Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I'm in a relationship and my girlfriend and I have been living together for 6 months.
We almost never fight, but I actually am now begining to feel this is worse than fighting. The reason is, whenever I bring up anything that bothers me it seems to agitate her and she changes the subject. Lately, my feelings towards her have been changing.
Now my question is this... Should I be worried or concerned that my girl is going to Work parties about once a month? The thing is.. I've been cheated on before, so my guard is up.
She's a good girl, in school, loves animals, and is an indepentdant woman. Very strong ego.
Whenever were together she doesn't really care about how she looks. Never using make up, eye liner, rarely shaves her legs (not horrible but maybe once a week?)
Yet.. I can't help feel insulted that when she goes to these parties, she goes from 10pm-3am in the morning. Spends two hours preparing for the party. Shower, shaves, eye liner, make up, she looks totally transformed. Straightens her hair, keeps checking the mirror... ect.
Do I have a right to feel insulted, should I worry about this? Like I said, even when we both go to a party or go out she never, and I mean never puts any effort in it.
My thoughts are, there has to be a reason she is trying to look soo good. Think I'm over thinking it, or could I be on to something>?
And yeah yeah... try talking to her, I already mentioned this whole situation last party, but she didnt think much of it and obviously did the same. I always compliment her and what not, but I was so agitated yesterday that every 5 minutes she was checking on something, I said nothing.
Can I have some women perspectives please?
We almost never fight, but I actually am now begining to feel this is worse than fighting. The reason is, whenever I bring up anything that bothers me it seems to agitate her and she changes the subject. Lately, my feelings towards her have been changing.
Now my question is this... Should I be worried or concerned that my girl is going to Work parties about once a month? The thing is.. I've been cheated on before, so my guard is up.
She's a good girl, in school, loves animals, and is an indepentdant woman. Very strong ego.
Whenever were together she doesn't really care about how she looks. Never using make up, eye liner, rarely shaves her legs (not horrible but maybe once a week?)
Yet.. I can't help feel insulted that when she goes to these parties, she goes from 10pm-3am in the morning. Spends two hours preparing for the party. Shower, shaves, eye liner, make up, she looks totally transformed. Straightens her hair, keeps checking the mirror... ect.
Do I have a right to feel insulted, should I worry about this? Like I said, even when we both go to a party or go out she never, and I mean never puts any effort in it.
My thoughts are, there has to be a reason she is trying to look soo good. Think I'm over thinking it, or could I be on to something>?
And yeah yeah... try talking to her, I already mentioned this whole situation last party, but she didnt think much of it and obviously did the same. I always compliment her and what not, but I was so agitated yesterday that every 5 minutes she was checking on something, I said nothing.
Can I have some women perspectives please?
You may need to sit her down and let her know there are some things that Need to be discussed as 2 mature adults, that means No changing the subject.
In a relationship you need lots of communication.
Stubborn or ego? Not sure.. thanks for your opinion :)
And if she's innocent, she wouldn't refuse to talk to you about it...she's hiding something.
And even is she IS stubborn or has a big ego....going out until 3am...after getting all dressed up...i think you have a right to know where she is and who she's with.
I find it odd that should wouldn't afford you, her significant other, the same or similar primping. Since only she can know why she does this, my advice to you is to get to the bottom of why this bothers you. If it is that you would like her to get all dressed up, makeup, shave her legs, etc for you then you need to tell her that. Personally, I think there is an issue there but maybe not what you think it is. As soon as the words come out of your mouth regarding the behavior being strange for these work parties it puts her on the defensive because whether it is said or not she is being accused of something. The better solution in my opinion is to ask why it is she doesn't afford you the same respect/courtesy of looking good by spending time and making the effort she obviously knows how to do.
A totally separate issue would be that of avoiding uncomfortable conversations with you. If it exists beyond this primping subject, I would be worried. It isn't about fighting or not but if nothing gets resolved then there is a problem. Your thoughts and feelings need to be equally important and if they are not taken seriously then you need to convey that or decide if you'd like to continue having you be less important to her.
For me, I have lived what you explain.... if you do not resolve it somehow, it will break you.
Good luck and remember that while not fighting is nice, constant wondering has no end like an argument can end. I say lay it on the line, but first decide what you're willing to accept and more importantly what you're not.
2. Parties once a month can be suspicious, idk what she does for a living, but the fact that you are not invited is not a good thing, I think.
Cheating / work party aside......
There are obvious problems in this relationship other than your suspicion.
Conflict resolution- The inability to discuss, argue, and resolve conflict is perhaps the most notorious relationship killer. She gets annoyed, changes subject, etc. This dynamic assures that you will never get your needs met.
Her primping for other parties also gives an obvious message. Her appearance is more important for WHOMEVER, than it is for you. You are second place in her mind.
Show her that YOUR ego is as strong or STRONGER than hers by setting some ground rules.
BTW.....you described someone with low self-esteem, not a healthy ego. Thats simply a mask worn for the world to see.
