Hi,

I have been on DS since Fall 2010. I had to stop working last May due to chronic health problems. I had a good life, a long career and worked past/through my conditions for many years.

I am now working on acceptance, what I can do, what I get to do. I miss the companionship of a partner in life. I am not able to be in a relationship at this point. I appreciate what everyone shares here. The good, the bad, the struggles, the ability to work things out or let things go, to keep moving forward in life.

If I could go back to the level of health I used to have, I would do things differently. I can't go back, I can only live this day and the next.

If I could come to a point of wellness, enough to be in a relationship I would have a different outlook. I have had a lot of time to process the past.

I would get to know someone slowly. I would seek the best in him and in myself. Do not ignore red flags. I would not rush into a relationship. I would lay my own foundation as a whole individual with a healthy outlook.

I would slow down and process it all as it happened. If my gut had reactions I would listen intently. I would let go of insecurities. Reign them in, look for a healthy balance. If I needed help, I would get help. I did not look sick, I was able to amend and adapt for years. For example when I could no longer skate, I began swimming.

I would not pressure my partner with my old baggage. I would remain constructive about his past as well. I sat with a date and he talked endlessly about his last relationship. I thought, he needs a therapist. I am not a therapist. He is not ready, healthy enough to date. If someone does this it doesn't necessarily mean that the partner was good or bad. It does speak to the character & sensibility of your dinner partner.

That happened to me on a first date. We sat down to dinner. He spoke about Liz from the get go. He said she was emasculating, demeaning, a ball crusher and that was all before our drinks arrived. Then in the middle of a bite of food he came in for a kiss. When I ducked the kiss, he called me a prude. I said, "I'm not a prude, just prudent." When did partner bashing become some type of foreplay?

I had been married for a long time. Being single, dating again was weird. That was only my second date. My first date took me to dinner, then dancing. When we climbed the stairs to my door I was so nervous. Would he try to kiss me? Would he even want to kiss me? I had been out of the loop for a long time. When we got to the door he suggested that I put on something trimmed in lace while he relaxed in my living room. I pushed him away and shut the door firmly and easily.

This is when my friends informed me about Dating 101. How the world had changed since I had been out there last. They told me for safety reasons I had to meet a date at the restaurant. They told me I needed to run a background check, make sure he was who and what he said he was very carefully. They made it sound like we all needed to be ensconced in hazmat suits and treat the opposite sex like they all carried a dangerous virus.

It's funny I used to have 30,000 words in a day to communicate with a mate who had 10,000 words a day. We used to get so caught up in things of little to no importance, revolving around body image, clothes, career, activities, jealousy, STUFF, so much white noise at the end of the day.

I know that good relationships take effort, but it should not be so bone crushingly hard. A good partner has your back. They have faith in your abilities, your talents. They are attracted to you physically and emotionally.

I wish I had spent more time thinking what can I do to make my partner's life better tomorrow. How can I love him more, how can I celebrate life and all he brings to the table. My ex used to say that I didn't leave him for the things he did, I left him for the things he didn't do. We were not perfect, but we were good together. We let resentments and hurts build up. He checked out on "us", our children and focused on work. I felt so hurt, I would use up my excess energy exercising and resenting him. We were a good couple, had two beautiful healthy children. We had a lot of major pluses going on...we both let something very special slip away.

He worried and apologized for the kinds of men I would meet in the future . He said it was going to be really strange for me. I had no idea.

As my illness progressed, I had less and less energy to expend. I learned the value of being quiet. I learned the value of what I used to have, used to be able to give and do. I learned the value of love.

I would have more appreciation for a good partner. I would advise others to let go of fundamental deal breakers dates/relationships. I would take the time to know and care for a person with a healthy mentality, a loving spirit with similar values to your own. I would look at how they lived, the truth of who they are by their actions. Seek someone really kind to be a part of my life. A lot of people say I'm this & this, I'll treat you like royalty... and I'll blah, blah, blah. A good relationship is like a good book...you get to know who they are slowly. If they are interesting enough to make you want to turn the page, keep reading. Let someone show you who they are naturally, don't fall for all the talk and the hype.

