Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
My husand and I had our 7 year anniversary yesterday. For the last 6 years, we have had a lunch date on our anniversary. Yesterday, I assumed would be the same. Boy, was I wrong! Hubby and his mom went out to lunch instead. She wanted a lunch date with my husband so he could introduce her to some people for the purposes of her selling tickets for a fundraiser of one of the boards she sits on (the money goes to help local non-profit service agencies in the area keep their doors open). I was livid. Why did it have to be on our anniversary over lunch? He said he scheduled it a week ago and had forgot. Ok, from the average man (no offense meant) I would buy that. However, my husband never forgets dates or appointments...ever. The real problem is he won't tell his mom no. He knows it hurt me very deeply, but nothing has changed. I was promised we'd stay home for Thanksgiving and we went to his mom's. I was promised we'd stay home on Christmas but go over Christmas Eve and the 26th (which is when his brother was coming up from out of town). Guess what, we went to his mom's on Christmas as well as the other two days. We also spent New Year's Eve over there (which I didn't fight about...by that time I was just numb). Now it was our anniversary. So, is he lying to me and is it time to leave him or is he just a mama's boy that can't stand up to his mother? I love him, but I refuse to let his mom run our life. To add fuel to the fire, I quit working at the family business he and his mom own a week ago (my last day is January 31st) because of all the fighting over money. The business is in over it's head in debt and is overdrawn by $20,000 at the bank. We can't give employees raises or pay our suppliers (they are all over 90 days out on their invoices). I quit because I feel it is morally wrong to watch your mother-in-law take $1780 a week in take home while no one else makes even 1/2 that...my husband included and the business can't pay their bills. Opinions please on what I should do...if I should stay, what would you suggest I do to save this marriage?
For instance.. If I am angry at my husband because he keeps bashing me over the head with a stick every morning... I would ask myself.. would anyone be ok with this?? The answer would be NO!! so I know I have a valid issue.
So in your case.... I assume there are women who live every day not adding up visitation to the Mother in law and making calendars designating when the Mother in law will get visits and who will go.. hmmmm
This is an issue because YOU are making it an issue.
You asked for my opinion.. so I'm giving it to you. You need to find a way to stop this power struggle and give your poor husband a break.
To save your marriage. Let your husband do what he wants to do..She is his MOTHER for goodness sakes.... When it's a stripper or a hot co-worker.. then you have an issue!
His mother is controlling, he's enabling her to be a controller by allowing her to control his life, that to me is a very unhealthy mother/adult child relationship.
Was he like this with mommy dearest before the two of you were married and if so, did you think getting married would change anything?
She's his mother yes but he's an adult man in a relationship, she needs to learn her place. IMO, in relationship, the two partners should be each other's first priority, the wife/husband should not be put on the back burner because mother feels she needs to come first in their lives.
There's NO WAY IN HELL I'd let a parent or in-law be in our pocket like that.
It's not right and he needs to learn to set boundaries.
talk to him about the $$ situation and let your husband know this is no longer acceptable.
You gotta fight for your family (in a healthy mature way of course) or this controlling Bag is going to destroy your family and finances.
This is only what I would do if I were in your situation. I would tell husband that it's unacceptable to me living in a relationship where his mom (or anyone for that matter) rules our lives. It's our decision where we go, what we do, not her decision. If we have plans to go for lunch or sit home and watch a movie, our plans come first, not mom's plans. I would also suggest we go to couples counseling if we both want the marriage to be saved and be a happy, healthy relationship.
I'm a mom to sons your age (27 and 29). I love my sons, I would take a bullet for my sons, I'll support them but I will not interfere in their lives, in their relationships or try to control them in any way. They are adults, they have their life to live how they want to live it, their partners do and should come first in their lives, they no longer need mommy telling them what to do and controlling them. I've told them both if you ever feel I'm interfering, getting pushy or tell you how to live your life, slap me upside the head.
Her actually telling you that she wants you to be divorced is crazy!
I find it ironic that you keep talking about church! lol I'm picturing you and your Mother in law attending services and then treating each other exactly the opposite of all the Jesus teachings... sorry
If it were me I'd let my husband do what he wanted to do.. I would busy myself with other activities while he was off visiting his Mother and when he came home I'd try not to harp on him and make home a pleasant place to be.. If you are constantly nagging about this issue.. your Mother in law's prediction will come true.. why don't you kill her with kindness and not let her know she is getting to you?? If you really want to get him away from his Mother you'll have much better luck using sugar than vinegar.
As for my Mother in law.. She has passed away. She was a great Mother in law who would actually take my side when my hubby would complain about me to her! when we would visit she and I could talk and talk for hours.. we had very similiar views on things.
Now hubby's sister is another story.. but I never begrudge visits with her .. because she is his sister and family is very important to us ...They even vacation together in the fall.. while I stay home with our children and I think that is wonderful. We have had a few mildly snippy words together over the years. but nothing major.
What I can't see is your trying to control how your husband spends his time.
You're right. I wouldn't want to spend a huge amount of time in my Sister in law's company... but I don't make an "issue" out of it... On Sunday if she is having a football party I happily send my husband over and I say.. "I have housework" & like I said before they even vacation together in the fall.
Somebody compared your Mother in law to the lady on Everybody loves Raymond.. I know the wife on the show is a t.v. character, but how funny would that show have been if she was yelling at Ray and making schedules a year in advance about the days to see his very own Mother? We would have all turned the show off on account of the bad scence vibes! lol.. nobody wants to deal with that level of hatefullness
All I'm saying is by trying to control your husband in this way.. you are putting him in a bad position. The more you nag him about not spending "quality" time with you.. the less he'll probably want to
You asked for advice and this is mine.... If you don't like being around this woman... don't ... but let your husband do what he wants and when he comes home, greet him in a happy way.
Marriage is between 2 adults. Neither party should be "insisting" that the other do their bidding.
Stand firm and Tell him.. " I am not about to subject myself to wrangling the children and defending myself from your Mother's hateful behavior at the same time".... "If you want to visit her and take the children with you, or just one of them, that is perfectly fine with me"
If he gets angry, let him get angry as long as his anger doesn't infringe on any of your personal rights then it's all good.
Think of his Mother just like any other activity that only one of you enjoys.
Does your husband know that his Mother told you she is hoping for divorce? I can't imagine any Father being ok with anyone hoping that his Children endure a broken home. I can't imagine a Grandmother wanting her grandchildren to be from a broken home either.
I just thought of an incident in my marriage.. ( yep, it involves the sister in law. lol)
We only had our daughter at this point and she was under 1.. my sister in law is an outdoor lover and picked water sking for her Birthday Party... I didn't want to go because I don't water ski and I had a tiny baby.
Hubby insisted that I go and I went.. I was miserable! I was grouchy and hateful that day like you would not believe.
Now ( 15 years later) I send him off on his own to all activities I find horrible and he can pout if he wants to... I have learned to stand up for myself in a confident manner through the years. There is no reason your husband shouldn't visit his Mother if he wants to.. but he shouldn't force you to do something that you don't enjoy. That is no way to live.
You and I have a lot in common.. Our daughter is 4 years older than our son as well. And... when my kids were the ages of your kids I was a religious education aide at our Catholic church! lol
Our girl just turned 16 and our boy 12... but I remember the ages of 6 and 2 well... they DO grow up so fast
Anyway... I hope it all works out for you.
All I can add is a hearty good job on killing your MIL with kindness and establishing new boundaries! It shows a lot of character .
Your MIL is in for a rude awakening if she keeps gutting the company for 1700 a week. She sounds like my ex; someone who can't stand being told "no". :)
Take Care