Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi everyone. I am new to this group and I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but here it goes.
I'm 30 years old and have been married for almost 3 years. My husband is a wonderful guy. He treats me with respect and will do anything for me. I consider myself very lucky. He's very different than the men I've dated in the past. For starters, he doesn't drink. He has colitis and never had the desire. That being said, he isn't much of a partier but neither am I. He does know how to have fun though and doesnt need to rely on alcohol or any drugs to have a good time.
Now on to the issue.
My childhood best friend who was also my college roommate has an extremely jealous and often mean temper. She has never enjoyed when I had boyfriend's and has caused issues with some of my girlfriend's.
I have always forgiven her and tried to move past it, but recently was made aware that she was talking badly about my husband at MY OWN birthday dinner with family and friends. My friend who she confided in asked I not say anything and told me she told her she felt differently and thinks she would too if she got to know him (my husband.)
I am just beyond annoyed. She has met my husband a handful of times in the 3 years we've been married...a total of 6 years together. She never wants to do anything with us because she doesn't want to be the third wheel, then complains that she barely knows him.
Out of respect to my other friend I do not want to say anything but I would really like to break ties with this friendship. I've tried before, but it seems so complicated and hard.
I struggle with the fact I myself am not outgoing and haven't made many friends over the years. The ones I'm close with I value.
My friend has never had a boyfriend...she's had random hookups and men who have used her. She doesn't understand what a relationship or marriage is and consists of. I am hurt that she would speak badly of him.
Any advice on how to go about "breaking up" with her?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Sounds to me like you hit the nail on the head when you said, "She doesn't understand what a relationship or marriage is and consists of." That's one hell of a handicap to live with. I am guessing that you are, possibly, maybe, the only long-term friend she has? Just guessing.
I'm wondering if instead of "breaking up with her" you could try compassion for her handicap and boundaries for the problems HER handicap cause in YOUR life.
Just wondering. . . Don't know if that even makes sense.
Gentle support while you sort it out, Marglaw.
I wouldn't throw your other friend under the bus either...
She knows the things that she does and says....There is a malicious intent here I think as well.......
I think it's important to have some boundaries with this kind of person so that it doesn't continue as it has been
As Arfie wrote you could see her from time to time IF you still wanted to... Therapy such as DBT could help her
I do understand your anger though and your loyalty is to your husband
Gentle hug..... xo
Splitting
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)
I think we try way to hard to tip toe around people and it's really not helping them at all. Some friendships are not supposed to last a life time because people out grow each other or the friendship was based on some mutual interests at one time. That is perfectly normal that some friendships not withstand over time.
However, venting about it behind your back at your party was inappropriate. I would just stop inviting her to do things in a group, rather than having a confrontation and breaking off your friendship. If you start to miss her company, maybe reach out to her about getting together to catch up by yourselves. If you don't miss her, then don't.
Her and I always hang out together alone. My husband has only joined us once, and that's because she came over to swim in our pool. She has openly expressed that she wants to get to know him more and feels like she "barely knows her best friend's husband." But when I have invited her out with us, she becomes defensive and says she doesn't want to be the third wheel.
She has gotten into blow out fights with all of her long term friends (she's currently not speaking to one now actually) and has gone long periods of time before making amends. She is very outgoing and makes friends easily, but doesn't seem to keep them.
I guess when I referred to the fact that she doesn't know how relationships are or how marriages work I meant it in a sense that she has always picked apart every man I've ever been with (some for the right reason) but my husband is one guy who doesn't deserve it. He is a genuinely good person. I think it really bothers her that he doesn't drink. It's almost like she thinks I can't possibly be having fun with him because he doesn't get intoxicated. And maybe this goes back to our friendship being the closest in college when drinking and partying were involved...maybe it is something she thinks I still want? I don't know.
I still don't know how to address the issue. I'd like to keep my one friend who confided in me out of it, which means I can't really confront the issue head on. I think my best bet is to try to pull away...it is just very hard when she knows my family, friends, and even people I work with.
It does read like she 'might' have a personality disorder and so that would entail her whole personality....
In regards to dealing with what she said at the party you wrote that she was telling several people
If this is so this is why she can't keep friends..... For instance someone with a borderline personality has 'black and white' thinking patterns..... they don't see the grey areas
Perhaps the next time that she says she doesn't know your husband you could confront that I have invited you to join us and you keep on saying you don't want to be a third wheel
You could just state that I'd like us to all get together sometimes but by the same token you have written that "she's extremely jealous and has a mean temper'
So I would be careful..... There seems to be some big red flags here
This is some info on Borderline personality..... There is help to be had if she is willing to get it in regards to whatever is wrong
Here's some info on Borderline.... Of course I don't know what she has however from what you've written she 'might' have some symptoms of it??
I don't think that you can really do anything about what she said at the party due to keeping your other friends' confidence
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder
Could she be an alcoholic?
in other words... if it is causing me pain in my head, heart, or gut... I do not even question it any more... I let it GO. Period. I do not even have to give an excuse or reason.
I had a friend that is now 55. She has never had a boyfriend, never married, and never had sex. ... She is very very judgemental towards me and always has been. She is jealous of me and says snide, rude remarks. I finally dumped her... after many years of wondering WHY she got under my skin, I just quit examining it and trusted myself. I blocked her on facebook, blocked her on my phone, and now know that I will never have to deal with her again. I am much better off..... Why in the hell did it take me so long to get rid of someone that was not emotionally good for me?