Healthy Relationships Support Group

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New here, looking for hope and support.

Grace7656
Grace7656


I'm currently separated from my husband of 6 years,  together for almost 11. We have one child . 



Things were rough for the past couple years.  Poor communication and lack of work on the marriage on both parts. 



Almost a year ago I had an emotional affair ,  it lasted for only a couple months. And I felt that I was done with my marriage.  I told my husband I wanted a divorce and that I was in love with someone else. His reaction was not what I expected.  I truly expected him to say it was what he wanted too .  I was shocked. 



We agreed that we wanted to stay together and work on the marriage,  but I still felt reluctant in the first month or 2, just due to past issues.  He tried,  suggested counseling (we went a couple times, I should have kept going but we didn't. )did some other nice things for me. But I still felt like he was not hearing me. I avoided talking about hard issues because I didn't know what to say. I guess I just felt like I wanted him to take the lead on some things. Saying that it just sounds stupid. 



We did try doing things together but also started doing things apart. 



We then agreed maybe separation was the next best move. We were still caring towards each other saying I love you once in awhile. From his actions and our conversations I  thought this would be a fresh start for us. Going on dates,  counseling. 



The week that I moved out I notice a chance in him and he tells me he doesn't know if he will ever want to work on the relationship again. He's too hurt, drained,  etc..He feels like I left him alone and didn't try enough. 



I'm devastated. I realize all the things that I could have done and didn't.  This month has been a guilt and shame spiral . 



I've started reading every book I can,  apologizing to him (long emails,  conversations ), his family. He's not sure if he can do counseling any time soon and he wants space . 



He's also told me that he has been talking to a girl at work. I've tried telling him that I don't think it's a good idea. As I know myself it made me focus all my feelings in the wrong directions . 


I feel good about the fact that I have said everything I could possibly say. I can see a difference in myself and in turn I have been able to fully communicate why I felt the way I did. I apologized throughout the year and have asked for forgiveness many times. 
He is a great person and I do believe he forgives me, it was the shut down way I acted afterwards that hurt him the most. 
I feel we have talked more honestly these past couple months than we have in years. 
His family is supportive of us working it out. So I hope that helps.



Is there any hope?

yellowly
yellowly
Let him know how you really feel. Then let him be and give him the space
Grace7656
Grace7656
I feel good about the fact that I have said everything I could possibly say. I can see a difference in myself and in turn I have been able to fully communicate why I felt the way I did. I apologized throughout the year and have asked for forgiveness many times.
He is a great person and I do believe he forgives me, it was the shut down way I acted afterwards that hurt him the most.
I feel we have talked more honestly these past couple months than we have in years.
His family is supportive of us working it out. So I hope that helps.
koolman
koolman
Sounds like an amicable divorce, where you both can remain friends but are free to begin new relationships with other people, is the hope.
Grace7656
Grace7656
He says that he doesn't know if he wants the relationship "right now". I don't know if that should give me hope or leave me hopeless.
ScarletAngel13
ScarletAngel13
Funny, you were the one who stepped out the of marriage first (with an emotional affair), and when you 'fessed up, you expected to find that your husband had also left the marriage. Surprise - he actually wanted to work on the relationship and your "heart wasn't in it". And now you seem to blame him for "not taking the lead". YOU have been calling the shots in all of this. Now it is his time to call the shots, give him the time and space he needs.
Grace7656
Grace7656
Sorry, I misspoke. My heart was definitely in it.
We sat and talked about what we needed from each other or what we were not giving each other. My biggest thing was that I didn't feel like a team. I never felt like he had my back. After I told him that her proceeded to tell almost everyone we know about the lowest point of my life.
I told my family and very close friends what happened and I understood that he needed to do the same. I understood that. What I didn't understand was why every coworker, every casual friend had to know.
I'm not asking for pity here. I truly understand that if I had made different choices I wouldn't be here and I hurt him very much.
I'm just looking for advice.
rmb
rmb
I think people's feelings are not linear, and they sure aren't always in step with our partners feelings, that's for sure. He's working through stuff, on his own terms, in his own way. I think you kind of have to let him do that, although at some point, when it's getting to where you're apart and living separate lives, it's completely reasonable say, what are we doing, are we together or are we not. I think you harbor more resentment toward him and him towards you than you both are letting on. Take this time to focus on yourself, see a therapist if you're not already doing so, just for you, so you can get clear on whether you really want to be with him, or if him pulling away is making you now want to be with him.
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