No I don't think it's sustainable,

I'm not condoning his behavior, at all, but if you're confrontational, or sound pissy when you do talk to him, that doesn't help. If he feels like he does nothing right in your eyes, maybe he thinks why bother.

But like I said, I'm not condoning his behavior and see why you can't trust him.

Would you consider therapy, just even for yourself,to get some clarity on your feelings, and maybe insight into how to move forward, whether with him or without him.

Heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. Have you ever read any of Brene Brown's books? She is a shame researcher and it sounds like your husband is deeply steeped in shame -- to the point where he is non-functional. Even the slightest criticism causes him to shut down completely. I think the tone you use when talking to him is important. My guess is that there is enough resentment here, it will come out even if you try to compliment him or say something kind. The words "Well, that's not very helpful" could be used very innocently or be very hurtful depending on the tone. You may not even realize it when you are doing it. Even if you decide, "This is the best I can ever expect" and choose to stay in this marriage without making any changes, the two of you are distant enough that a crisis or other event could tip the scales and you could find yourself alone. My wife and I were in a similar place a few years ago. Being in a bad marriage can be more lonely than being single. I wonder what happened to your husband in his childhood or former relationships. He is obviously avoiding anything that causes him to feel uncomfortable. It's easy to convince ourselves that we're tough and can just power through a hard situation, but I think there are times when if we just realized the joy we are missing out on -- joy that we truly deserve and is readily available to us if we make different choices -- we would change right away. I'm not surprised you are suffering from depression. I think most people would in this situation. But there's a difference between depression that is tied to difficult circumstances and depression that persists even though everything in your life is going well. In my view marriage is a privilege, not a right. Both spouses have to be willing to think of the other person's needs at least some of the time. Your husband is not doing that, and as result he's lost your heart. It may just be a matter of time before he loses the rest of you as well.

I m not going to go into a lot of details, but your experience resonates with me and I am still kicking myself for not leaving sooner.
Please leave him.

You are never too old to have a piece of mind. Breaking up is scary, but we keep making excuses as to why we should remain with someone who is bad for us. You will be much happier with him being gone

I think that goes both ways. He sounds miserable too. Maybe ovrr time you guys have just gotten into this rut dynamic.

Leaving someome when unhappy isn't about finding someone new. It's about peace of mind, like Aronia said.

Leaving you stranded anywhere, let alone in an unfamiliar counry is a rotten thing to do. I don't know why he's like this. Frankly, I don't think it matters. We're not obligated to be treated poorly because someome had a rotten childhood or past trauma. We can draw a line in the sand and say enough.

With that said, none of us knows him or why he's so miserable and only you can decide what you're willing to take. It's just in doing that, in taking it, it breeds so much resentment. That's what makes it unsustainable, the relentless feeling of resentment, which turns into anger. None of that makes for a happy existence.

I agree that it does sound like you are both miserable so if you decide that you'll work on your relationship all the power to you...
However if you don't want to invest in your relationship I would part ways... One more day in this type of resentment and misery would be one more day too long for me
I am now on my own and I am at peace... There is a lot to be said for peace of mind
There's help for you to communicate much better though if you're both willing to do some work... It probably wouldn't take a long time either to learn better communication skills.... Big hug....xo

thank you every one for your messages. The sad thing is that i want this to work but I have to realise that he will never be the person that it is just not working out. There is no point in trying to talk to him, i know how he will react. I have given up already. Thank you for your messages i so appreciate your support

No, it is not sustainable unless what you want to sustain is a pointless life. You can't fix another person and if they won't fix themselves, and you stay, you're a martyr. I tried the martyr life and finally rejected it. Don't be that gal who kicks herself, at the end, for throwing away her short time on this planet. You wrote that you are 54 and 'Part of me just thinks that i should just accept what i have. I certainly dont want another man so dont see much point in ending this relationship'. I left shortly before my 50th birthday. There have been plenty of reasons out here in the world that it turned out the marriage was worth leaving for, and the very, very least of those reasons is to get involved with another man. I discovered the simple joy of freedom, for one thing. As in on the way home from work today I'm going to take a walk along the estuary and look at the wildflowers, or I think on this rainy Saturday I'll watch a marathon of my favorite tv shows and invite a friend over, or wow it's a beautiful day I'm not going to turn for home after my errands I'm going to that little beach town for a few hours ... And so on. I also found amazing new friends who never would have been in my life if I'd stayed with him. I discovered new things and new places that made my heart skip a beat, I discovered new things to do with evenings, like text my friends to meet for a Girls Night in a nice place and laugh together over a drink and shared appetizers, or invite a friend over to watch a silly old western. I found new challenges and growth that never could have happened if he were in the way--and he was always in the way of anything that would allow me to be a better me unless it benefitted him. I found out who I am without him, and she's a pretty fun person and people like her and care about her ... ME. That's the tip of the iceberg. There are many, many reasons to leave regardless of whether you ever want another man in your life! But you'll never know them if you don't pull yourself out of that dark, damp, dreary bog that you are in and go find the light.

Beautifully said, JeanaRose. There is so much joy in little things, and an irreparably oppressive relationship can cause us to forget the simple wonders of being alive. We allow ourselves to be defined by our tormentors and entirely forget that beneath the weather-beaten surface is pure gold.

WHY did you marry him? You said it was hard from the start...were you two ever in love? At this point, you need to tell him to leave and move on.