I'm sure your job raising those 5 kids and tending to the housework 12 hours a day is stressful...and so is his job even though it's only 8 hours a day. Do you ASK him how his day was? Does HE ask you?

Seems to me you two need a date night once a week, where you hire a babysitter to stay with the kids, and you two go out someplace relaxing. Somewhere in the shuffle of life, you lost that, and you've gotta re-find it.

I ask him every single day how his day was. Usually the first words out of my mouth. He never asks how mine was and has made it quite clear he doesn't care. He has also told me he doesn't care if I ask how his was but it's still something I do.

We were having a date night every other week but life got really up in the air lately as we took in someone else's kid and the whole baby sitter situation is different then it was with ours. Plus he is super cheap haha. He never wants to do anything if it costs money and nothing he likes is free.

Hand him the bill... Child care at 10$ USD per kid per hour, 15/hr house keeping 60/hr for home repairs, 50/wk for lawn mowing, ect... If you pay the bills, accounting 100/hr .. Shopping, cooking... Don't get me started about how much people pay for sex.

Then hand him the book his needs her needs...

I love the bill idea!!!!

Honeymoon's long over. Sorry, jolene, condolences. You go right ahead and vent.

I'm curious, however, why did you take in someone else's kid, especially if you've got your own and a mountain of bills to pay?

Ugh Jolene!

What is up with his Aunt?? Now we know why your guy is like he is, his family taught him his beliefs about what "Men" should do and what "Women" should do.

I wonder if you could find and hire a helper. Like a teen who needs some extra money. Hire them to mow the lawn and help you out with your daycare.

If we are going back to the 1950's I'm pretty sure yard work is "Man's work" so he better get with the program. ha ha

Hang in there!

Oh and Koolman... It sounds good in theory... but being more loving and more kind with a big titty baby type of man just makes him feel his "Power over" ways are working and he will push more and more to have his needs met, guys like that don't give a hoot about who their women are as people. they just see a woman as .. "What can she do to make my life better" Think the movie The Stepford Wives.. the 1970's version, not the remake.... it's really sad, but it's a common relationship dynamic. As a society we are making progress, but seeing how Jolene's guy is only in his 30's.. I'm disappointed. I thought it was an older generation thing, but I guess our family hands down "Agreements" on how things should work.

I'm sorry, that is not fair at all. You are working a job during the day, just as he is, so truthfully the division of labor should be more equally divided. It's a tough situation, if only there was a way for him to take a walk in your shoes and see just how hard your average day is. Your situation reminds me very much of my grandparents lifestyle. My grandma was a dental assistant, my grandpa a paramedic, both were working jobs, however my grandpa expected my grandma to still attend to the house, yard work and kids. They had 3 children and an entire farm! My grandma had to tend to the fields and use all the big farming equipment, she was also expected to cook every meal. My grandpa was a man of schedule, he ate the same thing at the same time every single day of his life. His breakfast had to be served at 5 in the morning, his lunch at 11 and his dinner had to be on the table by 5. My grandma had to make him a basket of biscuits from scratch every morning too. She's one of the hardest working women I know. When my grandpa died, I think that's the happiest she's ever been. She was allowed to go out, to sleep in, to not cook the same foods day in and day out, she finally had freedom. I think it's most sad it took her whole life to gain it, that's no way to live. The same goes for you as well, you deserve some free time too! You don't want to wake up one day and realize you've wasted your life slaving away, everyone deserves some time just to relax and enjoy life.

The concept of "men's work" and "women's work" is deeply ingrained in our society, so much so that even when women DO a man's job, they are paid less!

When my son was growing up and said he didn't want to set the table because "that's a GIRL's job", we told him "there's no such thing as girl's work or boy's work. There is simply WORK TO BE DONE."

Ok, I agree that he should not be minimizing your part of this marriage.
However, according to you, you tell him to stop being a baby.
It is disrespectful and condescending. Of course, he is going to respond to you in similar fashion.
It sounds like you both are crossing boundaries of respect and this is where it leads.
I have NEVER said something like this to any of my men.
I may call my GF and tell her my bf is being a baby, but I would never say something this insulting to his face and I expect him to be civil to me in return. Sometimes I do act like a baby and whine a little, but aggravating me further only creates more hostility in a relationship.
My motto is : talk to your spouses and your children the way you would speak to your boss, your co-Worker, your doctor or your priest.
Our spouses are not punching bags and if our partners are being less than respectful, it does not mean that we should stoop down to their level.
It is important to remember that one day we may have to divorce them and every insult we ever said WILL amplify the difficulty of that divorce.
Be smart, be kind, yet do not stop asserting boundaries of how you want to be treated.

