Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi, I been in a relationship for over two years. She a real sweet girl and nice. We had a few breakups, some me some her. Never lasted longer than a day though.
My son is a heroin addict, for about 14 years. I live in the Chicago area, he roams the streets of San Francisco. As in the beginning we enabled him by giving into him, but he been living on the streets now for 5 years. I have stopped that practice somewhat.
Anyway, to the point, he got severely beaten up and was in the Hospital for 7 days, finally and luckily he was released to a rehab place. RIght before entering in the hospital he was going to turn himself into the police here in Chicago. Possession of heroin, and I think stealing. This was a major move.
Anyway, as he was finally transfer to the rehab, he only had one set of clothes. He told me he roomed with 3 other guys. He hasn't always been honest but I know he was there for sure.
I didn't want to initially send him money afraid he would use it unwisely. So I went on line to Walgreen and Target,and while I could buy things at a store close to him, he couldn't pick it up since you need a photo ID.
Finally, thinking the clothes are smelling bad (I am sure that was the case on the streets) and he is in rehab now 3 days with others and having some clean clothes, tooth brush etc, might help boost his esteem a bit , I gave in. No the place they would hardly talk to me or tell me anything.
So, I sent him $75. My GF was really against this and I didn't want to cause waves and wanted a nice evening with her. So while we are driving to a festival, she asked and I told her NO I didn't and I don't want to talk about it.
Two days later I found out my son walked out of rehab, so my help back fired and I was feeling really bad now, and extremely worried about him. Fearing he might end his life.
I told my girlfriend in a email 2 days later, I did give him the money and she was right. I told him I fear for his life.
She blasted me and my EX, and really just said, sorry he using, he'll be ok, he just wants to get high you two are enablers.
Where on some level I can't disagree, but I don't give in to him, she has her points, but at this juncture, I thought this was pretty darn COLD, and uncaring about me and my son.
I also apologized for telling that white lie and told her why I did it. So we would have a nice night and not a show down.
Still she hasn't called, responded to my text. There was no way she would have ever found out, I just thought at this point to tell her the truth,
and now she acted like I cheated on her or something.
I don't lie and this is unusual but I did correct this and let her know.
My fear is, she is now on some site looking. We are in a committed relationship. I asked her to call me and let me know what going on and said I was sorry. She not perfect neither am I. She has not responded to me. All I can do is give her space I guess. Let her make up her mind. I made a mistake sending the money, and lying. I tried to correct what I could with her. My Son, we only pray he is safe. Get clean, is a inside job. No amount of love will cure that. Ths.
My son is a heroin addict, for about 14 years. I live in the Chicago area, he roams the streets of San Francisco. As in the beginning we enabled him by giving into him, but he been living on the streets now for 5 years. I have stopped that practice somewhat.
Anyway, to the point, he got severely beaten up and was in the Hospital for 7 days, finally and luckily he was released to a rehab place. RIght before entering in the hospital he was going to turn himself into the police here in Chicago. Possession of heroin, and I think stealing. This was a major move.
Anyway, as he was finally transfer to the rehab, he only had one set of clothes. He told me he roomed with 3 other guys. He hasn't always been honest but I know he was there for sure.
I didn't want to initially send him money afraid he would use it unwisely. So I went on line to Walgreen and Target,and while I could buy things at a store close to him, he couldn't pick it up since you need a photo ID.
Finally, thinking the clothes are smelling bad (I am sure that was the case on the streets) and he is in rehab now 3 days with others and having some clean clothes, tooth brush etc, might help boost his esteem a bit , I gave in. No the place they would hardly talk to me or tell me anything.
So, I sent him $75. My GF was really against this and I didn't want to cause waves and wanted a nice evening with her. So while we are driving to a festival, she asked and I told her NO I didn't and I don't want to talk about it.
Two days later I found out my son walked out of rehab, so my help back fired and I was feeling really bad now, and extremely worried about him. Fearing he might end his life.
I told my girlfriend in a email 2 days later, I did give him the money and she was right. I told him I fear for his life.
She blasted me and my EX, and really just said, sorry he using, he'll be ok, he just wants to get high you two are enablers.
Where on some level I can't disagree, but I don't give in to him, she has her points, but at this juncture, I thought this was pretty darn COLD, and uncaring about me and my son.
I also apologized for telling that white lie and told her why I did it. So we would have a nice night and not a show down.
Still she hasn't called, responded to my text. There was no way she would have ever found out, I just thought at this point to tell her the truth,
and now she acted like I cheated on her or something.
I don't lie and this is unusual but I did correct this and let her know.
My fear is, she is now on some site looking. We are in a committed relationship. I asked her to call me and let me know what going on and said I was sorry. She not perfect neither am I. She has not responded to me. All I can do is give her space I guess. Let her make up her mind. I made a mistake sending the money, and lying. I tried to correct what I could with her. My Son, we only pray he is safe. Get clean, is a inside job. No amount of love will cure that. Ths.
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
On the other hand - I assume she knew all of this when she chose to proceed with you.
I think you need to let her cool off and rest.
You did the right thing to correct it, and I feel she should be far more understanding and tolerant because of the particular situation you were in at that moment of the evening, since he is your son, and she did put you on a spot questioning you on an evening when you two were to be enjoying yourselves together. It's not about picking battles all the time, but the timing of picking when those battles occur too.
