Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have been best friends with the same girl since we were 7, 21 years. Her name is Dee. Go back in time six months and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Now I find myself not answering her phone calls and ignoring her texts.
In January her husband lost his job due to a sexual harassment suit. They moved four hours away. While there the company he used to work for came after him for theft of $26 000 and it came out he had a drug problem. So he is being charged in court here. I've never been particularily fond of her husband, but what I told her on several occasions is that if she is happy then I will support her.
Now she got a job up there, something she has never really been able to do because her husband and kids demand her time constantly. It was something she always wanted to try and I encouraged her to do it. For several reasons above and beyond doing something she wanted to do.
But there is this guy at her work. Ugh. Her marriage is in serious trouble. Her husband seems to think that nothing will come of the charges and that he is cured of his drug problem and he doesn't understand why Dee is devastated at leaving her whole family and support structure behind and moving far away because he royally messed up. Then enter this douche.
He treats her like gold. She pours her heart out to him. She feels like 'she never has before' with him. She texts and calls him behind her husbands back, no sex as of yet but I'm sure that's coming, and he texts and calls her behind his girlfriends back. He want's to leave her but she is a 'master manipulator' making it all her fault that he is emotionally cheating on her. He is manipulating Dee so badly. Then she tells me he has slept with FIVE other coworkers! So much so that he was called in to head office and they talked to him about dipping his stick in the company honey pot. They don't have a no dating policy, so it must of been getting bad. But somehow that isn't a bad thing to her. It was just sex with them, with her it's a deep connection.
I told her that I think she is moving way to fast, that she barely knows him, that she needs to stop and think. She has been planning on leaving her husband for a while. She finally told him she was leaving him if things didn't get much, much better. He needs to attend addiction counselling, stop harassing her about how her job is taking her away from him, help clean around the house, face up to the reality that he may be facing prison time, set and stick to a budget. Things he will fail spectacularily at because he doesn't think she is going anywhere. But how can she tell her husband he has a chance at stopping her when she has already mentally checked out of the marriage??
This guy is smooth talking her and she is letting him. All the while making her hubby believe that he has some small chance to get her back when really he has none. I don't want to hear about this guy who she has such a connection with when I fully believe he is just playing her. I don't want to hear about how her husband and kids are doing this or that and it's making her decision to leave stronger. She will take the three kids if she goes, and this new guy said he has always wanted kids, but I think him taking on her kids is a huge, fat, lie. Plus, her kids are VERY poorly behaved. Out of control actually.
And she is suddenly on this skinny kick. Where she is losing weight, in the start due to stress and depression, now she has become a work out junkie. I'm a bigger girl. I'm fine with that. But when I talk to her she will bring up all this work out stuff and how I should try it and I have to do this and that and then I will be skinnier and that's better. I'm happy how I am, I'm not healthy, she was never big so of course she is much skinnier, and my body size is not directly related to my happiness. She can't seem to grasp that lately.
I don't want to talk to her anymore. And I feel horrible. She was my BEST FRIEND for over two decades and now I ignore her calls. What the hell happened??? We have lived farther away from each other before so it's not the distance :(
In January her husband lost his job due to a sexual harassment suit. They moved four hours away. While there the company he used to work for came after him for theft of $26 000 and it came out he had a drug problem. So he is being charged in court here. I've never been particularily fond of her husband, but what I told her on several occasions is that if she is happy then I will support her.
Now she got a job up there, something she has never really been able to do because her husband and kids demand her time constantly. It was something she always wanted to try and I encouraged her to do it. For several reasons above and beyond doing something she wanted to do.
But there is this guy at her work. Ugh. Her marriage is in serious trouble. Her husband seems to think that nothing will come of the charges and that he is cured of his drug problem and he doesn't understand why Dee is devastated at leaving her whole family and support structure behind and moving far away because he royally messed up. Then enter this douche.
He treats her like gold. She pours her heart out to him. She feels like 'she never has before' with him. She texts and calls him behind her husbands back, no sex as of yet but I'm sure that's coming, and he texts and calls her behind his girlfriends back. He want's to leave her but she is a 'master manipulator' making it all her fault that he is emotionally cheating on her. He is manipulating Dee so badly. Then she tells me he has slept with FIVE other coworkers! So much so that he was called in to head office and they talked to him about dipping his stick in the company honey pot. They don't have a no dating policy, so it must of been getting bad. But somehow that isn't a bad thing to her. It was just sex with them, with her it's a deep connection.
I told her that I think she is moving way to fast, that she barely knows him, that she needs to stop and think. She has been planning on leaving her husband for a while. She finally told him she was leaving him if things didn't get much, much better. He needs to attend addiction counselling, stop harassing her about how her job is taking her away from him, help clean around the house, face up to the reality that he may be facing prison time, set and stick to a budget. Things he will fail spectacularily at because he doesn't think she is going anywhere. But how can she tell her husband he has a chance at stopping her when she has already mentally checked out of the marriage??
