Deal breakers are kind of subjective. Calling me an effing whore... let me think abo.. UM YES!?

All the things that were troubling to you in the relationship, you don't want those again. Therefore, they'd be deal breakers, right? Most people, when they have their act together and aren't emotionally stunted, do not do the the things he did. If you're raising children, the bar is that much higher. There's a lot at stake and you don't want them around someone who disrespects you, calls you names or is insecure to that degree. Not cool.

Him being cheated on before, IS NEVER AN EXCUSE to accuse you of cheating, calling you names or going through your stuff. If he has good reason to think you're cheating, like you never come home, you lie, you act suspicious, going through your phone may be ok. But I gotta say, I'd have to have some serious evidence cheating was likely going on.

Glad you got out.

My ex cheated on me. Now her current boyfriend is a lower for several reasons one he doesn't help her pay bills for the house and 2 he is an insecure freak my ex told him why we broke up arsehole put a voice activated recorder in the house to make sure she never cheated on him I found out about it and flipped on him cause I don't want him recording anything about my kids now my ex believes he is cheating on her so they are still together but it's a cess pool 9f insecurity my kids are with me 5 days a week but they say it's not fun being at mom's so yes insecurities while may not be a deal breaker how can you be happy if your always second guessing

Trust is love and love is trust. Insecurity is one thing, controlling and inappropriate behavior is another. In the book "Eat, Pray, Love" Elizabeth Gilbert said something like, "I've often fallen in love with a man's highest potential rather than with the man himself." We are all composed of three parts: our best selves, our worst selves, and our ordinary selves. Most people have the capacity to be amazing people. Whether they choose to access that capacity is the question. If the worst self is really bad, or is in the driver's seat most of the time, a person is not ready for a healthy relationship. In the beginning stages of dating you often only get to see the best self. But over time the ordinary self and worst self will start to show up. Make sure you fall in love with the whole person, not just their highest potential. I've been on this planet 38 years and never called a woman an f***ing w****, and I never will. I think that's crossing a pretty serious line. That being said, sometimes it's the direction of the relationship and not just where you are at the moment that matters. No one is perfect, and if you end up with someone who isn't abusive and is willing to work through his issues, there might be hope. A friend of mine is in a difficult relationship, and when she expresses her concerns to her boyfriend he doesn't always respond well. He blames her for his bad behavior. I often tell her that there's no excuse for mistreating someone you love -- whether you had a bad day at work or are dealing with a contentious ex or whatever. Unkindness is unkindness, whatever the cause. The goal is to find someone who treats you with respect, even if he's been cheated on in the past or is broken in other ways.

Thanks all - I'm not trying to vilify my ex - I also have my faults but maybe we were indeed not at the right place or timing in our relationship. His name calling aside I never really felt we were ready to move in together even after three years.. Gebaird what you said about your friend resonates with me as well - he would always blame his behaviour on me ie I overreacted or kept complaining hence he lost his temper. Yes I certainly hope I can meet someone who respects me and that I can respect.. Need to take some time to heal I guess
Thanks again guys

Wow, gebaird. That was awesome

Saying "My ex cheated and that's why I have a hard time trusting (you)" is BS. I wouldn't even believe it most of the time if/when there's so many other problems with a person's behavior. It's usually just another excuse for insecurity, snooping, low self-esteem, otherwise bad behavior, and doing the things your ex did to you.

You did good to get away from it. Name calling shows a great deal of disrespect and, while I know that being with a cheater does make us somewhat gun shy, it does not excuse treating someone you supposedly care about like crap. When people behave like that, I wonder if they were ever the cheaters. Deep inside they're miserable and it really is sad because like you said, he did a lot of really nice and kind things for you. But when our partners have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde attitude, it always keep us walking on eggshells. I hope he gets some help for his issues. Most of the time people like that are not monsters, they're just damaged. They deserve happiness too but they can't find it because they can't, or won't, face their problems. When you're ready, I hope you find someone who isn't as insecure as he was, and who knows how to treat you with respect. ♥

@bit - Wow! Thank you for your post, you also helped me with it, too!

Wow bit, awesome as well!

Certainly pertains to the guy I just broke up with his ridiculous behavior. I'm just glad that insanity is out of my life.

I think this relationship was pretty toxic as well.... and some of what went on wouldn't have been at all good to have around children... A lot of instability and you can't heal it for him... Big hug....xo

Yes @bit - I don't think he's a monster (not at all) and hope he'll find a way to be happy someday soon too. A part of me feels sad to let him go because I still care about him a lot, I just can't imagine going through the drama again, knowing we are not compatible somehow, and we were tearing each other apart with the demeaning fights. Anyway onwards and upwards from here (still some bad days where I wish I hadn't made that decision) but hopefully... it all gets better soon. :)