Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hello, I am posting this here because there was an incident I had with my boyfriend 3 months into our relationship (we have now been together for about one year) and I am having trouble moving past it. Here is the situation:
We were heading up to my room one night to go to bed, and he asked if I wanted to have sex. For the first time since we started dating, I actually didnt feel in the mood, partially because I was just very tired and only wanted to cuddle. I explained this to him, but for the next hour or so, he kept asking over and over. He said things to me like, "I've been waiting all weekend to have sex, and we finally have the chance now," "We can just do missionary for me to finish real quick," "I'm so horny, I just don't want to do anything else." And I even told him I could give him a hand-job if he absolutely needed something, or that I was totally fine with him masturbating to get rid of the tension. I tried to cuddle and suggest other things we could do, but he still said he wasn't interested and was very visibly upset. We finally got to cuddling and he started touching me below the belt, which I made obvious I was OKAY with, but I still wasn't in the mood for sex. He then asked if we could now, and I told him I still wasn't really in the mood. He then stopped touching me immediately and turned away from me. I tried to make him feel loved and convince him we would definitely do something the next day, but he said he didn't want to do something the next day in a pretty rude tone. I finally got him to turn back to me, and we started cuddling again. At this point I was just very confused why he was treating me like this, because up until this day, I had always felt safe and respected with him, but he was acting like a jerk. However, I was just happy for him to stop badgering me and cuddle. But in a few minutes, he went back to trying to convince me to have sex, and I finally decided to tell him, in the most polite way I could, that I didnt like feeling pressured. Then he turned away from me again, and long story short, for the next few hours, I comforted him as he was crying. I felt like this must mean he felt super awful about his behavior, but then he told me that he didnt actually see how he was pressuring me. After I explained it, he said he was very sorry, but "at least it wasnt really bad, like, trying to force you." I told him it was still disrespectful and I felt like he didint care about my boundaries, and he eventually seemed to understand. He has apologized over and over for his behavior that night since then, and he hasnt done anything like it since. We've talked about it numerous times, and he said that he "doesnt know why he did it" and that it is probably because he was just really horny.
I forgive him completely, and I know he didnt have any bad intentions when it happened. If he were to do anything like it now, I would not be so patient with him, or probably patient at all. My issue is that ever since it happened, I have had guilt and fears surrounding his behavior. I always fear that he doesnt really care about me or my pleasure, or that he is sexist and sees me as an object. Ive been trying to work on these fears as much as possible but I dont know what to do. Every time I have sex with him I feel guilt and shame, with my anxiety telling me things like "you just gave him what he wanted" in a bad way, like he didnt deserve it.
Any time he does anything small that could even POSSIBLY suggest he is being selfish or not respecting me, I feel so upset at him. I just dont know what to do :( He is a great partner and I just want to feel safe with him again. It's not even like he ACTUALLY convinced me to do something I didnt want to do, so I dont know why my anxiety about it is so bad. And I know that these fears came from that event specifically because I definitely did not have any of them beforehand.
If someone has any advice for moving on from that, it would be really appreciated :)
UPDATE: I think some people were kind of confused about some things. Im sorry for not making it more clear. First of all, we did not actually end up having sex, after I told him that I didnt like feelings pressured, he broke down and stopped asking. Also, I was not pressuring him to cuddle, in fact, he told me that he at least wanted to cuddle if we couldnt do anything else. So when I say that I kept trying to cuddle him, it was because he asked to, and I knew that he would probably get even more upset if we didint do that either. And when he turned over, it wasnt to go to sleep, it was because he didnt want to talk to me, he said as such afterward. I allowed him to take a break from talking to me of course, but then he would get mad when I wouldnt try to talk to him anyway. It was a very confusing situation to be in. Also, yes, I do believe it is because he is young and immature, which is why I am not mad at him anymore. However, I havent been able to feel comfortable with/sure enough of him since then, which is what I would like advice on, if anyone has any advice. I love the man, and I know he loves me and would never act that way again, but I just cant get over the fears and skepticism I have now. Please help :(
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
So we can't hide our true emotions from ourselves for long. We bury them and they come out as depression, anxiety, substance abuse sometimes, and on and on.
So you have to look at this relationship with objectivity and honesty. Start to really listen to him and observe him. Our partners do sometimes have sexual needs and some may not be mature enough to repress them. But others are all about themselves and don't care about our feelings. You have to asses him and your situation. Sometimes we are not interested but we are agreeable simply to make our partner happy. Sometimes we stick with our no.
