He's a pig. Let him go live by himself for a while...see how he likes 100% of the workload..

Also, we teach people how to treat us....he does this because he can....you let him. Mind you, the fact that he lets you, makes him a pig....but .....

If you have to do all the housework, then he has to go to work and work both jobs. Sounds like a fair trade to me

Why don't you hire someone to unclog the toilet?

You could also hire kids to shovel your walk.

My husband has a tendency to think he does everything as well. He starts feeling sorry for himself and looking at what I'm doing or not doing and getting irked. Like he wishes he could set MY priorities as well as his. I tell him. Look buddy, You might have this set of expectations in your head about what wifey "should" be doing but that's your problem. lol.

He almost always over inflates the tasks he does on a daily basis and discounts my contributions.

Even if you are the best little worker in the world.. You can only control yourself. You are sure to build up resentment if you start wishing you could direct your husband like you're his parent.

I would ask him to sit down and make a list of task HE agrees to complete.

Could he be digging in his heels because you are insulting him and treating him like a child?

Pink job/blue job--it's all BS--just keep telling him you need help.

I think I can relate to some of what you are saying. At least the part of having some roles. In my marriage things were so blurred. My stbx didn't like to cook,didn't mow the lawn or do raking no problem. But like Shasta said I began to feel resentful, as I did laundry, cleaned and we shared all child responsibilities. I think when your spouse shows some acknowledgment and appreciation for what you do the resentment goes away. But Shastasue is right your expectations are not your spouses. I started to look at it as I am doing these things because I want to and it is how I want my house to be. If there is something I am doing it is for my own reasons not because I am expecting something from spouse. Anyways, now I am single and I do all the shit I want and non of what I don't. Haha,I miss her sometimes but am looking forward to a new relationship down the road.
I hope you and your husband can work it out. Maybe sit down and divide duties. If he's not into it do what you want done and leave the rest.

I should clarify a few things. I work from home. I run an in home day care. So my house NEEDS to be clean. I can't just let things sit. So if there is a light bulb to be changed it HAS to be done, not when he feels like it, but before the next day when I have a house full of kids.

We do sit down and talk about what he can do. He agrees to things but then doesn't do them. And again, I can't wait around. I can't have an overflowing trash bin when people drop their kids off, or I'm doing interviews. He agrees he can see I am overwhelmed, he agrees he should be doing some more things around the house, he agrees that he will do a few more things. And then never does.

He was the one who told me to set the full garbage on the step and when he get's home he will run it to the trash bin. But after a few bags pile up it's always me who does it....because once again....I can't have trash overflowing on the steps. Plus we could get fined by the city.

We can't afford to hire a plumber. Funny thing is he IS a plumber of sorts. He installs toilets, sinks, tubs, tests lines and such as a job. I do pay kids occasionally to shovel the walk but because we live on a corner with tons of walk they want $40 and up!

I know I have some expectations. But I meet his so I feel he should try to meet some of mine. How hard is it to put laundry in a hamper? Change a bulb when asked? Tidy the garage? Sweep up after you make a mess? Throw your trash out?

He will never live on his own and have to live in his filth because if we ever split his mom would come clean his house. She cleaned his bedroom until he moved out with me at 20 years old.

This is the kind of problem that can really benefit from couples' counseling. Your man has the earmarks of a mama's boy who was never taught to take responsibility for chores. Unfortunately, labeling won't take the trash to the curb. There is usually a lot going on beneath the surface of these petty issues, and it usually boils down to a veiled power struggle -- the kind that doesn't go away without insight and open communication.

I hope that the two of you can solve this problem before it manifests itself in larger issues. Peace.

Can't afford couples counselling. In Canada I can get covered for free singles counselling but couples counselling is pay only. It generally goes on a sliding scale but it can't slide down low enough for us haha

So weird that ANY guy over the age of 12 or so would want his mom cleaning his room and in his stuff!

Why not try the luxury personal counseling may afford you ? You sound like you are truly hurting . Could this be emotional abuse ? At the rate you are going you are going to burn out . Then what ? Be good to yourself and a little more self-centered . He should be treating you like a queen . He is obviously a momma's boy that can do no wrong . Sorry if this seems harsh but I really feel concerned and you need all the caring you can get ..

