Healthy Relationships Support Group

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loss of me

Epmisme
Epmisme

I am lost... I think that I could leave it like this. I have been depressed and suicidal for 25 years. I got married to the woman I love in '13 and had a son in '17. Until my son was born my self hate and self injury waxed and waned. but through that time the root of my anger was on myself. I was terrible to myself. Painfully terrible in every sense. I hid that from everyone. I hid it from my family. I hid it form my friends. I never divulged any of my personal feelings. Then we gave birth to my son and I couldn't hold onto all that pain anymore. I needed to let it go so I could be a loving parent. This is where I am having my present issue. I am angry. I am angry all the time. Though this time not at myself but the whole world around me. I am numb to my own life. I am cold and distant to my wife. I am empty. Except for my son. I have never known the amount of love I have for him before. I don't wish to change my devotion and love I have for my son, but I want to find love for everyone else including myself. I want to feel again. I see my wife cry and be in pain, and I feel nothing but annoyance and frustration. obligation and duty run my social life. I want my empathy back. but with out the self abuse.

zeezee
zeezee
I think it's important that you talk to your wife about this. She needs reassurance that this is not something wrong that she did, and that you need help. For the sake of your family, get help.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Big hug for you Ep...… It sounds like you need to get into some therapy in order to work through your feelings.... get to the root cause in order to come out the other side

Anger management could also help you

Mindfulness is a great way to de-stress

I agree to talk with your wife and start to work on a solution...….. xo
rmb
rmb
Agree with the others. Please get help.
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I also suggest therapy. And if you've tried therapy before.... try it again.... with a different therapist. It took me about 4 therapists to find a good one.

25 years is a long time to hurt, and we can't look to others to make us happy on the inside. I hope therapy can help you with these things very quickly. Please take a step toward getting help. You will be glad you did. You can do this. Best wishes.
Glad2Help
Glad2Help
Like they said, you need to get some counseling. You need to get it out and hear from someone that this is not how it should be. If you cannot love yourself, who else will? How will your son turn out if he sees you angry at yourself. Consider also going to a local church and talking to a pastor who might tell you that you are a wonderful person, no matter what you think of yourself. You might also need to lower your standards a bit. If you made some wrong decisions in the past, learn to forgive yourself and move on. Find out how you can learn to make better decisions. If you were abused, this is not your doing. When I try to do my best, then I have given what I can. If people are disappointed, well tough luck, that is all I can contribute. You can love others by first loving and being good to yourself. On top of that, learn to appreciate the little things you have, to have life and be able to move around, a family who loves you, food to eat, fresh water. These are little things we take for granted but so many people around the world do not even have. When you have a positive outlook and an appreciative disposition, you have a better chance of loving others and being kind to others. Take care my friend. Start looking for the little blessings around you.
Epmisme
Epmisme
thank you all for your responses. I am working hard to find a therapist that I can trust and open up to (a challenging issue for me). There is a relief in venting on an anonymous medium. I was hitting a very low when I wrote this and until I find a professional I very much am glad this community is here.
rmb
rmb
That's good! Keep venting and expressing yourself.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I just wanted to add that anger and pain are secondary emotions so they are caused by something.... Getting to the cause and working through what you need to in order to heal as best you can would be a wonderful gift for you and for your family

If it's due to trauma in your life..... DBT or a trauma therapist or group therapy specific to trauma might really help..... Another hug.... I'm glad that you're here as well...…

Peer support even with a professional I find can help a great deal

I just wanted to add that there are other groups on here that may be of help..... Anxiety Board.... Depression..... I'm not sure of the cause but the PTSD board is good and active.....

One of the great things about DS is that it's anonymous......xo

I'm just ? making a guess from what you've written that something may ? have traumatized you and this is some info on trauma therapy and how it works just in case it may help

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/trauma/what-is-trauma-therapy-and-how-does-it-work/
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