Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I’m having a hard time getting over someone that I have fallen for over the past 9 months. What bothers me is that it’s someone who is insulting when he is angry (i.e. name calling or negative), which I don’t take personally as I get that it’s more about him managing his anger than about me. On paper, this wouldn’t even be someone I’d give a second glance at in this respect , however, there is a strong connection with this man. I’ve never met anyone like him, in this regard and in positive areas too… He is very ambitious and determined regarding his goals etc. as I am, and also like myself he has a strong personality – confident in his abilities, determined, has great ideas, etc.
However, while in the relationship, he often would talk about things I can do for him, versus the other way around. Having said this, I’ve also never met anyone with the interest and motivation to try and change his behaviors the way he does. During the last time we were together things were improving – he really seemed to be trying to improve in areas of concern to me. But when he gets upset, he can be mean at times and blaming etc.
When we were recently together, he also restrained his daughter to the point of her crying (another post), which led me to leave and talk to his ex-girlfriend about it.
My challenge is getting over this man that I feel so bonded with (and I know he does me). I can’t imagine getting back together with someone who I went behind his back when we were apart and talked to his ex-girlfriend about his behavior with his daughter. .. I would never be able to tell him about that.
I’m trying to date online, however, that takes time at 49. And living in a remote spot in a small town with a 10 year old makes it hard to have a social life as well. Add to the fact that I work mostly from home too. So, loneliness might also be a factor with how I feel at the moment.
Anyhow, although I managed to keep my phone off all day yesterday till this morning after he texted me “good morning” (and avoiding responding to the two other texts that followed), today I’m feeling that pull to him…and I’m not proud to admit it.
Has anyone gone through this before? I’m feeling confused and lonely and unsure about what to do…and feel foolish even admitting it, seeing as the obvious answer to many people would be to move on.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Feeling bonded to someone doesn't mean a relationship was good or healthy. I mean, abused women feel bonded to their abusers; people who are abducted can feel bonded to their abductor.
He sounds more like a project vs a fully formed mature adult man.
Dating is was hard when so was in my 30s. I can't imagine how hard it would be in my 40s so I feel for you. Maybe join some social groups where you meet all kinds of people. That could at least get you out there where you can make friends and sort of build a network.
I guess it's the old adage, "breaking up is hard to do" as well, regardless of the situation.
I have to cut my losses now anyhow, as he knows that I called the mom about his daughter ("restraining" from previous post).
I look forward to moving forward, as challenging as it is at the moment, and to hopefully look back on this as a distant thing. Feels like a big mess now, and nothing like I've ever been in before. It sucks.
The guy you are describing really resembles a narcissist with an anger problem. I don't feel good about throwing out psychiatric diagnoses without actually having a degree in psychiatry, but this type of men are usually very attractive and abusive at the same time . The hurt you, then they love you just as intensely, except it is not really love. They are basically looking at their own reflection in the mirror while they are with you.
Don't let him suck you back in.
It is not okay to call you names, to be aggressive ...
And some of what you mention describes him.... Anger problem, yes (including hurtful when he is). And when he has tried to get back together, it is intense and I feel I get suck back in at times. And yes, much of what he does seems a reflection on him and how things make him look. It's confusing really, as he says he cares about how I feel about things etc and has seemed to make a real effort at times to do or say things important to me, but a lot of what he does or wants (including me) is about how it makes him look.
And regarding sexual things...he hasn't discussed play-rape, but likes to butt slap and slightly pull hair - although I've made it clear I don't like those things, which he respects.