She cleaned his room, packed his lunch, did his laundry....it was understandable to a point. I met him when I was 19 and he was 20. He was less then a year out of having a kidney transplant so at the time I thought it was just her still helping him from when he could not move around after surgery. I found out later that it was like that before surgery too!

I am uncomfortable with counselling. I have been to many counsellers in my life and have never really found one I click with. Small city so there is a good chance I would have to go through the same ones again. I have nothing against the practice itself, but for me it has always felt phoney and forced.

I understand where you are coming from in sharing his history of having his Mother do everything for him. I feel that His relationship with his Mother is between Him and his Mother. If she was willing to spoil and cater to him, that was and is her business. Many might look at the relationship and begrudge him such a deal, but wouldn't it be great if we all had a person in our lives who lived to serve us?? lol Anyway...

My opinion is that you can't change him. You can ask for help, but if he isn't willing, no amount of nagging and complaining will help the situation.

How would you handle the tasks that you want him to do if he were not in the picture at all? If you were a single woman? Maybe if you step back and play a little mind game with yourself.. pretend he ISN'T in the picture. I've tried this myself and I was amazed at how it opened me up to gratitude for the things my husband WAS doing.
Instead of seeing a trash bag that my husband didn't take out and getting pissed. I forced myself to look at it as I would if I were the only adult living in the house. Who would I get irked with then?

I'm not sure I'm getting my point across well.. but it's sort of like taking responsibility for everything we can.. and then when our SO does something to help us out, it's like icing on the cake. So instead of approaching the relationship as "You Should do this" cause I work so hard and you don't"...You're approaching it from.... this person adds this to my life.

If you reach the conclusion that he ISN'T adding anything to your life. Then maybe it's time to take the "I'm responsible for everything I want done" mind game and make it a reality by actually becoming a single woman.

good luck!

Just want to add my sympathy. My EX didn't do much around the house either. In his defense he was gone a lot for work, but I also worked, took care of the kids, house and yard (one acre with many trees). It took a toll on me. We had talks and he would agree to help, but didn't. Have you seen that post going around on facebook? It says "If a man says he will fix it, he will. No need to remind him every six months." ? Apparently we are not alone in this.

I'm divorced now and in a way I'm thankful I was so self sufficient. He was like having an extra child to care for. I do get what you mean by knowing what your role is in the marriage. Then no one has to say anything...it just gets done. (((HUGS))))

funny trash story. We didn't have trash pick-up. He hauled it off and since we lived in the country you couldn't put it outside, animals would get into it. A few times the trash bags got so piled up, you couldn't get past them to go into the other room. I was so thankful when we moved to the city and got trash pick up. Of course I was the one always taking it to the curb and bringing back the bin.

I do handle the tasks I want him to do lol. I asked him to install the smoke alarms and two weeks later I just did it. I asked him to haul out the ladder and change the light in the entryway, I did it a few days later. Generally if it's something I can't do I ask his dad or his best friend comes and helps me. If he wasn't around I wouldn't call his dad and it would probably be weird that his best friend drops everything to help me all the time.

I can honestly say the ONLY thing he does is work to bring in money. Unless his dad is over when he is here. Then his dad forces him to help haha.

For all his shortcoming he is an excellent father. And he is good at making sure my needs are met outside of anything like chores. He can be caring, and sensitive, he will occasionally spoil me with some crazy romantic act. He just doesn't seem to get that doing the dishes, or putting away his laundry, is waaaaay more brownie points then flowers or a bit of jewellery.

I don't want to be single, I just want a partnership that is more about partners and less about care giver and ward.

Well, since you are seeking suggestions, I'll bounce this off you....take or leave...no sweat. I also hope you didn't take my post as a suggestion to leave the marriage. I was only empathizing with you.

You wrote that you are meeting all his needs somewhere in this post (sorry not sure where). Have you considered you may not be meeting his needs? There is a book on the 5 love languages that points out a persons love language. Sounds like yours may be Acts of Service. You also wrote he sometimes does a "crazy romantic act." That may mean his love language is a bit different from yours. In the book it tells about a husband who would take his wifes car to be washed and fill it up with gas because to him he was expressing his love, but to her it was just taking care of stuff that needed to be done. She was more into receiving small gifts which caused her to overlook her husbands gestures.

It's a short read and there are many quick tests on the internet you can take to find out what yours is if you wish to go that route. I know your super busy...again...just an idea. (((HUGS)))