Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I don't generally enjoy sex. I can handle it well enough to partake fairly often...but it's not something I just love doing and do for fun. When I am stressed out I can't even fake it.
Right now I am very stressed out. Stress my partner thinks is dumb and I just need to let it go. But because I am so stressed we are barely having sex. I avoid going to bed at the same time because I know he will try to pressure me in to it. I try to get up before him so that my wake up call isn't him trying to put the moves on me.
I know he has needs too. But right now, with whats going on in my life, I can't think about his all the time. I desperately try to get myself psyched and go for it and we have sex about once every week or two, but that's about all I can manage.
When we are going about our daily lives he takes constant jabs at how I don't give him enough. I may make a remark about something and he will turn it around and make it a comment about how I don't satisfy him enough. He whines to his buddies and his sister (they are close and I'm okay with that) about how his sex life sucks. He will make comments when it is just us, in front of people, or even through text messages.
It stresses me out even more and makes me want sex even less.
Breaking up isn't on the table. We have been together for 12 years and will be getting married. I just don't know how to either get myself in the mood or how to get him to understand what I am going through. I was sexually abused as a child and sometimes when trying to force myself to have sex when I don't want to I have panic attacks. Feeling someone touching me when my mind is screaming I don't want to do this can set me off in to a pretty serious panic attack. So when I say I need something to put me in the mood I need something strong to do it, to get past that.
If he's complaining to family and friends about it, and using it to blame shift you, it won't be long before he has an affair. Men like him are sitting ducks for infidelity, and spouses like yourself, are synonymous for burying their heads in the sand, because they feel inadequate. Don't be that person.
Unless you can work something out, I would caution you to go forward with marrying him. You're situation of childhood abuse and not having an interest in sex, and needing to force yourself to have sex, is very common, and requires a special type of partner, who is mindful and understands, and NEVER applies pressure. Telling family and friends, would have sent me over the top, yet you act as if it's nothing. He's applying pressure, in the worst way possible, to manipulate you through humiliation. This is buzz kill 101 for anyone, and faking it to make it with that person, who's humiliating and blame shifting you into having sex, can feel like rape, in hindsight. I caution you to give this a lot of thought, as it only gets worse with time.
Wishing you well.
Childhood sexual abuse can impact sexual enjoyment as an adult. Have you seen a therapist to help you heal this area of your life? If not, I urge you to consider taking this step.
SuzA
My second opinion on this is that you really need some therapy to help you sort this out. On one hand your not dealing with what happened to you which is causing problems in your relationship and honestly its like punishing someone for something they had nothing to with. On the other hand your man is making you relive all that by forcing himself on when your not interested. That only adds to the stress and pain and causes resentment.
He should be more supportive of the situation and understanding of your feelings and try very hard to help you and not use control or guilt. Like I said before though I am guessing he was not the one that sexual abused you so then his needs are not being met, because of something he had nothing to do with.
I wish you the best and hope you do find some therapy to help get you through this pain. Sometimes just talking with someone and getting it out in the open helps the most.
He is not the bad guy here. Is he dealing with it wrong? Yes. Am I dealing with it wrong? Yes. The whole point was to find a way to meet in the middle.
I have never ever associated sex and love. He can be gentle and loving but for me sex and love do not go together. That is not his fault. He shows me he loves me in a million other ways because he is aware I don't equate sex and love.
The point I was trying to make with my response was that Making love is sharing ones self with someone they love. It more than just physical. Is there any way your mind set about that can be changed?
I was raped at 14 and it took a VERY long time and lots and lots of counseling to be to the point of wanting to be touched, so I understand about how you feel about that situation; however why would you want to continue in this type of relationship, just curious?
Tomorrow is never promised to us and we all need to feel loved/appreciated/wanted/needed/desired, and that means when you see your man it shouldn't be the thought of , "oh boy I don't want to have sex, but since he wants it I'm going to fake it to make it." Yes we all get stressed but man I love getting unstressed with my hubby lol! And that's how it should be! No you're not always going to have blow your back out sex, sometimes quickies are just as good to relax.
I'm the queen of patience but if he hasn't put a ring on it and said I do 12 years in, do you really feel confident/secure it's going to be okay? I'm NOT by any means saying leave him, just from what you wrote IMHO he doesn't seem like a good catch, especially since he knows your history but isn't supporting you 110%! And then gossiping to whoever will listen, making derogatory remarks, and any other things to belittle you and kick you when you're down isn't a good foundation for marriage. The next time he says you don't satisfy him enough I'd kindly have the door open and tell him see ya hope you find someone who will, but that's just me...good luck!
I know there are things I do that make me come off as an insensitive asshole. We all have those attributes. So for me to bail because he has one, even one like this, would be wrong. I firmly believe that if it's perfect....it's fake. I love him, he loves me. I'll fight for him and he would for me if I chose to leave. We work through stuff like this, because if you aren't willing to work at it then you shouldn't be in the relationship.
He is usually kind and supportive of what I went through. But he isn't perfect. And right now he is going through just as hard of a time as I am so I'm not going to fault him horrifically because he is messing up while under immense stress. I want to know what I can do to be better for him in this regards, not what he can do to be better for me. That's his decision to make.
You are absolutely right about WE ALL have flaws and a healthy relationship consists of working through them with someone strong enough to stay committed to working through them. I am usually on here during the week day if you feel like talking. Sometimes that helps also to have someone that has been through similar situations.
Best of luck and big hugs.
Religion is a huge no go. Im an atheist so all avenues that involve Jesus are not an option.
I understand about religion and will not preach to you. Posting here may help and some of the other groups on this site might have better input and advice. I wish I had more to offer as help.