Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Lolita_Lynn 02/02/2018

To make a long story as short as possible, my boryfriend and I have been together for 16 years. Marriage talk started about 4 years in mainly from me while he had a lot of excuses why we weren't ready for marriage. His parent's had a violent relationship and I accepted that his example of marriage was different from mine. So I gave him time, every so often I would bring up marriage again being we chose not to have children I felt like we were stuck in the same place with no movement forward. We live together and in my mind, he gets the benefit of marriage without the actual commitment.

Speed through more years together and I lost my mom to cancer in 2008. Now, I've lost my dad in 2017. The idea of marriage has lost its luster for me because I will never have the wedding I always envisioned. I will not have my mom there to help pick out the dress and my dad will not walk me down the aisle. Now, being 37 years old, marriage seems to be slipping away from me and I resigned myself to not being married and for the last few years I haven't brought it back up. On our 16th anniversary dinner, he says "Why aren't we married because I would love to be married to you." These are words I waited to hear for a decade and you would think I would be elated however my mind has only gone to a dark place. A place where I have wanted to be married but he always had a reason not to be, now after all these years, all these pounds, all these wrinkles, all these gray hairs later he ask me why aren't we married? I lost my parents and it sucks that I could have had the wedding of my dreams had I just not waited.

Should I be feeling this? I'm conflicted on whether or not I should have a very frank talk with him about it. I know my truth is we are not married because he didn't want to be. Now it seems he's ready but I'm starting not to see the point. Opinions please.

Ghostwolf04 02/02/2018

I would feel the same you do. It's very sad. I'm only 27 and I don't see myself ever being married. I've gained weight, lost the man I thought I would marry, and my dad passed away 12 years ago. I struggle to see the point in spending money on a wedding where only my boyfriend's deadbeat friends that I don't like will be there. I have no one to be in the wedding, and probably not more than 10 guests. Weddings aren't everything. Find a way to be a princess in other ways I guess. I don't think u should marry at this point, maybe go on an expensive vacation instead.

Cora_Belle 02/02/2018

Do you want to be married? Or do you want a wedding?

If you want to married, all that is required is that you get a marriage license and officiant to perform the marriage ceremony.

If you want a wedding (you know, the big, expensive party to celebrate a marriage), I suppose you can start looking for a dress, a wedding venue, caterer, florist, etc, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

Remember, a wedding is just a day, a marriage is a lifetime together. Decide which one you want to then go for it.

jojored 02/02/2018

I wouldn't speculate too much or give much weight to his sudden question as to why you're not married. Talk is cheap and easy, he could have meant it or he could have been trying to placate you. Absolutely have that talk with him.

Lolita_Lynn 02/02/2018

Yes a marriage is building a life together but I feel like we've already done that. My issue now is I can't seem to get past this feeling that I've lost my interest in a wedding an a marriage because of time. We've spent 16 years building a life together and now he's ready to "take the next step" when I was ready years ago.

Gutted 02/02/2018

I think it's easy to underestimate the psychological baggage a person carries around in their head after seeing their father abuse their mother as a small child. I would honestly take it as a compliment that he didn't want to repeat that pattern so badly he refused to marry you. It was his way of protecting you in his own head. So what if it took him 16 years to really get past all that and trust that he could be married without repeating the pattern. Clearly you two love each other and he finally got the the point that the love you share enabled him to overcome his past. I call that a win any way you look at it.

Rather than focusing on the magical moment of walking down the aisle with your father and picking out a dress with your mother, you could put the focus of getting married where it should be, which is of course on the man you love. As someone who had a fancy wedding, I can tell you that it was more stress than it was worth. My poor father was a nervous wreck and my mother was annoyed with everyone. Wedding rarely measure up to the fantasy in your mind. If I had to do over, I would have eloped, because being a wife is the worthier part.

PS: He might be worried that you need more security now that you parents are no longer around. This might be him stepping up for you in ways you don't even understand.

11Christmases 02/03/2018

I can understand preferring to be a young bride, and wanting your parents there, but 37 is still young! I felt my best at that age. You can still have a big day and look beautiful with friends and family there - and none of us know how much time we have left. It is up to you whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him or not. If you do, I'd bring it up and ask him why he suddenly seems willing - what changed for him? Does he regret now, not giving you what you wanted, and wants to make up for that, before it's too late? Other than not wanting to marry sooner, has he been supportive to you in every other way? Or are there other ways he puts his needs first?

rmb 02/03/2018

I think in all relationships, both people evolve and change during the entire relationship. Sometimes you feel one way, sometimes you feel another. And sometimes you just aren’t on the same page. We gain so much insight and perspective over time. Thank goodness we do.

You sound like you may still be grieving over your losses, so maybe let me bat unfold and before you decide what you don’t want or want.

Lolita_Lynn 07/24/2018

I thank everyone for your input.

koolman 07/24/2018

I just want to add: After 16 years, you guys ARE married. It may not be officially legal on paper and you didn't have a wedding, but you know each other inside and out, are comfortable.

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