Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
So I've posted a lot in Emotional/ Physical Abuse support group. I broke up wih my ex 10 months ago and still love him and just want to know how to let him go. The thing is... I know how unhealthy he is for me. He would yell at me when I didn't do something (help him find his cigarettes, change clothes), he would rough house with me until I was in tears because it hurt (then get mad when I cried), told me he wanted to hurt me after we broke up (then told me he said that just to scare me) etc. I realize that these things have no place in a healthy relationship. I've been in 3 relationships and none of them have been good for me. But this last one I'm really having a hard time getting over. I tried dating but realized I'm not ready to yet since I still love him. I just want someone who is healthy for me. I'm scared I can't find that... Like there is something wrong with me. And I've met some really nice guys but I'm just paranoid now they won't be healthy. How do I overcome this? Has anyone else had these problems and then moved on to have a healthy and happy relationship?
I too seem to have a hard time forging a healthy ROMANTIC relationship. I've decided instead to forge healthy FRIENDSHIPS with the same sex, and even those are not without their share of abuse. But I set clear boundaries and get pissed when those boundaries are violated. Works for me.
Best of success to you (hug)
My advice is to start asserting boundaries early on in the relationship.
Think about this - if you are at work and your boss or peer gets pissed off at you, calls you names and treats you like a servant - would you continue working there? Would you find this behavior appropriate ?
The same goes for a man you are with. Just because you are intimate, he should not be crossing boundaries of respect a stranger would have.
If you notice this happening, say something. If he does not stop, drop him immediately. Don't make excuses for him.
Best of luck
I think that was also my problem when I was younger. I kind of just wanted to be in a relationship with someone so I didn't bother waiting for quality, I just went for what was in front of me. Teach yourself to be more discerning and know what you really want and need. Once you get that ironed out, the process goes much more smoothly.
And Rosy, I fight the urge to go back to him everyday. As much as I love him, I tell myself someone who intimidates me by admitting to wanting to hurt me is not someone who truly loves me.
I've had several guys try to tell me I'm submissive, or be controlling or ugly - and I just laugh at them.......I mean seriously, what man in their right mind would think that I would tolerate that kind of nonsense??? A guy tries to tell me I'm submissive ......I never know whether to laugh or punch him in the face!
So they call me a lesbian and move onto the next target - try the same thing - till they find someone who buys their nonsense.
Don't be one of those women.
The fact that you describe yourself as " pleaser" is a sign. You should be able to get to that in therapy.
I had no idea my childhood was a nightmare until I saw how other people grew up. What I perceived as normal was neglect and borderline abuse.
You know what's right and you're living it everyday. Honestly having to exhibit this kind of self-control is good for you. It's just strengthening your self-control for more situations where you will need it in the future.
Remember it is your job to let people know your boundaries. I don't expect (or hope) you go back to the guy you mention but in the future don't stay with one an extra day than they deserve. Once they cross the line there's no back peddling! You deserve the best and good guys do exist, they're just a little rarer. Kind of like seeing an albino squirrel :)
Respectfully,
Brock
Limabeans, you sound a lot like me. I'm in therapy too. I'm still not there yet though. I am however getting a lot better at dealing with these guys and dont let them cause me as much emotional pain anymore. And I'm also better at realising the flags.
I like you used to think there was something wrong with me, but there isn't. Deep down you most likely feel unloveable, so you attract the crappy guys...thisis what you need to change.
As to why you still love him, can you ascertain what it is about him that you still love? I'm not being facetious, I'm wondering if you can pinpoint the things that you still love about him on paper.
Love is attached to thought and is formed from things we know and experience with someone, something or some place. I would take all the comments posted here to your next therapy session. It could be insightful for you and your therapist.
When someone hurts you and you allow such behaviour to continue, there are issues that need to be sorted through that you may not see or understand at the present time. A good therapist can help you reach that place, and once you do, you will never choose a bad guy again.
I wish you well.