Ha! Aronia, What you say reminds me even more of the 1970's movie the Stepford wives.

In the movie the beautiful wife played by Kathryn Ross, wanted to work on her photography. She was in the dark room and the kids were needing attention. Her husband wanted her to come out of her room and tend to them. She said " Handle it, Frank" or what ever his name was, I can't remember. In other words.. Stop being a baby"

I've read many of Jolene's posts. She has tried every which way to get her guy to see her point of view. Calling him a baby will probably work better than most of her ways. I know because asking nicely never worked with my husband. When I called him a "big titty baby and told him he was just feeling sorry for himself, it actually got through to him a lot more than when I begged and pleaded for him to be nice to me. sometimes the big titty babies of the world take kindness for weakness. a good dose of their own medicine is what they need.
It's obvious Jolene is the truly strong one. Running a daycare is way harder than any 9 to 5 day job. It's mind numbing unpredictable work. No peaceful lunch breaks nothing!

I'm big on "You can only control yourself" so I really think she should take matters into her own hands and hire a bit of help. If he won't be a mutual helping partner to her she needs to disconnect a bit, be grateful for what he does contribute and let him be him. Unfortunately, it may just come to light that he isn't the right man for her... or maybe he will rise to the occasion and develop a desire to value and respect her and be kind and compassionate.... who knows.

Yes.. She has SO much on her plate.. The family is definitely taking advantage of her kindness.

Okay, that was way more responses than I expected! Lol

First off, this is an ongoing argument between us but it is mainly the only one. For the most part we have a good relationship. I do talk directly to my spouse when I have an issue with him. But he is a bit thick headed. He was raised in a home where the father went to work, often on the road, and the mother did all the work because she was often on her own. She never worked outside the home a day in her life. He often talks about how he hates the fact that I have to work at all, he wishes he was 'man' enough to support our family without my income. It doesn't bother me having to work, as long as the rest of the household responsibilities don't also fall on my shoulders.

He is cheap Koolman. We aren't broke :). We can pay our bills and usually have some left over for things we would like to do. We took in someone else's kid so he didn't get lost in the foster system. He is a special needs boy who I feel I can help better then an over crowded foster home regardless of how good the foster parents are. We live in a 6 bedroom home, I work from home, and the kids are only a year apart.....so I took him in to help him. He isn't the first child that has come in to my home through way of CPS. He is just the first one who has special needs and came to me in the way he did.

The bill wouldn't matter to him much. He would be fine if I had a job outside the home but when I did the numbers I make a bit more this way as I don't have to pay outrageous child care. He would still just consider it a womans duty to do the house and yard work. Once again, how he was raised.

His aunt is a constant pain in my ass. Literally. I'm pretty sure this woman hates me. When I make a comment about how I still have the floor to mop but I was tired so I took a break she will remark about how I should be grateful my hubby has a job to pay for our floor. She is also very religious and I'm an atheist....so that may bug her as well. The thing is she is a divorced woman who's one child committed suicide when he was very young and who's other child lives over 18 hours away. If she was a nice woman I would have her over for supper and things as I don't like seeing people alone (part of my upbringing, we were poor but my mum never wanted to see people lonely and hurt so we always helped as much as we could with whoever we could).

I know the honey moon is over too :). It's been 9 years together. That stage ended like 6 years ago haha. I know relationships are work. Anything easy come is easy go. I love the guy, or I wouldn't of invested 9 years. Just this one main chord on contention that irritates the snot out of me!

Good Deal, Jolene.

I'm still confused as how it's "woman's work doing the yard work though... lol

You didn't respond to my idea about hiring a teen to help you out, what do you think?

Ironically I do something like that. My niece is 18 and is always looking for a quick buck so I often hire her to mow, weed, haul stuff to the dump. But she is pregnant now and unable to do as much. So I hire her boyfriend haha but he also has a full time job. I can't afford anything else. Teens around here want $40 to mow the lawn!