When I am at home I slouch around in sweats and tshirts. I don't wear makeup and my hair is most often in a pony tail. I feel comfortable with my SO, so I don't feel the need to look my best as he knows my best and my worst already. If he was to take me out then I would doll up, do you take her special places?
But when I go out with the girls, I take time to do my makeup, I dress nicer, I doll up. I find that when I am going out with people who I don't feel 100% comfy with, I want to look my best.
Does that mean I'm cheating? Hell no!!! I have never cheated on anyone! It's just my logic. Comfy with someone=relaxed appearance. Not comfy with someone=outward best so that people don't criticize and judge negativley on appearance.
I wouldn't over react if I were you. And if you do you may just chase her away. I know once my fiancee made a remark about why I got dressed up for everyone else and I told him that he was lucky enough to see me in my birthday suit, and that's better then any nice shirt I wear for strangers, so if he had any concerns I would start dressing up for him, but my birthday suit was going into hibernation.
Just my Opinion. How she reacts to that will be very informative.
#2: Are you still dressing yourself with the attitude of winning her affections? If you have slacked off, then she may be following suit. If she is not responsive to the effort you are putting forth, she may be putting her energies elsewhere.
#3: Do you approach her with your concerns in an open manner? If you do not gently broach the subject, her changing the subject may be a defense mechanism. If you are open and calm, she may truly have something to hide.
Self evaluation and introspection may help you tailor your approach and see things from her point of view. If I come at my hubby with accusations, he shuts down immediately, but if I come to him with calm and rational concerns, he sits with me to talk it out. Even with things a mundane as taking out the garbage! My actions directly affect his attitude and his affect mine. It is a balancing act that has taken us years to come up with. Be positive, be firm in your beliefs and be willing to communicate (good or bad things).
Good luck to you. Trying to understand her is a huge step in the right direction!
A month ago we had an abortion, and this was the first time she's opened up with me. She broke down finally after I told her I am walking out the door. We finally talked about things, and she wanted to finish school ect... before I kid. She also said...
She feels like I love her here, say 10/10... and she feels bad she doesnt feel the same. She feels say 8/10 ect....
Ever since this day... we have been getting into small bickering fights. I feel like half of it is being unappreciated for everything I fking do. And half of it is me trying to self destruct.
Everything is snowballing fast.... and I am just soo scared Im about to lose everything.
I feel like shes admited she doesnt truly love me, and I am just that guy who helps her with Bills, rent, cleaning, ect...
She helps me get around, she has a car and I dont. But I still feel it's pretty lob sided
I appreciate all if your responses... thank you for helping, I 'd do the same for you guys. I am on the borderline of making some rash decisions...
My gut just tells me, Why would she leave me, I pay half rent, cook dinnners, do laundry and try very hard to keep shit in order.
I cant blame her though, Shes school full time, and work 30 hours a week. And she does it everyday with no complaints, while taking me to work on her small windows.
I've told her exactly how I felt about the abortion, the parties at work, and especially 6-7 hours of drinking, while going to prettied up.
It's easy to guess, but like I said... She has almost no friends. And She seems like mention that alot and like it?
She loves her family, its a classic family, she has older sister, younger brother, loving parents who do many things together.
Her best friend moved away for school, and then theres me. Of course she came to me, Im an outgoing guy who is funny ect...
I guess somewhere I lost what probably attracted her to me. Now Im this guy who like someone said, gets down on myself too much... and am no longer this funny guy who doesnt worry. I worry... and its slowly killing me, and my relationship.
Hearing her say she doesnt feel the same, and her not being able to talk to me about killing a baby in her stomach, or anything else that bothers me has been getting me soo angry i have been snapping at her lately.
So if I dont let her go... she'll eventually get fed up.
Funny... all I want is someone to be there... and care. SO freakin hard to find these days.
Thanks everyone, once again. I am truly a mess.
You need to step back and concentrate on you.
Plus, saying she loves you on a scale of 8/10 is pretty damn good. That means there is room for her to love you a little more each day. It means that there is room for the relationship to grow. It means that there is a seed of love planted and sprouting, and it just needs to be nurtured.
Pessimism is understandable. You have probably been through alot in your life, but you need to realize that some of the things going on in her life are probably about just her, not at all about you, and you need to step back a little.
Love yourself a 10/10 then feel upset that someone else doesn't. How can you expect anyone to love you more then you do yourself?
I think some key questions were posted here: one being "Do you take her out?" If you can honestly say that you have covered all of your bases: 1) you are non accusatory when you talk to her 2) bring it up in a calm rational manner 3) you are being HONEST with her about YOUR feelings 4) you are receptive to what she is saying to you, then there may be something else going on with her that she is not saying. Could be something as far reached as complete fear of being close to someone. Could be any number of things. If this relationship is worth it, then it would be worth it to dig deeper. Just don't be afraid to hear the answer, keep an open mind and don't be afraid of confrontation. Good luck. Hugs.