Self-esteem takes such a hit on us as people...we have precious little in our lives that pampers, give us the kind of nurturing, adventure, fun, care, love and passion we crave. I would seek someone who had that same joy of life. Someone who would seek the best in me as I sought the best in him.

I went on quite a few 1st date disasters. A man I met through work asked me to go out to lunch. I was advised that lunch is a good beginning, not as much pressure as dinner. As we ate lunch he asked where I lived. I lived just north of my employer. He went a little crazy with this info. He said he could only date women within a certain perimeter. I was attractive until he learned that my home was one mile north of this "boundary line." I did not live 10, 15, 20 etc miles away...just a mile and we were done. I was fine with it, imagined his life within the confines of a baby's play pen and was glad to cut him loose.

I was invited out with some friends to shoot pool. A man approached our area & kept staring at me. Finally he got up & said,"Honey, let's go home!" I said, "Does that ever work for you?" He said, "No, but I keep hoping the law of averages will change in my favor."

Another man approached me during a girls night out. He told me he was the handsomest, smartest, coolest and so on guy on the planet and it was immediately game over. He kept checking himself out in the mirror the whole time he talked to me. He then looked at this woman who was looking at him and said," She is not good enough to even drink my bath water." Wow....

I thought she had probably fallen for some line, gotten involved with him and he was a class action jerk. Just my thoughts, but good grief.

Then one night at a singing competition my friends encouraged me to accept a date with a man who kept coming over to talk. I had a gut feeling to say no, but they kept saying you need to give him a chance. He arrived for our date with a bottle of Boone's Farm. Anybody here old enough to remember that stuff? He was completely serious, I was at a loss for words. This is not being mean or judgmental, I knew he had lied about his age or something important.

I went to the bathroom to put my earrings on. When I came out he was laying across the end of my bed. He wanted to know if I thought he was sexy. If I had known him for awhile I might have found this funny or cute, but at this stage of the game, it was just weird. He had lied about his age. It was a bless your heart moment as they say in the south. We did not go out a date.

I met another guy. We planned to go to dinner the following week-end. The next day my kids and I were getting ready to watch a movie when the doorbell rang. It was the guy, with to go food, a big stack of movies. He wanted to know if he could come in. Being new at this dating thing, I invited him in, but it was awkward. I had not encountered the "I'll just show up at your door guy" as yet.

Having been married for a long time/single for a NY minute... I was not ready to introduce my children to potential dates. We decided to settle down on the couch. He sat way too close for comfort. Then he casually put his hand on my leg. I moved myself and his hand away. As I did so my son got his jacket and my daughter got his movies and together we ushered him out the door. It was uncomfortable start to finish. The kids & I laughed about it later, chalked it up to experience and moved on.

Then I met the guy who nervously confessed over dinner that he was married, but we could still see each other. WHAT? A divorce is a hard thing to go through...very hard. Learning how to be single and date also a challenge. Dating a married man, a deal breaker. If I had known I would not have accepted his invitation. He was living with his wife, he was not even separated. He then shared that he would lose everything, he couldn't get a divorce, how she cheated with him while she was still married. It just seemed to get worse and worse. She didn't understand him, she was older than he was and now he wanted someone his own age, to have children with and on & on. I couldn't take anymore of his confessions. I said imagine the reality. I'm at the mall with my children. You are there with your wife. We all run into each other. This is the simple truth of why it's a no, not , never scenario. I can't conduct my life based on bull...won't do it, try it or want it. I advised him to figure his life out and leave me out of the equation.

I also dated some wonderful guys. Great guys who were genuine, charming, fun to be with, laid back & had a good sense of themselves.
Who made my life more interesting, gave me some great stories to tell when I'm an old lady...yes older than I am even now...wise guys!

If I could have a do over, I'd live life more and worry less...thanks for listening.