Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Greetings,
I am having an issue with my bisexual partner of apprx. 2 years. She spends a lot of time with her mother, caring for her as she lives 10 minutes away from her parents and 45 minutes away from me. She also spends a great deal of time (every day) with her dog - a beagle who is sweet, but untrained and spoiled. I feel like I'm not asking for a lot, but I want some of her time in the evening since we both work opposite schedules and by the time I get off work (2nd shift part-time), I am wired while she is tired from working (1st shift full-time) and gets crabby as she wants peace and quiet to read and then go to bed, so now we aren't even talking on the phone in the evening. I have explained to her that I feel slighted because everyone else seems to get a piece of her including her dog, but not me. Many times, she sees her mom 3-5 days per week and of course, her dog 7 days per week. She and I only get to see each other once per week and if I'm lucky, two days. When I expressed my feelings, she said that this was all that she could give to me given her familial, professional, and domestic responsibilities. WTF?!?! Really???
I feel completely unimportant to her as she is giving most of her energy to work, family, and her dog. Meanwhile, I'm giving 200% of myself to her, where she doesn't have to share me the way that I have to share her and I'm just her sloppy seconds, getting the crumbs left over from her day as she's given her energy to those who matter to her most - her mother and her dog. I've been feeling this way for several months and we even broke up in December on unrelated issues before I could have a conversation with her about her obsession with her dog and mother. She doesn't feel that I'm treating her kindly because I've been very distant and short with her, but I don't know what else to do besides go off on her and I really don't want to do that. My patience are running thin. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I should handle this situation? I am deeply in love with her. I recently gave her a promise ring to show that I will never break up with her again causing her heartbreak (unless she violates one of my dealbreakers). What should I do? I would like to have a healthy relationship as I love her dearly and don't want to lose her again, but I'm feeling very slighted. Thanks bunches!
I am having an issue with my bisexual partner of apprx. 2 years. She spends a lot of time with her mother, caring for her as she lives 10 minutes away from her parents and 45 minutes away from me. She also spends a great deal of time (every day) with her dog - a beagle who is sweet, but untrained and spoiled. I feel like I'm not asking for a lot, but I want some of her time in the evening since we both work opposite schedules and by the time I get off work (2nd shift part-time), I am wired while she is tired from working (1st shift full-time) and gets crabby as she wants peace and quiet to read and then go to bed, so now we aren't even talking on the phone in the evening. I have explained to her that I feel slighted because everyone else seems to get a piece of her including her dog, but not me. Many times, she sees her mom 3-5 days per week and of course, her dog 7 days per week. She and I only get to see each other once per week and if I'm lucky, two days. When I expressed my feelings, she said that this was all that she could give to me given her familial, professional, and domestic responsibilities. WTF?!?! Really???
I feel completely unimportant to her as she is giving most of her energy to work, family, and her dog. Meanwhile, I'm giving 200% of myself to her, where she doesn't have to share me the way that I have to share her and I'm just her sloppy seconds, getting the crumbs left over from her day as she's given her energy to those who matter to her most - her mother and her dog. I've been feeling this way for several months and we even broke up in December on unrelated issues before I could have a conversation with her about her obsession with her dog and mother. She doesn't feel that I'm treating her kindly because I've been very distant and short with her, but I don't know what else to do besides go off on her and I really don't want to do that. My patience are running thin. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I should handle this situation? I am deeply in love with her. I recently gave her a promise ring to show that I will never break up with her again causing her heartbreak (unless she violates one of my dealbreakers). What should I do? I would like to have a healthy relationship as I love her dearly and don't want to lose her again, but I'm feeling very slighted. Thanks bunches!
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The weeks seem to fly by!Happy Saturday to everyoneI hope that the weekend brings some chill time and barbecuesDoes it take others what seems like forever to add a comment on the boards?I'm okay everywhere else except boards..Everywhere else adds normally but it's annoyingly slow!Have a great Saturday and do something nice for you!!Big hug...xo
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I'm feeling down,, and got alot on my mind right now. I got grief going on, on top my depression and anxiety and now I got to worry about somewhere to live since I can't afford living here since my mom passed. So many bad things have happened since my mom passed. One thing after another it seems. Yesterday our fence fell from a storm that hit, had to call someone to prop it up. Thank...
You guys live 45 minutes apart and work different shifts. I think you have to concede that's going to hamper time spent together.
To me, it's simple: leave and find someone whose work/life balance aligns with yours, or stay but start putting some of that 200% into other things, like friends, hobbies, etc.
It sounds like this is all your partner can give right now.
If this does not sit well with you maybe you should move on.
Take these suggestions with a grain of salt because I don't feel like I have the whole picture...but does she have any suggestions on how to spend more time together? Would it be possible for you to talk in the morning before she goes to work so she is less tired? or on her lunch breaks? Heck, she could call you while she is walking the dog. You could use LDR tricks, like actually writing to each other or sending packages. Emails and texts are a better form of communication than nothing. I've have some of my best relationship conversations through text, believe it or not.
Keep trying different things to see if anything works. If this is a viable relationship, I'd think you would be looking for a job or a place closer to her, that would change the dynamic. Is there anyway you could pitch in to help with her mom?
And by the way, you are completely justified in feeling slighted and brushed off. And that's your gfs fault, but it doesn't sound like she is doing it maliciously.
Sometimes in relationships, things are unbalanced. But it's up to you to decide if things are unfairly or permanently imbalanced, and what you are willing to do to change that.
My intension is not to offend you, but what you're describing here sounds needy and unrealistic. Were you aware of her responsibilities to her mother and dog, as well as her work schedule, when you decided to get serious?
Even if her situation changed, where she now needed to help her mother (and 3-5 times per week isn't a lot if she's elderly), isn't it a good thing that she's being responsible and caring? Same goes for the dog, who else is going to look after him? Dogs rely on their guardian for everything, and need looking after 8 days a week.
It's not like we're talking a friend that she's spending time with, we're talking her mother here, and her dog, the two beings that trump any other relationship. In my world, husbands and partners take a backseat to mothers and dogs. Husbands and partners can help themselves, elderly mothers and dogs, cannot, and rely heavily on caregivers. In my world, husbands and partners who cannot understand this concept, and gladly offer support in any way they can, often do not make good partners and spouses.
The ringtone of this promise ring, "unless she violates one of my deal breakers," doesn't sound promising. Perhaps you didn't mean it in anyway, but it sounds controlling. Maybe look at it from her shoes, if you had her responsibilities, what would you do?
I wish you well.
So you have a few choices - adjust your expectations down to a more reasonable level, or move on.
Frankly - if I were you - I'd take the hint. You're not a priority for her. You're an option.........and you know what they say about options.......
My advice, just talk to her about this over dinner and express how you really feel and sometimes it helps to just enjoy the moments you already share together.
does she wear yours?
she is your whole world
you are a piece of hers
it does not seem that she has an interest in changing that from her side
I cared for both of my parents full time for the last few years of their lives and I literally didn't have any social life and I'm not exaggerating
I went out 2 hours twice a week when a person support worker gave me some relief to run errands and that was it
I don't know that you will get your needs fulfilled in this relationship ..Big hug and a blessing ...xo