needed us time over the christmas holidays and hopefully are getting on the right path with the engagement plans.