Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Aronia 09/21/2016

For those of you who don't know my story -

i recently broke up with a fiance who is a sociopath.

I left with little things. He has me as a co-signer on his home loan and his vehicles. We are in a process of getting me off the mortgage, which I am sure he doesn't want to happen. My credit is suffering , I am determined to make it happen.

So, he has a new GF ( of course) and I have moved on as well, however he texts me on and off and we are in touch because of finances.

One day I came over to pick up my mail and he told me that he wants to give me a TV and a sound bar and today he told me that he bought me a new set of pots ( because I am moving into a new space )

I am trying to figure out what he wants from me. WHY he is being so super wonderful. When I was in love with him, he could work me any way he wanted, but now that I am free, this no longer works.

So, what does he want from me?

is it sex? Is it to keep me financially strangled by his debt? What can he possibly want?

The other thing is - he knows that I am in the middle of a law suit and waiting for settlement.

I am afraid he wants to manipulate me in some way with that.

A part of me wants to take all the things he is offering because I sustained serious financial damages while being in a relationship with him and I am still struggling hard.

The other part of me wants nothing to do with his gifts because I feel like it is yet more manipulation and if my new boyfriend learns about it, I am sure he will be really pissed off or upset.

Should I even tell my BF about this? He knows about my debt situation with my ex, but he doesn't know that he is buttering me up.

rmb 09/23/2016

You're in a such a tough spot, Aronia. It's not going to be like this forever, which is the one good thing about most shitty situations.

MendingAgain 09/26/2016

Well it does sound like buttering up to me and manipulation, what is he offering, I'm wondering if the settlement is his way of asking you to buy out his half of the house, I mean could you do that? Would you want to do that? I wouldn't mention it to boyfriend, although sometimes I think men are really good at these kind of problems, because they are just wired different, in their thought process, and you do want to talk to someone you trust, but it could open an ugly can of worms, and make him suspicious of why are you talking to your ex? Is just a little of what I have learned about being in relationships with men, but I digress, there is no way, if you broke up that all of a sudden he is being nice because he wants to be? Yea I would question that, and me, I would probably be playing the game, just be careful. Give him what he wants to hear, and then move on, string it along as long as you can, to get what you need. I understand the financial, I just got out too moved back in with mom back in July and trying to get out of debt, but I keep seeming to find new debt, but it'll take as long as it takes, I'm not busting my hump over it, I am enjoying my life as well. Take care.

GoodKarma 09/26/2016

Aronia, sorry to hear what you're going through. My opinion, take what he gives you.

Seems to me like it's guilt gifts and if he's going to give them take them freely and do not feel obligated to give anything in return, this includes your loyalty.
The fact is that you do have feelings for him and he obviously had feelings for you. Those feelings are love are not easy to just walk away from.
Maybe it's his way of dealing with his mourning. I believe that whenever we lose someone that we were attached to we mourn. And everyone mourns in different ways.
Keep you head up Aronia; regarding your feeling like it's the "wrong thing" to accept the gifts; I don't see it that way.
And your new boyfriend? Tell him what's going on. Your starting a new relationship and you definitely want to start it off with and build it upon trust. 100% truth. Because at the end of the day even if someone gets upset with the truth and doesn't like it; it is still the truth. They either accept it or die mad!

Aronia 09/26/2016

My ex Fiancé ... I have no more feelings for him. He squeezed me dry emotionally and financially. My therapist and I both agree that he is a sociopath. He is incapable of love, so these gifts are usually with intent, not feelings.
He has a girlfriend, but he is insinuating that he wants to come over to my place and " set up a TV" . I am sure this is what he was doing to me too when we were together. So familiar.
I took the pots and I am very happy with them.

RunningYoga 09/26/2016

Politely refuse all those gifts and move on with your life. With no strings attached.

Misred 09/27/2016

I'm guessing he wants to keep tabs on you. He could also be using this to show new GF that you two are on friendly terms. Either to feel good about himself or make her jealous. At least that is what my EX would do.

As far as your possible settlement, keep that to yourself. You don't know what will happen with it and it's really no ones business.

OTM64 09/27/2016

I have not been on in awhile and did not know this was going on. He seems to have something up his sleeve, but you owe him nothing.

sunnyjax 10/05/2016

It sounds to me like classic hoovering.
My ex did the same. Its mind games, dont fall for it.

JeanaRose 10/16/2016

Do whatever it takes to keep the relationship to a minimum, you two are no longer partners in life. Don't overthink it.

Aronia 10/18/2016

I took everything he gave me and didn't fall for his trickery.
Done deal.

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