Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Is this going bad...

blueyedjax
blueyedjax

I have been dating this guy since sept. But we were casual through summer. Before we were official he was push and pull and I could not ever tell where we stood. I was chatting with other guys but NEVER hooked up. He snooped through my phone and found messages and has since held it over my head. He says he is insecure and knows he gets jealous. I catch him going through my phone ALL the time. I recently changed the passcode which he didnt like. He is very critical of others and I honestly am scared of emotions. When. I stay at my house with my son he is constantly messaging and makes it uncomfortable. I have to always be near him or with him in his mind. He treats his kids un equal but if I try to tell him then we are hanging up on him and no one understands him... I had a nightmare the other night about him and woke up in sweat and gasping. My friend recently just told me about her friend who dated him before and his behavior with her. This appears to be a pattern cy le however he only  tells me he hasnt had sex in years and that he is jealous and does this because of that incident with me. But he has done it to other girls... he even went into my state email which I freaked out on because that is huge hippa violations and invasion.. like wth do I do... how do I help him understand what he is doing to me and our kids???



Hurt mama

mangymoosemaine
mangymoosemaine
Oh my goodness. Leave leave leave leave leave. So many abusive red flags :/ You do NOT want to work things out, trust me. This relationship will never be healthy. Going through your phone and emails clearly indicates that he has no respect for boundaries. He also lied to you. Things aren't even official yet and he is treating you like property. I don't want to know how he would treat you in an actual relationship.

Please get out while you still can.
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
I remember your other posts from around the same time, September, and you were just getting a divorce and your husband was still living on your couch... which I assume that has all been taken care of now.

Please don't jump into a relationship with this potentially dangerous person, out of rebound or loneliness. Not saying that's your reasons for staying with this guy, but I just wanted to throw that possibility out there.

Please treat yourself with the respect that you deserve. Take your time to find a good guy who respects you, and who you feel at ease with. You don't have to jump right into a new relationship with just anybody. Not only your friend warned you, but I think you also know this guy is not good for you.
11Christmases
11Christmases
I agree with above replies. This guy is controlling and it will only get worse. Perhaps he is a different type of man than what you're used to. But his behavior is pretty typical emotional abuse - going through your phone and then blaming you for making him insecure. I think the constant messaging while you're with your son is his way of checking up on you, to make sure you're really home and not on a date, or like you said, to make sure he's on your mind - he might even be jealous of the attention you give your own child.

Document everything he does that feels like controlling behavior to you - dates, times, what people said. You might want to keep the documentation handy in case it comes down to you needing a court order to keep him away. You'll need to demonstrate a pattern.
rmb
rmb
" How do I help him understand what he is doing to me and our kids???"

Wrong question. What you should be asking is why am I waiting so long to extract myself from this dysfunctional relationship? . There's nothing you can say or do to change how he behaves. This is who he is.
Froggie83
Froggie83
Run away from him and never look back. He is bad news! You deserve better..
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
This is scary..... Huge insecurity that will be taken out on you..... I would run not walk the red flags are everywhere

You can't change him and he's told you this is how he is.... RUN.....xo
cbgrace1980
cbgrace1980
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. When that happens, sometimes it takes someone else stepping in an advising. Have you thought about seeing a counselor together? In one second a counselor will see his behavior and let him know he's out of bounds. Try setting some healthy boundaries like, if you do this _______, I will not do that ________. That way he makes his own decisions about what the outcome will be. It's a tough position but it sounds like you already know where you stand based on your thoughts. Hang in there!
sassypants1
sassypants1
If the situation that is happening makes you uncomfortable you should leave. I know you receive all this advice to go do these things but this is one you should really listen too. There are multiple red flags, this relationship is not good and can potentially cause you to be in danger.
rianbooyer
rianbooyer
sounds like he isn't stable enough for a relationship....he needs to work on himself and figure out the root to his jealousy before he can really hold down a real relationship. I am guessing he has been hurt badly in the past and he needs to take time to work out the issues.
Aronia
Aronia
It is impossible to explain to someone how to act like a normal person.
His behavior is very inappropriate.. he has trust issues and has no boundaries.
What do you like about him that makes you want to work on this relationship ?
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