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Please Help! Can I survive a vanilla relationship?

xxKattxx
xxKattxx

Hi there, I'm Kat. 22y/o. Sexually, I'm a submissive. 



So I've been in and out of the BDSM lifestyle since I was 16. I'm very open minded and adventurous when it comes to sex, and I love being dominated! But here's the problem.. My bf was very inexperienced sexually when we started dating. Everything else about our relationship is literally perfect, but when it comes to sex it's just so blah.



Over the past 3 years I have gotten him to try some new things, but he doesn't have a natural tendency towards being dominant, or anything kinky! It's been very difficult for me to continue in a relationship with such a vanilla sex life. Every time I mention trying new things or the fact that I'm not 100% satisfied, he gets very defensive and makes it seem like I'm asking too much of him. I always leave the conversation questioning if what I want is impossible, and wondering if I'm the one to blame for my own unhappiness because I'm expecting too much. Sometimes he even makes me feel as if the things I like are just sooo weird that it makes me uncomfortable in my own skin, like my sexuality is something that I shouldn't be so open about. But in the end he usually agrees to put some work into it and try new things, which lasts a day or two. Then it's right back to vanilla.. 



I feel like breaking up with him only because of different sexual preferences is kind of shallow, especially when everything else is amazing. But I really don't know if I can do this much longer. Despite how hard I've tried to be happy in a kink-less relationship I still fantasize about it. I'll admit that I've considered cheating but have never gone through with it. 



Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'd really appreciate hearing about your experience and how it worked out in the end.



Or does anyone have any advice in general? I could really use it. 




Thank you for your help!!


Kat xoxo

rmb
rmb
I think people need to be compatible in all areas of their relationship. If you're not enjoying the sex, what's the point. He feels like he's not enough for you and you feel dissatisfied. So how is that a good thing for either one of you. Anyone would be defensive if they felt like their partner wasn't happy with their performance.

We're all responsible for our own happiness. If you put your happiness on someone else, then you'll always be disappointed.
forestfreek
forestfreek
I guess you have to decide what your top desired qualities in a relationship/partner are. You say everything else is "amazing" in the relationship. So - do you want to take up with another partner that's hot in bed but doesn't fulfill your other expectations in other areas of a relationship? You are going to have to reconcile yourself with the fact that no one is perfect. Accepting awesome qualities in one area of a partner may mean that you accept some fallacies in other areas of their personality. What's THE most important thing to you?
You say your current guy is at least willing to try and get pumped up for the stuff you're into so that's a good thing. However, you're still dissatisfied. So, if, good sex is your #1 desired trait, then I guess you need to find someone else. I think you're young and probably should experience some other relationships before you decide what it is you think you want in a partner. I don't mean that condescendingly - I just think 22 (and if you've been with him for 3 years........) is really young to tie yourself down to someone. Especially if you're the adventurous type;)
koolman
koolman
Yes, if I can survive no relationship at all, except with my hand and internet porn, you can survive a "vanilla" relationship! If you don't want to totally trash this relationship that otherwise is amazing, have you tried watching others get their BDSM freak on in porn, to indulge your inner fantasies just in your mind? If so, does watching it do anything for you?
klm747
klm747
I am in the same boat as you. My guy is great, but the sex leaves a lot to be desired. At least yours is trying. How long have you guys been together? Do you feel solid enough in your relationship that you can breach the subject of a semi open relationship - one that just caters to your physical needs? Sorry to disagree with koolman, but some of us are just so much more sexual than the rest. Porn and masturbation can't cut it. I watch an abnormal amount of porn - gay, straight, kink, fetish, animation, erotic stories, taboo themes, ect. I've masturbated until my junk was raw/ bruised, all in the effort to stop myself from cheating. I'm not saying that you should cheat, but sometimes, you Just need some good D, and there are plenty of guys out there who can lay down pipe how we like it. That brings me to my next point. Like forestfreek said, you are so young. You have so much time to find someone more compatible. I think you are not giving yourself a chance to find an even greater happiness. If you are a 10 on the sex freak scale, own that shit! Don't ever be ashamed. All we want is toe-curling mind-blowing, eyes roll to the back of the head, can't speak coherent words kind of sex. That is NOT too much to ask. Good luck to you.
rmb
rmb
There's no such thing as a semi open relationship. It's either open or it's not.

Cheating is the gutless move. F**k whoever and whatever you want but don't leave others in your wake in the process. Your sexual liberation should not be at the expense of being a decent human being. In other words, just don't be a dick. .
forestfreek
forestfreek
Amen to that rmb.
I didn't even touch on that point in my comment but you sure said it as well as it could be said.
soulsearcher83
soulsearcher83
I did the kink scene for a few years and found that it wasn't all that much for me. I was just trying to mask my own pain by using it as a distraction. Looking for a way to feel wanted from men . But even before my experiments, I was with some awfully boring men sexually and intellectually. Sexually boring, I can work with. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime etc. Okay I find it weird that I just quoted Jesus in this post but my point is that for me, if he's teachable in the bedroom he's a keeper. But if you can't satisfy me intellectually he's got to go. However I'm 10 years older than you. I'm looking for different things. You're feeling sexually experimental which is totally normal for somebody her age. I would have an honest discussion about it with him. And make sure you sound like you're not trying to critique him you just trying to express what you feel you need. His reaction to the conversation will tell you what you need to do. And you may be putting too much on him. He's a young guy close to your age? He doesn't have the experience of beginning this kind of thing since he was 16 like you do. It all depends on how patient you feel like being at this point. Give him a chance, have an honest conversation, and don't forget to ask him what he is looking for sexually out of the relationship. You're not soloing this. He may have different priorities and preferences and may have some limits that you're pushing for him.
Aronia
Aronia
I am in a reverse situation, however we have great sex without all the bells and whistles already.
He wants more kink. I don't need it and could be happy without it forever.
Bottom line is: because we care about each other's well being on many levels, we are willing to compromise. He is not pushing me hard and not making me feel like being vanilla me is just not enough, and I am paying attention to his requests and making an effort. I'm flexible enough to play.
We kind of take turns on how things go - on some occasions he caters to my preferences and on others, I do to his .
Maybe this is the true test of how solid your relationship is - being able to satisfy each other's needs without changing who you are as individuals.
Long term I think , if you can't find a good balance in this aspect, it is likely it will not work out because you both will become dissatisfied and resentful.
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