Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Second Stringers

veggiequeen
veggiequeen

I know very little about sports... but I do kinow there are those first and forefront in the game... and then there are those second stringers. You know the ones always waiting for a chance... sitting by the sidelines patiently (or in my case impatiently) waiting on the bench.  


If I think about it, I have been like this most of my life. Watching life go by without me. In the past few years I have finally come to realize what I actually want and need. I voice my opinion and was always either ignored or do get very S-L-O-W results. Right now I am dealing with the same thing with my BIL doing some work for me... he started out with a vengeance, but now I am at the tail end of the list. One of the things he is putting off is a new roof. I have been contacted by the bank to get the final bill from the completed job as well as the insurance itemized estimate they will provide. half is already in the bank. I have decided to just go with the original contractor I wanted (just hoping he will still do it and can fit me in)


I have decided it is time that I stop allowing others to drag things out or settling for crumbs (both in my relationships or things I need accomplished. )  I follow in many women in my family's footsteps... feeling like I am a second class citizen.    None of us should have to be made to feel like that.  So sorry so many of us do.   Try to remember we  deserve better.


 

finallyawakenow
finallyawakenow
Roofing company’s are experienced and will do the job quickly. Will have insurance and can provide legit documents for your bank. Many guys want to re-roof which is a horrible practice of going over the old shingles with new. This doubles the weight, voids the new shingle warranty and makes the next roof job a nightmare. When I do a roof I strip everything to inspect the plywood, replace any (hopefully not all) bad pieces then cover with ice and water membrane which makes the roof water tight that day. Then install shingles. This guarantees that the job meets building code.
BIL dragging feet may be a blessing....
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
He was here when the insurance guy was to do appraisal so knows it was approved for complete redo. He knew and was talking with the guy and they were the 2 who thought he and his son's FIL could do as good a job. But I want to go with my original because of just as you said. There is a team who will "bang it out" so to speak and not leave me hanging and praying every time another storm blows through.
rmb
rmb
My brother is a plumber so when we owned our house, I would call him to fix stuff when he worked for a plumbing company because it would be a way for him to make money in the side and cheaper for us. He then started his own company with just him and a helper. He’d offer to fix stuff but it was always low on the priority list because he was so busy and his paying full price customers came first. They had to. A lot of them were building new homes so there were deadlines plus that how he could make real income. After a while I just stopped asking him because if something became urgent I didn’t want to wait.

I think your BIL probably isn’t intentionally trying to put you off but maybe his priorities just don’t align with yours at the moment. I think it’s smart to just take control and hire who you want to hire. That way you can keep things moving and have more of a say in things. It’s been my experience every roofer and contractor we’ve ever dealt with, regardless of how highly recommended they are, always over promise completion timeframes. But at least you have more recourse when it’s a contracted person rather than someone you know. Kind of takes the emotion out of it too which is always an issue when it’s family.
urbangardener
urbangardener
Good for you. Pick the person or company that will serve your needs first. I never do business with family, just a rule, because if it blows up then family is mad at us. Maybe you are seen as weak or a pushover but maybe this BIL is simply this way. Over promises and under delivers. With everyone. I think we have to be business like and hold ourselves up as strong women and men. This decision is a business decision and it sounds like you BIL just doesn’t have the ability to meet those needs. I’d thank him for his past help and say you have chosen someone else that can meet your needs. He will get mad but you have to take care of you first. People like the BIL always get mad or blame us for their failures. Don’t get sucked into his BS. You deserve peace of mind and a company that carries both liability insurance and worker’s compensation insurance, don’t hire anyone who doesn’t!
rmb
rmb
Is he a monster? I don’t get why he’s being portrayed as a bad guy. Maybe I’m missing something? It just sounds like it’s not his first priority. Should it be? I would assume the time frames and what not would have been discussed and agreed upon by both you when the work was discussed with him.

Anyway I agree to hire someone outside of your family. I don’t think you have to make a big deal about it. You can just say you wanted to get it done sooner than later. He may get mad but may not either. If you don’t take him dragging his feet personally he may not take you going elsewhere personally either.
urbangardener
urbangardener
A person doesn’t have to be a monster, as you call it, rmb. Sometimes normal everyday people are simply incapable of doing what we need, and yes - often they get mad when we decide to set boundaries. It happens. Nice, good people would get the job done if they were concerned for the customer. But a relative may not see us as a customer or may choose to treat us badly because they can or because we don’t matter. If this is what is happening, I totally support VQ in finding someone more business like. What she said is she feels second string and like she’s being put off constantly. She’s tired of S L O W, as she said. Maybe you were okay waiting for your plumber relative to find time for you, maybe you weren’t paying him so this seemed reasonable to you. Some of us accept being blown off because we don’t see ourselves as having value or agency. Sometimes it’s intimidating to hire a stranger so we go to our relatives because we know them and possibly hope they will be okay this time. It doesn’t feel reasonable to veggie queen. That is when it’s time to find a new trades person.
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
He's not a monster, but no, I am not his first priority. The thing is , he also did work in my master bath. That has not been finished, then he adds to the list, A total roof and I need to replace my decks. I have finally gotten funds from Dave's ESOP. I am going to line things (and people ) up to get things done if I can. I am tired of living in limbo. I do plan to sell the house. Until then, I would like to have a brief bit of time where I can enjoy it (as I always wanted it ).

He is supposed to be retired but was wanting to get back to doing some work and getting out of the house (and away from my sister who drives him nuts) and earning some extra cash. . He is hoping to get more work from word of mouth. Truthfully, after waiting for 85 months, I am not sure I would recommend him to a friend. he does have good intentions.
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
This is why I don't rely on friends or family members to "do me a favor" with repairs, maintenance or other critical services. I am willing to pay a professional to do a professional job. This ensures I am a priority and no a second thought.
rmb
rmb
Yeah he probably is good intentioned but just not up to the task of follow through. It’s so stressful living in the midst of half done home projects and construction. I am glad you are moving forward. I don’t blame you one bit.
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
I have planned on and offered to pay him as well. He has been kind and did alot with just cost of supplies... It was nice to be offered a deal and know it would get done
...but it does bring back the last on the list kind of thinking......I am tired of waiting...and being forgotten
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