Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Mh hasn't tried to touch me sexually in about ten years. We are 60 and 57. He's been this way all our marriage. We were "active" 3 years before our marriage but it was like a duty to him. He has never enjoyed sex.
I've been ok with it for 8 years now. I stopped asking him for sex. It wasn't worth it any more. He would wind up in tears. .... bc he did not want to have sex.
But a new light has been shed on the situation. A guy / old boyfriend / from my past has come into the picture and he wants to "see" me... and do more than just have coffee.
The sad thing is.... I am very tempted bc I feel starved for someone just to touch me and want me physically. MH kisses me. But not with passion. He hugs me but he is not sexual in any kind of way. It's not in him. He says that part of him is broken.
I have never cheated on MH nor even been tempted. BUT...I'm getting that way.... I am tempted to have "coffee" with this boyfriend from the past. I mentioned counseleing a year and a half ago. to MH . MH dropped it and never pursuited it. Just let it all go back to our norm of NOTHING. Then a week ago I TOLD HIM that someone else was interested in me.... and we needed to get help before a trainwreck happened.
MH has just dropped it..... and not spoken a word about it since. It's like I said nothing to him. NOTHING. He was in a grumpy mood about it for a few days but then just dropped it and went back to acting like nothing was ever mentioned.
I need to get counseling before I trainwreck our marriage. MH is a good man. He provides. is a hard worker. treats me well. saves money. is good looking. is moral. doesn't drink or get drunk. doesn't cheat on me. is good to me. he's boring... but that's ok.... we are in a terrible rut w/ life and we are so young....
but that's just the way he does not want change. it took me ten years to get him to decide it was ok to paint the kitchen. .... well. basically I just told him it was going to get done.
i'm sad. i'm bored out of my mind. and I'm horny. And MH doesn't seem to care to do anything to help our relationship.
He's a good man. Why am I so sad about it? I'm just sad that this is not a part of our lives when we are both healthy and married...
I think after all this time of not having sex I am no longer even attracted to him. I don't think I could even have sex with him if I wanted to... . I think all of that is gone.....
I'm scared I will contact the other man and meet up with him and then feel horrible...
When my new insurance kicks in on March 1, I am going to counseling. I have decided that. But I need help with being strong....
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
He completely shut down, both physically and emotionally and expected me to do the same. I tried for awhile, but it was no way to live. Like you, I thought about turning elsewhere.
And like you, I did come to realize that if we did have the chance to have sex again, I no longer even wanted it with him. There is something about feeling unloved and completely ignored and discounted (since even my basic needs and desires meant nothing to him). For me, that did build some anger and resentment.
I did cope by chatting and sharing with many others (in our same boat), built up my own mini arsenal of toys(big frown), and there are a couple of other groups on here that did help me. I started Sex on the Brain-- for those of us who get preoccupied at times and need to just get it all out there. lol And for me, I enjoy writing and fantasizing-- So I did turn to Erotica.
I am glad you will do counseling for yourself. Please know, whatever you do decide , my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there and look toward the day when you will find what YOU need .
Hugs, Kim
I would not have told him someone else was interested in you. That basically brings another party into your marriage. To me that just creates a deeper wedge.
Starting a relationship with someone while still with your spouse is mean. So I think you just have to figure out if the marriage is worth saving and if not, leave. Hopefully counseling will help you sort through that. Being unhappy and feeling lonely in a marriage is awful. So I think sometimes ending it is the kindest thing you can do for each other. That’s not an easy decision.
Unfortunately he also shut down any therapy..... It seems everything has been on his terms
Maybe it's time to bring this to a head.... I don't think you can have a good marriage and a good affair ongoing however I would probably want a real conversation and help to deal with what's going on within your marriage and decide what you want for your future..... Big hug.....xo
Speaking as a woman who was in the same boat, I did mention to my husband when a younger English man did innocently start to chat with me on a game site. I was hoping he would be a bit jealous or say he would rather I didn't. He laughed. I took that to mean he could care less or thought noone would want me. As a result I would begin to chat and quickly grow closer to a stranger a zillion miles away than to my own husband. Because he was there... to care and listen and support me.
When her husband just pretended nothing was said--- is like he is discounting her. I know too well, that is no way to live,
Ginger I pray you may find courage and strength to discover just what you want and need (what would truly make you happy) We should not have to settle .
Hugs, Kim
up or else. I know how I feel when I perceive being threatened. I dig in and pretend I don’t care even when I’m dying inside. It’s a defense mechanism.
If my husband used the attention of another woman to try to get me to have sex with him or be intimate with him, I would be really hurt by that. I’m not suggesting withholding affection and intimacy is right. It must be so painful. But I truly think bringing another person into the equation would be a pretty big breach of trust for me even if it were just flirting or a fantasy. It feels manipulative and I don’t think it actually does anything except foster resentment, widen the divide and deepen the hurt.
My husband needs a reality check. He needs to understand the reality of the position he has put me in.
Cutting me off and telling me basically it was just too bad....THAT was pretty damn mean and heartless.
If given him no reason to mistrust me. In fact I've been totally transparent.
We are now working on things. Our insurance will kick in in March and we are planning on starting some counseling.
He will no travel. His parents didn't do it so we shldnt need to. He cut THAT out of our relationship even though we have 100k just in savings and our house paid off.
He won't visit one side o my family bc they make more $ than him.... Or be around any friends that are educated.
I was offered a job making 30k more a year....but it was in another city and he told me if I took I our relationship was over. This was before we were married.
Oh... He has sex and travelled when we dated. But all of that changed. He spent has sex the night we got married. He stiffened his body and wld not let me touch him.
I feel like most of this withholding sex has been a control thing....
It is time for it to stop. We have been no where in years. I have to go on vacation and go see my daughter by myself.... Or I do not get to go anywhere. And we more than have the money
And he told me yesterday that he masterbates all the time.....
He is one lucky dude I'm still with him in some ways and I think he is starting to realize how much his ncontrol issues are damaging everything.
I'm willing to work on things. But I'm tired of being single with a ring on my hand.
Ty all for listening
Good luck and yes, definitely go to counseling for yourself.
There comes a point when we have to realize that nothing will change-- unless we do (and we find that courage to stand up for ourselves. ) I send love and hugs.
His brothers still practice this. One is married and the other is not.
He simply cannot enjoy sex bc he is no suppose to.... It is sinful unless you are making a child to raise in the Catholic Church.
He still sees it as very very wrong.
I've tried to be understanding. But having sex with him as always been hard bc he was always uncomfortable and it was like he really didn't want to. So much conflict within himself.