Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Is this mean?

ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion
ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion

 My partner and i are still in a fight. He has always been used to getting stuff done for him. Forexample his mom calls him on average 5-7 times a day,to wake up for work ,make sure he leaves on time, to check on his lunch , to make sure he is safe home , did he eat , to remind him to get his things ready ahead of time for the next day and finally to say good night. Wen we got together i now am kinda ashamed of it but i realized i did something similar. I did it to have his mom like me ( which she doesnt much) and to show support and care for  him. I cried a lot telling him how i feel unappreciated for all the work that i do. His response was stop doing it i dont care about you. We arent okay yet he shows care in things like bringing me fpod to work and still helping keep a full fridge but if i cook he eats most of it since he did help buy the food but wont lift a finger around the house ( which i currently am not either because im tired and i deserve a break. Not that i do it for recognition just tired of getting treated like a maid) any ways every time he takes out his anger on me even when it isnt about me and its work or family related i remind him how supportive i am and he tells me he been told me to stop doing anything for him. Today he got home from work let his phone die and went to sleep meaning forgot to put an alarm for work and get things ready for tomorrow .i am un sure of wether to put an alarm for him because him being unemployed would affect me too since we live together or to let him suffer his consecuences and lose another job. He has a history to blame things on me and doesnt know how to take responsability for his actions . like apperantly it was my fault he lost his other 2 jobs in the past because the night before he lost them i caught him in a lie and he drank and was irresponsable didnt wake up for work and so its my fault because if i hadnt "picked a fight " with him knowing he has work the next day he wouldve not lost his job. When he loses his job he lacks on getting a job for up to 3 months . and he buries himself in debt and this just get worse around the house because money gets tight, he ignores and lies to his family so they dont find out he lost his job and i have to back up/ keep up with his lies.  So im debating wether to save his ass and help him keep his job or let him suffer the consequences and i will end up suffering with him( which feels mean but serves him right).

rmb
rmb
Set the alarm for him. Based on this post, and your other post, this relationship is so effed up, that not setting his alarm is not really taking a stand. I mean, seriously, it's a small thing in a much larger dysfunction. I have no idea why you are with this person. He sounds like a complete loser.
sexysub56
sexysub56
Perhaps it would help you to remember that you are of great worth and to hold yourself dear. He sounds like an abusive mama's boy.
11Christmases
11Christmases
This guy comes with a lot of red flags. The biggest one is his blame-shifting. Every time he does something wrong, it's your fault. He'll do something once in a while for you, in order to continue stringing you along. I would start discreetly making an exit plan and stop trying to reason with him over whose job it is to set the alarm. Do what you need to do, then get out of there and don't tell him you're leaving. I agree with the post above that says he is abusive.
AgentSmith
AgentSmith
This guy likely has a personality disorder. He will not ever change. He will spend the rest of his life expecting everyone to take care of him and never appreciating anything. He's incapable of caring about anyone but himself. Do yourself a favor and run far away and never look back.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
This is the guy who is always drunk and has choked you right??.... I agree that an alarm is nothing comparatively
ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion
ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion
He relapses from time to time yes. I set it but hesitated a lot how to wake him up his first words were. he expected me to put the alarm for him automatically. Never thanked me . Thanks for your advise
ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion
ToTryOrNotToTryThatIsTheQuestion
Last time i talked to anyone in person about my situation i was told i had to keep supporting him because if i didnt he was never going to get better . that i just need to let him drink so that he could relax. Its been in the back of my mind to leave specially lately but i dont have support and on top of that im told i am suppost to stay. It crossed my mind it was a good way to stand up for myself because he always blames me for stuff and this time he has been telling me to stop doing things for him so i though it would show him its his own fault. I dont know how else to stand up to him.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
No one who knows anything about addiction would encourage you to 'let him drink so he could relax and no one who knows anything about domestic abuse would encourage a person to stay in an abusive relationship..... Why do you want to stand up to him or for him when he treats you so badly?
rmb
rmb
I agree with SunCloud; no one in their right mind would tell you that you should let him drink so he can relax and that you should stay. You really have to find the right kind of support. It cannot be his family or whoever is giving you this awful advice.

The way you stand up is to leave. And the way to leave is to get a plan in order so that you can leave. It may take time to have this plan in place, but at the very least, you have to start working towards leaving. Instead of fussing over him, use time to reach out to resources so you have get some support behind you. This other stuff about whether or not to set his alarm, whether or not he says thank you... that is a distraction from the real issues and it prevents you from seeing the big picture here. I know it's hard to see it, because you are in the thick of an abusive situation but try to step back and see things with some clarity. You have to get honest with yourself, that this man is a rotten turd, and HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. You have to really get there. There is nothing you can do to make him change. I know that's hard to come to terms with as well. But the sooner you really accept that, I think it will make the idea of leaving seem like a far better option.
Raenbow
Raenbow
LEAVE HIM! I know it's going to hurt like hell, but I was married to someone very similar (except it was his dad who was doing everything for him and he was almost 40...so it never goes away) and sorry but you can't beat a parental bear.
The parent has to want to make space for their child to be in a healthy relationship, and the child needs to tell their parent their are boundaries now because they're in a relationship.
If his mom was in his life in a healthy way, you'd probably have no problem setting his alarm for him. It's not the act of setting the alarm, it's the underlying exhaustion and mistreatment that are making you a bit vengeful (which I don't blame you for.)

Cry it out...then run like hell.
Misred
Misred
This won't get better if you keep doing the same things. This man has some issues you can't help him with....I see a lot of enabling going on. This is not a healthy relationship
Kerela
Kerela
Walk away you are worth so much more than this.
smileshideit
smileshideit
You're not a bad person by walking away. I think when we have a relationship with someone who is in a bad place and needs help, we take it upon ourselves to take care of them, to feel the need to fix them. You can't fix him, only he can decide to get help. You'll probably only enable him in the end and that will lead to him blaming you as he has for his bad moments. If you love him at all, write him a letter with your feelings about him and what he's done to himself. Your sincere hope for his growth and desire to see him truly happy in life. Then don't look back and leave. I encourage a letter so he has something he can look back at and meditate on. If you say it all to him personally he can interrupt and fight back. You won't be able to get out the words you want and most likely not like you'd like. I'm sure you know walking away is best and I pray you have the strength to do this.
JeanaRose
JeanaRose
You are over-thinking this. The red flags are everywhere and they're huge and very bright red. If you stay with this person it is because you are okay with the inevitability of taking care of a big baby all your life and being treated like crap in return. I know, I lived it, I left at age 49. Finally. And I looked back and wondered why I was such a moron, wasting all those years on a man who didn't deserve me. Get out while the getting's good.
JeanaRose
JeanaRose
P.S. My guy thought the sun rose and set on his perfect mother. A mom's insistence on holding on to her son, and a son who likes it, is something that never changes.
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