I would like to think, that the 2 years you two have been together that she would have some compassion for your error, and some understanding and have the ability to forgive you for the lie since it's not about her, but your son and you. But, I also realize that to be lied to, most people will think you will just lie again. That's not a good feeling for her, as she has also put her 2 years into the relationship too.
I feel she should understand, even though it was wrong to lie, she should understand that she was putting her boundaries and what she considers you should do, onto you. I feel she should not have said the things she said after the fact, since you are his father because it would be hurtful to hear those things because she does not have the love for your son as you the parent does. Some things are better left unsaid, especially where parental love and despair are involved.
Maybe next time, don't do this sort of thing via email, rather do it face to face so you can at least speak for yourself as she gets angry. To learn in text or email of things like this would make a person more angry than if you were actually present. She probably just went off the deep end with anger for being alone and reading this in an email. Text or email is never a good way to handle a relationship issue, as words don't always come off kindly or with the thoughts you had while writing them in the email.
My DH has a 27-8 year old daughter now, we went through some of this too, back when she was an angry disruptive teen at 13 or so, not drugs, just snotty little girl issues, and soon I learned to stay aside from DH decisions or reasons for saying or doing whatever he did because it was between him and her. Like Aronia said, about needing time for GF for cooling off and rest, I had to do the same stepping back until I came to grips and decided what he does is his business and my opinion is just that. It was his daughter and as her only living parent he was doing his best.
Maybe just giving it some time for your GF to think, she will rationalize and have more understanding of why you were a bit hijacked into telling the lie. I kind of feel like she had you backed into a corner, and knowing that most men are usually seekers of peace over drama, I can understand why you did lie. Then again, I am older and have lived through that sort of stuff, so I get it. I think that at the time, I had a little judgmental thinking to get over too for DH and his daughter, since my son was already grown and raised and a good man and I thought I was helping DH, but, in reality I wasn't. It was way better after my stepping aside. Things leveled out greatly.
This is not to mean that I feel that some lying is acceptable because I don't, but I do understand why you did it and I probably would have done the same if it were my son and in the same situation, and if it were me being her, I would be forgiving of you in the situation and it would take some cooling off time too. DH used to make excuses, which seemed to me at the time like lies, for her behavior and in the end, things worked out...It was quite frustrating at times though.
I hope with time, that things will smooth over and she will heal, and the relationship goes back to what it was and you will both have the trust won again, it may take time. As a parent, sometimes you have to do what you have to do and she must understand and put her judgment and opinions on what she thinks you should do or should have done, aside and allow you to decide. I don't think you enable your son at all times either.
Be patient. Love is not a race but a journey and it ain't always fun or a bed of roses either. It's tough to be in limbo too. Give it some time and don't worry, if she does do the online stuff, then her feelings might not have been as strong as you thought. Only time can give the answers you need. It's also painful to wait when you heart is hurting and you want those answers asap to get the heart to stop hurting and life get back to normal, for some peace.
Sorry, it was so long, but I think and type fast, as a writer does.
I am so sorry about your son.
I suspect it's not the lie specifically that may be her issue but more about her reading the writing on the wall which is that you have this codependency thing with your son that appears to be an ongoing issue. The lie may just be the final straw.
Despite your reasoning about helping your son, to be honest, I don't blame her. If it looks like things aren't changing, why stay? She may have just had enough. Give her space and see if she talks to you about it.
I know he's your son and it must be so painful for you to know how he's living. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom abused prescription meds. It's soul crushing to care about people who are so messed up. I had to set boundaries with them as painful as it was. That included laying down the law with my dad, forbidding him to contact me, see me or ask me for anything unless he was sober. I stuck to that for my own happiness and well being. Selfish, yeah some would say that. But the alternative was being taken advantage of, lied to, financial loss, etc. I deserved better than that. So do you.
This board is so great that way, in which people like yourselves show such wisdom and thoughtful responses and insights.
I especially saw were as mentioned, this might be very hard for her to see it could be a trend with my son, and its something she needs to weigh, no matter what . Thank you all! Sincerely !!!
Professional experience, most good parents who have children with addiction suffer from intense feeling of guil that they contributed to the problem when the child was growing up. This makes it incredibly hard to cut off your child.
It is a tough choice.
I have no idea what I would do if I was in your shoes. Honestly. No
Idea. It is such a difficult situation.
I think the absolute worse thing a parent can go through is having an addicted child. I hope you are going to alanon meetings because there, you will find others who have been in your same situation and learn how they handle life. You can learn how to live your life, free from the emotional manipulation of your addicted son.
You can google meetings in your area.
God Bless!
I have used Tough Love though, which I learned from attending Alanon meetings many years ago, and learned to have boundaries of my own. I'd not talk to them when they were abusing, bc when they are abusing, they aren't the nicest people to be around, but I would be there for them when they weren't.
In any emergency, even if it involved substances, I would be there for them. Always. No matter what, I cannot turn off my love for my family and I accept them, warts and all. I will be there and help where I can.
It is a delicate balance to try to keep, but has to be done for your own sanity, but to cut off all communication with them is also emotionally painful and that pain remains in your mind always. I can't do that kind of pain.
I hope after time, things level out for you and your GF. Give it time.