I have a history of violent, verbally abusive relationships, with one being the most formative in my early to mid 20's. When we finally broke up (it's been a year and a half) I was left with a lot of emotional scars, self- doubt, and questioning whether or not i villanized him all along or if I was the actual problem in the relationship, and I was too needy, and he was a great guy. I was in love with him so deeply and the spark never died- yet he would drink and become extremely jealous, call me a cunt and slut in public and private places, tell me to shut the fuck up at dinner, demean me and my friends, comment on the fact that I live in a nice apartment and my parents help support grad school and how I'll never know what's it's like to work as hard as him. He would demand to see my phone, accuse me of cheating and giving "pretty eyes" to guys (when I wasn't), and on several occasions punched through random car windows, threw a chair off of my roof deck onto the street below, flipped my coffee table, and would be come non-directly violent towards me. I was scared, but he would sober up the next day and apologize and say he would work on it. Yet, when he was sober- he would blow hot and cold- some days I wouldn't hear from him the whole day, other days he'd be very into talking to me. I could never fully feel like I was consistent with him because I was so scared he wouldn't talk to me, or he would ignore me, which made me feel desperate and needy. When I confronted him about it, he said "sometimes I feel like I need to fake the conversation with you, like I don't want to talk to you every day". But, when we were good, I was on the top of the world with this guy, I loved every minute with him and made sure to show him- did his laundry, financially helped him, lent him my car, allowed him to stay at my place whenever he wanted. I had my bitchy moments, but I never once was destructive to his property or called him a cunt in public. When it ended, it was because he took a high-paying job at a big firm downtown, and he grew very distant and even more full of himself, and I began to feel discarded as if he didn't need me anymore.. I confronted him about it which led to a very violent, disrespectful breakup. He didn't physically hurt me, but basically wouldn't give me the respect of a goodbye and threw me and my shit on the street saying he had to go to a club that night with new work buddies.

Now, a year and a half out, I've slept with several guys. I find myself navigating towards emotionally unavailable, EXTREMELY good looking, athletic, charismatic types... the ones who have girls by the handfuls and you always want to end up with, but you're nothing more than a one night stand.. my ex boyfriend reminds me of that because I finally did manage to tie him down, and I felt so special because of that, despite his anger and verbal abuse towards me.

I have been in therapy for a year and a half, and I'm ready for a relationship. I'll be 26 in February, I want to start thinking about the future. I want to be with a guy who respects me, who is financially stable and willing to support and grow a family (this is not shallow, but a desire of mine), I want to be with someone I'm physically attracted to.. and would do anything to regain the spark I had with my ex. Unfortunately mostly all of the guys I've been involved with since the break up have been charismatic but in it for the hook up and not much else- I find myself attracted to them for their looks and charm, but not much else.

This guy I met a year ago at an event has asked me out incessantly about 10-15 times throughout the year. I've turned him down because of how much his friend says he's obsessed with me- when is a turn off (oddly) to me, and makes me unnattracted to him. He's actually very attractive, tall, athletic, smart, has an incredible job (does far better than my ex), went to a good school, and has his life together... he isn't a party animal which is nice. The only thing is he's EXTREMELY timid, to the point where my friends make fun of him in private and think something's wrong with him.. they'll say he doesn't speak and he's so quiet that it's a massive turn off. When he has talked to me in times past, he's been kind of nervous but talkative, but definitely a little self- conscious and lacking the type of confidence I'm used to in most good looking guys. I thought to myself if this guy had a typical "asshole" personality, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat- no questions asked. My friends squeem at the thought of hooking up with him- despite the fact that he's attractive- because of how quiet and "socially awkward" he seems. When he texts me, he's extremely formal and almost intentionally not casual... and that comes across as awkward to me, because I like guys who are confident with themselves and laid back... it seems like he is so self-aware and worried about how he looks to me that even his text come across as formal thought-over offers.

That being said, I took him up on a date last week for drinks. We met up (I really had to force myself to go, because in the long run, on paper, he's exactly who I want to be with.. but I feel NO sexual attraction). Drinks went well- he's so incredibly smart and loves talking about politics (as do I) and knows so much about the world.. he can hold his own in a conversation and has work goals too. I saw a different side of him, but still wasn't sold on the whole sexual attraction component which is big for me. Also, when he'd try to get the bartender's attention, he seemed inconfident and meek.. and I've always liked guys who are strong and make themselves known. Hugging him is kind of like hugging a limp body- he's a big guy (6'4) but he's unsure of himself and therefore seems limp to me....

He asked me out to dinner, and told me he'd take me wherever I want to go. I thought it was so sweet- I have never heard those words before, and my ex would always take me out to dinner for SPECIAL occasions, like it was considered my christmas or birthday present for a BIG dinner out with him. This new guy took me to a fancy restaurant and dropped $100 without a thought- my ex would have seen that as only for a special occassion, sans present, which was always the case. On our second date, we had great conversation again- he definitely had his awkward moments, which made me feel awkward too, but I tried to overlook it... I'm thinking now, from time in therapy and self-reflecting, that the guys I want to have that SPARK and "fun" with in my 20's- good looking assholes, are not the ones who will provide and care and be dependable for a family. I just don't feel a huge spark, but I am getting know him better and enjoying my time with him. Is it possible to build a spark over time? The thought of having sex with makes me feel very uncomfortable because of how timid and quiet he is, and I'm not used to that... Should I continue to force it with myself in going on dates with him? I cannot stress enough that he's incredibly generous and nice, and sweet. I've always been one for the thrill of the chase and gone off that *spark*, which has led to trouble in the past, but I'm concerned that if there's no spark now.. it'll be a new kind of trouble for me. Is it worth it? How do I conquer the whole having sex with him thing... (I'm physically attracted to him.. but the act of doing it makes me feel so awkward because of how awkward he can be with me)?