I think awareness is the first step. Awareness that our perceptions about how we think things "SHOULD" work in this world of ours, might not be the truth for others or even the best truth for ourselves.

I feel that most of the time I find myself in drams is bottom line, ME trying to control another.. Or them trying to control me and I would fight back, which was unnecessary. Boundaries can be put in place in a calm and fair respectful way. Setting them may require us to be brave though.. so that might be a hurdle in certain situations.

I ask myself some questions when I'm faced with relationship conflict.


1. Am I treating others the way I want to be treated.

2. Am I being treated the way I would want my daughter to be treated?

3. Am I choosing the same course of action I would choose if I were a person living all on my own. ( I'm not saying we shouldn't ever let someone share the burdens, but it's much better to come from a place of appreciation than expectation )

One of my biggest hurdles is feeling anger when somebody says something I view as an insult. I have to remind myself over and over again that what a person says is about them ( another Four Agreements tip) I remain unchanged.

It's not an easy process. but it's an improvement just being open to having another perception. Then it's just like anything else, practice.

Awareness is the doorway to the possibility of serenity.

Awareness from the perspective of that which does not change. Not thoughts or emotions or sensations or sights or sounds or smells or tastes.

The simple awareness of being. The observer/witness perspective. Consciousness. The Hard Problem.

For me, seeing the practical application of the change of thinking that helps me change my thinking. Yes, seeing peace and serenity result because of me controlling my reactive mind is one example. I don't HAVE to react one way or the other to anything, merely process and contemplate.

Maybe stillness, remaining un-changed, is the answer! Only proceed in a direction when there's a perceived benefit.

I find that taking the time and giving myself the space to become keenly aware of who I am and what really makes me happy deep inside, and also aware of what I don't like, is vital.
This provides me with the awareness of what needs to be worked on, and then it is by trial and error that I can explore different ways of looking at things and doing things until I find a new level of serenity with that specific issue. I can then move on to focus on the next, until slowly but surely I am finding myself more at peace with myself and with the world around me.
It is proving to be worth the effort.

Sometimes someone or something has to hit hard enough to strike a nerve.

If you toss a pebble into a pond and the surface is wind-blown and full of small waves, you won't see the ripples from the pebble. However if there's no wind and the pond's surface is like a mirror you'll see every last ripple, including the ones that reflect off the shore and head back out.

Another way to think about it is signal to noise ratio. If there's too much noise it's difficult to perceive the signal.

As Shasta put it in another thread 'the space between stimulus and response'. Is that space filled with waves or noise or is it tranquil? Which state is more conducive to perception and reaction?

'Sometimes someone or something has to hit hard enough to strike a nerve'

Yeah, I had a doubleheader of something in 2008 and someone in 2010 that changed everything. As horrible as both were, they turned out to be blessings in disguise.

'the space between stimulus and response': I really like that, Shasta, and am becoming more keenly aware of that space.

I've posted this link before, but I think it's worth posting again in this thread. It's rather long (about 1.25 hours) but I find it fascinating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TeWvf-nfpA

I do so by forming a habit! It takes approximately 3 weeks of doing the same thing every day, to make a habit!

Here's a practical way to conceptualize the space between stimulus and response:

http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/sound_files/pod15-free-will.mp3

I turn to those whom have been there done that. Change of any kind is easier said than done, particularly so when the subject matter is love.

In order to become better at being a loving person one must have some prior life experience to count on, and if unable to then it is over to the experts.

There are more unloving or lovable people in the world than loving people, and their are more unloving or lovable males in the world than females, and a prime reason I have found that to be is because moms refuse to let go of their sons, and their sons react accordingly, they know no other way than to.

Question: Has anyone experienced lucid dreaming?

I think it's pertinent to awareness because in essence it's actionable awareness while unconscious. More to the point, we have all sorts of stuff going on in the subconscious while awake and I'm intrigued by the possibility of training awareness to a degree where the subconscious might be more directly perceived.

This has the potential to enhance the quality of experience and a result in a more healthy relationship with being.

I got this idea while watching a presentation by Evan Thompson on his book "Waking, Dreaming, Being".

Change is hard because the choices we make, and keep making, usually have to do with unresolved issues from the past. We usually are unaware of what our behavior is really about and keep trying to do the same thing hoping for a different outcome. First we have to know why we do what we do, then try and find a better way to meet the need. Still, it is hard to try something new. We usually keep trying the same thing over and over, even with the insight of looking inward as to why.

I find being able to calm the mind and being aware of all the clutter that it generates goes a long way towards allowing one to have more control over one's perceptions, actions and reactions.

That's the first and very big step to breaking out of undesirable patterns and cycles.