Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have been best friends with the same girl since we were 7, 21 years. Her name is Dee. Go back in time six months and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Now I find myself not answering her phone calls and ignoring her texts.
In January her husband lost his job due to a sexual harassment suit. They moved four hours away. While there the company he used to work for came after him for theft of $26 000 and it came out he had a drug problem. So he is being charged in court here. I've never been particularily fond of her husband, but what I told her on several occasions is that if she is happy then I will support her.
Now she got a job up there, something she has never really been able to do because her husband and kids demand her time constantly. It was something she always wanted to try and I encouraged her to do it. For several reasons above and beyond doing something she wanted to do.
But there is this guy at her work. Ugh. Her marriage is in serious trouble. Her husband seems to think that nothing will come of the charges and that he is cured of his drug problem and he doesn't understand why Dee is devastated at leaving her whole family and support structure behind and moving far away because he royally messed up. Then enter this douche.
He treats her like gold. She pours her heart out to him. She feels like 'she never has before' with him. She texts and calls him behind her husbands back, no sex as of yet but I'm sure that's coming, and he texts and calls her behind his girlfriends back. He want's to leave her but she is a 'master manipulator' making it all her fault that he is emotionally cheating on her. He is manipulating Dee so badly. Then she tells me he has slept with FIVE other coworkers! So much so that he was called in to head office and they talked to him about dipping his stick in the company honey pot. They don't have a no dating policy, so it must of been getting bad. But somehow that isn't a bad thing to her. It was just sex with them, with her it's a deep connection.
I told her that I think she is moving way to fast, that she barely knows him, that she needs to stop and think. She has been planning on leaving her husband for a while. She finally told him she was leaving him if things didn't get much, much better. He needs to attend addiction counselling, stop harassing her about how her job is taking her away from him, help clean around the house, face up to the reality that he may be facing prison time, set and stick to a budget. Things he will fail spectacularily at because he doesn't think she is going anywhere. But how can she tell her husband he has a chance at stopping her when she has already mentally checked out of the marriage??
This guy is smooth talking her and she is letting him. All the while making her hubby believe that he has some small chance to get her back when really he has none. I don't want to hear about this guy who she has such a connection with when I fully believe he is just playing her. I don't want to hear about how her husband and kids are doing this or that and it's making her decision to leave stronger. She will take the three kids if she goes, and this new guy said he has always wanted kids, but I think him taking on her kids is a huge, fat, lie. Plus, her kids are VERY poorly behaved. Out of control actually.
And she is suddenly on this skinny kick. Where she is losing weight, in the start due to stress and depression, now she has become a work out junkie. I'm a bigger girl. I'm fine with that. But when I talk to her she will bring up all this work out stuff and how I should try it and I have to do this and that and then I will be skinnier and that's better. I'm happy how I am, I'm not healthy, she was never big so of course she is much skinnier, and my body size is not directly related to my happiness. She can't seem to grasp that lately.
I don't want to talk to her anymore. And I feel horrible. She was my BEST FRIEND for over two decades and now I ignore her calls. What the hell happened??? We have lived farther away from each other before so it's not the distance :(
In January her husband lost his job due to a sexual harassment suit. They moved four hours away. While there the company he used to work for came after him for theft of $26 000 and it came out he had a drug problem. So he is being charged in court here. I've never been particularily fond of her husband, but what I told her on several occasions is that if she is happy then I will support her.
Now she got a job up there, something she has never really been able to do because her husband and kids demand her time constantly. It was something she always wanted to try and I encouraged her to do it. For several reasons above and beyond doing something she wanted to do.
But there is this guy at her work. Ugh. Her marriage is in serious trouble. Her husband seems to think that nothing will come of the charges and that he is cured of his drug problem and he doesn't understand why Dee is devastated at leaving her whole family and support structure behind and moving far away because he royally messed up. Then enter this douche.
He treats her like gold. She pours her heart out to him. She feels like 'she never has before' with him. She texts and calls him behind her husbands back, no sex as of yet but I'm sure that's coming, and he texts and calls her behind his girlfriends back. He want's to leave her but she is a 'master manipulator' making it all her fault that he is emotionally cheating on her. He is manipulating Dee so badly. Then she tells me he has slept with FIVE other coworkers! So much so that he was called in to head office and they talked to him about dipping his stick in the company honey pot. They don't have a no dating policy, so it must of been getting bad. But somehow that isn't a bad thing to her. It was just sex with them, with her it's a deep connection.
I told her that I think she is moving way to fast, that she barely knows him, that she needs to stop and think. She has been planning on leaving her husband for a while. She finally told him she was leaving him if things didn't get much, much better. He needs to attend addiction counselling, stop harassing her about how her job is taking her away from him, help clean around the house, face up to the reality that he may be facing prison time, set and stick to a budget. Things he will fail spectacularily at because he doesn't think she is going anywhere. But how can she tell her husband he has a chance at stopping her when she has already mentally checked out of the marriage??
This guy is smooth talking her and she is letting him. All the while making her hubby believe that he has some small chance to get her back when really he has none. I don't want to hear about this guy who she has such a connection with when I fully believe he is just playing her. I don't want to hear about how her husband and kids are doing this or that and it's making her decision to leave stronger. She will take the three kids if she goes, and this new guy said he has always wanted kids, but I think him taking on her kids is a huge, fat, lie. Plus, her kids are VERY poorly behaved. Out of control actually.
And she is suddenly on this skinny kick. Where she is losing weight, in the start due to stress and depression, now she has become a work out junkie. I'm a bigger girl. I'm fine with that. But when I talk to her she will bring up all this work out stuff and how I should try it and I have to do this and that and then I will be skinnier and that's better. I'm happy how I am, I'm not healthy, she was never big so of course she is much skinnier, and my body size is not directly related to my happiness. She can't seem to grasp that lately.
I don't want to talk to her anymore. And I feel horrible. She was my BEST FRIEND for over two decades and now I ignore her calls. What the hell happened??? We have lived farther away from each other before so it's not the distance :(
I think u said it right here, and there is nothing wrong with saying this to her. You love her but this is how you feel. When she tries to discuss it, tell her you don't want to hear it, or that you have to go.
I don't think you need to cut out the relationship all together, but you don't have to be present for this either, if you know what I mean.
And the part about confiding in him, like no other, I can see how that would hurt your feelings since you have been such a loyal long time friend. I do agree w Aronia, in that I think she meant a man. You can still be friends, without having to listen or agree to everything. Friendships take turns, have peaks and valleys. A little distance may be what you need.
I've continued to be her friend because I obviously get something out of the friendship. What it is? I'm not really able to put it in words.
I have another best friend who meets my need to talk about myself and my issues but I rarely talk about those things with people I know. I come from a background of seriously messed up....most people know a little (small city) but I just keep most of it to myself. So the fact that Dee never wants to really talk about me works for me lol.
She is going through a stage in her life that you have no control over, and it's no where near over. There will be a lot more to come, before it gets better, and you'd need nerves of steal to hang on.
Let her go through it, and once she's been caught or remarried or whatever the outcome, you can be there for her. And if she can be the friend you knew and trust, re-friend her, but I don't see any reason you should feel like you need to stay friendly, and take her silly boy-talk calls. You don't have to make it terminal or say anything to her, just do like what you do, "oh the kettle's chiming, baby's crying, someone's at the door," and enough of these, and she'll get it.
I wish you well with this.