List out all his bad qualities and be real. I buried so much about my first husband, all his lack of good character issues, and when he was lying but I took it as truth, and his neglect of the family. And his telling me how I wasn't meeting HIS needs all the time. Big red flag that my needs were said to be wrong and only his needs were to be honored.
I think your anxiety is your wise mind or your gut instinct coming through. Listen to it. The fears come from having said no and then acquiescing when the pressure was applied and demands were made. The fear may be that you know what he is capable of and it might be that you are afraid you really won't love yourself first next time. Just guessing here, only you can figure this out by getting in touch with your deepest feelings. You likely have a little mad at yourself for saying no and then giving a yes which is the guilt and shame part. We feel guilt and shame because we did not honor ourselves first and foremost. Forgive yourself. Look at this guy with honesty and fresh eyes. Start to listen and observe him. What is his real character? Do your feelings matter? Be honest with yourself.
I am going to suggest you sit down with yourself and really examine and think about this relationship including that night. It is possible this is really a rape. Take a pen to paper and write down how you feel in detail. Get in touch with why the shame and guilt are chains around your heart and why you feel them. You have to heal from this by honoring your true self and feelings and doing what is right for your own life. Don't allow yourself to minimize your true feelings and the true character and personality of this guy. You deserve better than to ignore it and bury your head in the sand.
Truthfully you know him better than we do but just talk to him about it. In one way it will hammer it home that when you say no you mean no. Hopefully he will be a man and understand what he did was wrong and how badly he made you uncomfortable.
Like you said he can always relieve the tension himself. I just wonder if there wasn't something else going on in the background that made him feel like less of a man and maybe he was in need of confirmation of his manhood that day... hard to say... ultimately it falls that he should have listened to you about your boundaries but i'm one of those people that try to look at all possibilities to try and find a root cause.
I hope you feel better and come to a good conclusion to your concerns.
I'm just going to make a comment talking about the physical part of this... If you say no and he turns over to go to sleep perhaps pressuring him into continuing to cuddle might not be the best thing.... Maybe just let him go to sleep??... The physical sensations of the cuddling seemed to lead to more physical desire
I'm not saying that you did anything wrong however he kept telling you how 'horny' he was and you kept pressuring him to cuddle from what I'm reading here and perhaps it led to him behaving as he shouldn't have.... I'm just playing devil's advocate and another way of looking at this
It's up to you to decide whether this is someone you'd want to continue in a relationship with or not....
I wish you well.... Big hug....xo
How to move on, I’m not sure. His behavior makes you see him a little differently. For some people it would be a deal breaker. I’m not saying that it needs to be for you but maybe you are still anxious about it because it may be one of those things you can’t ignore. It’s ok if it is.
I guess it will come down to how happy and at peace you are within this relationship ... how you feel about him...... If you care a lot now you can always just take your time moving forward....
You wrote in the last paragraph though that you can't get over the fears??..... That's disturbing if there's fear!!....xo
And while I completely understanding fretting over how he acts about anything and everything, just know that he, too, is learning how a relationship is supposed to work.
This is your first relationship. There should be more happiness than sadness or confusion. Just have fun together. If you don't want sex, say No and that is the end of the discussion. He will live, he will be fine... you will have sex another night.
Don't ever do anything that you don't want to do.... Best to learn this now, as things like this will probably come up all through your life. Guys may beg or make you feel guilty into having sex, but you always have the right to say No, and he will live, he will be okay, everything will be just fine.
Also, did you go back into therapy, as you were thinking about doing that a few months ago? Probably be a good idea.
I totally get why you feel unsafe. I had a similar experience. Re-establishing trust takes a long time and a lot of effort on both parts. I would discuss with him in a quiet stable moment, making it clear at the beginning that you have forgiven him and you do believe that he understands, but discuss your own feelings of being unsafe and that it is going to take a long time to establish that visceral trust again. He needs to be on board to do whatever it takes, and to listen as long as you need to talk about it.
In my case, he took it upon himself to start asking me whether it was ok to kiss me, or other touches. It was surprisingly comforting to me. I had not realized I was tensed up sometimes, anticipating an unwanted touch.
People can grow and learn and change, if they want to.
Women have to endure so many boundary aggressions in every context. It makes a person hypervigilant. In an intimate context it is much more impactful but all the events add up to create that feeling of being unsafe.
You have done very well dealing with this. Hats off to you.
Don't rush yourself and keep an eye out for any other inappropriate behavior.