Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Loving someone unhealthy for you

limabeans
limabeans
So I've posted a lot in Emotional/ Physical Abuse support group. I broke up wih my ex 10 months ago and still love him and just want to know how to let him go. The thing is... I know how unhealthy he is for me. He would yell at me when I didn't do something (help him find his cigarettes, change clothes), he would rough house with me until I was in tears because it hurt (then get mad when I cried), told me he wanted to hurt me after we broke up (then told me he said that just to scare me) etc. I realize that these things have no place in a healthy relationship. I've been in 3 relationships and none of them have been good for me. But this last one I'm really having a hard time getting over. I tried dating but realized I'm not ready to yet since I still love him. I just want someone who is healthy for me. I'm scared I can't find that... Like there is something wrong with me. And I've met some really nice guys but I'm just paranoid now they won't be healthy. How do I overcome this? Has anyone else had these problems and then moved on to have a healthy and happy relationship?
LivingWater
LivingWater
As for childhood having been a nightmare, I sensed that quite young. And I do know it paved the way to my choosing the wrong partners, many of whom were abusive, controlling, or just "not into me".

"Our parents gave us enough love to survive, but not enough to feel whole."

With NO love, babies die from "failure to thrive". Well, we didn't die--but that feeling of emptiness persists until we learn how to fill it with something, or someone, that doesn't hurt.
Autumnal
Autumnal
That's a wonderful answer LivingWater!
limabeans
limabeans
Thank you everyone for your responses. I've been going to counseling and we have talked about my family growing up... And nope that was pretty normal. The therapist thinks I have just been unlucky in picking a string of bad guys, but we are working on my self esteem issues. I have been feeling better the last several days. My ex emailed me and I didn't respond. He told me how much he loved me, and said he was sorry and he understood why I left. But then he told me "I'm sorry but I forgive you. I forgive you for the way I felt when you left." I'm in a good enough place right now that I know that's BS. He forgives me for his feelings?! That's not normal.
onmymind2000
onmymind2000
Ugh. I spent a whole lot of years loving someone unhealthy for me. I let her screw me over time and again and took her ass back time and again. It should have gotten old but it didn't. I should have had a wake up call but I didn't. Instead I let her continue to dictate how our relationship would end. If she hadn't left me and gotten engaged behind my back I would probably still be with her.

It sucks hard to know you love someone who is unhealthy. Cut ties with this guy and stay out of this relationship. It is like throwing money into a black hole if you stay.
koolman
koolman
Everyone has said some really good things. I'd just work on being healthy within yourself. That done, when a guy is healthy or unhealthy for you, you'll know it, and will react accordingly.

Yeah, I've encountered these things, and realize that, while enjoying some beauty and sex in another would be nice, overall I'm healthier alone.