This guy is smooth talking her and she is letting him. All the while making her hubby believe that he has some small chance to get her back when really he has none. I don't want to hear about this guy who she has such a connection with when I fully believe he is just playing her. I don't want to hear about how her husband and kids are doing this or that and it's making her decision to leave stronger. She will take the three kids if she goes, and this new guy said he has always wanted kids, but I think him taking on her kids is a huge, fat, lie. Plus, her kids are VERY poorly behaved. Out of control actually.
And she is suddenly on this skinny kick. Where she is losing weight, in the start due to stress and depression, now she has become a work out junkie. I'm a bigger girl. I'm fine with that. But when I talk to her she will bring up all this work out stuff and how I should try it and I have to do this and that and then I will be skinnier and that's better. I'm happy how I am, I'm not healthy, she was never big so of course she is much skinnier, and my body size is not directly related to my happiness. She can't seem to grasp that lately.
I don't want to talk to her anymore. And I feel horrible. She was my BEST FRIEND for over two decades and now I ignore her calls. What the hell happened??? We have lived farther away from each other before so it's not the distance :(
Your friends sounds like hard work. Really, really hard work. It's hard to watch a train wreck - so I get it.
As CopingJust stated, sometimes we outgrow friendships. Rather than avoid her I would suggest that you address the situation directly with her. Maybe you can maintain some relationship with her if you set up certain boundaries such as not discussing her relationship with her co-worker. Even if you have to part ways right now, it isn't necessarily forever. I stopped speaking to one of my childhood friends for a number of years but we were able to reconnect about five years later when we were back on the same page.
I have always loved myself for who I am no matter my size. I used to be smaller then she was but at 17 I had a minor heart attack. At 21 I had a second one. I have some heart issues that restrict my exercise. So I filled out. But she can make me feel bad about myself in a way no one else can. She has always accepted me for who I am, not how big or small I am. But now all of a sudden my size is a big issue. I'm 5'7" and 215lbs.
I don't get how I outgrew it so fast though. I went there to visit her a few weeks ago and we had a lot of fun. Granted, we were with our men most of the time so her talk of the jack ass was limited. But it felt like it hadn't been four months since I'd seen her.
You're adults now, and you see her morals and values very clearly. She's being deceitful to her whole family by being someone's secret emotional affair. Personally, when I see blatant, cowardly deceit, I am turned off and my trust with them fades. Once its gone, the relationship is over.
If you can't tolerate her lifestyle, then you need to be honest with yourself and her. You could continue to avoid her but then you're promoting the same secrecy and lies that she is living.
Friends should add to your life. Supporting them through rough times is one thing; but trying to deal with a person who continues to sneak around; who's carrying on with a man who sneaks around.. goes against the grain. Be true to yourself and you'll know exactly what to do.
Good luck
All you have to do is just listen and be a friend.
If it is too much, then you have the right to withdraw.
I understand why you are upset, because I also watched my friends do this kinda stuff and my friends watched me do stupid stuff.. it goes both ways.
I know you care about her, but if you truly love her, trust her to figure this out on her own and at her own pace. She will.
I remember this friend.
People are ever changing. This is a rough phase.
I would shy away from her for now, but not burn the bridge.
From the sound of it, she is going to need you. She is playing a dangerous game with the guy at work and her husband sounds like a nightmare.
When she brings up the topics you don't want to hear, tell her someone is at the door or your rice is boiling over! lol
Hang in there!
I am avoiding her now, but only about two thirds of the time. The rest of the time I pick up the phone. And she is aware of how I feel about this. I wasn't quiet about it when she told me.
I'm sure I have done stupid things. But never, in my life, have I lived up to this calibur of dumb lately. Her husband is a real piece of work, he has been since the day they met. But she loved him and she was happy. Now that she is not I told her I would support her in any way I could with leaving him. But I won't support her doing what she is with this dude.
Many comments here are advising you to just hang in there and support her. I understand that to a certain degree.
But reading your feelings I can tell that you are tired of her not being accountable for her actions. You have every right as her friend to be bluntly honest with her. There is no reason at all that you should feel so uncomfortable with her; so let her know how you feel. No holding back - then take a well deserved break.
Its not always easy to car about someone and out of all our connections in life, our BFF should be the one to be the brave, honest one with us. Be that for her. Be that for yourself.
It seems like you are receiving some useful perspectives here, but you will have to decide what you can manage and what you cannot. As others have said, if you disagree with her behaviour, you have the right to withdraw from her or to refuse to discuss it with her. Attempting to influence or to control the decisions she makes however will cause frustration for you and resentment for her. You may even find that warning her about the other guy drives them closer together, since she will see him as "the only one who really understands."
As the first reply said, watching a train wreck is hard, but, if someone is committed to crashing, it is not within your power to stop it. We can only learn some lessons if we teach ourselves.
I figure what I am doing is probably withdrawing. She told me the other day that she has never had someone to confide in like she does him. Gee. Thanks. What have I been doing for 21 years listening to everything you have ever had to say? So I know she is in this too deep to even see reason if I tried.
Whatever it is, the cheating thing would also bother me. Sounds like she has drained you and you have a lot going on in your own life.
Maybe it is time to take a break from this friendship.