This is a difficult situation as you are also long distance. For me I wouldn't trust him. To say it was from a porn site and then he is texting back and forth. That doesn't add up.

I would get the phone records on that and call that person anonymously. If it were me I would feel like he wasn't being honest and that would betray my trust. I think he got caught and then had to come up with some excuse. He needs to be really transparent right now and if he seems like he keeps hiding things you may decide to get some counseling or let him know you are not ok with the long distance relationship.

I would never want to be with someone who I couldn't 100% trust completely and know that he would never cheat.

Let us know how things go....I'm sure more will offer some advice here. I haven't ever been in this situation.

Any kind of emotional contact with another woman is cheating. If it was an actual person I would kick his ass then leave. He should be a man and end the relationship with you before he enters another relationship. Men are so stupid!

caseyk, My attitude about cheating is - if he wouldn't do it in front of you, it's cheating. Integrity, respect and honesty are SO important for a marriage to last long-term. I would ask him if he would consider counseling with you. If this marriage/relationship is important to you then it's worth trying to fix. That being said, both of you have to want the marriage to work. You can not work on the marriage by yourself. If he won't consider counseling, that speaks volumes.
Hugs,
T

I told him to be with me, and he immediately got a flight and is with me since then. But i'm not even talking to him. I told him i want him to set up for couples counseling and he is getting the appointment. I told him i want him to get all the tests done before he touches me. I am really and deeply hurt, but i don't want to throw away the marriage. I told this to my sister-in-law, and she is with me, but she's asking to give him a chance. I can't believe i'm puling her into this, she's 8 months preg, but i had no where to go. I want him to learn that this is not acceptable. How can i do it.

Set your boundaries and stick with them. Don't give an inch on any future cheating. Make it clear to him what you consider cheating and what the consequences for cheating will be. Stick with counseling until the counselor says the two of you no longer need it. Sometimes the other party will go to counseling for a few sessions to look good, but with no real intention of improving or changing the relationship. I don't think your situation is hopeless, if his true intentions are to save your relationship. The fact that he is willing to go to counseling is a good start. Time will tell what is really going on with him. All the best to you!

I don't know if I'd call any kind of emotional contact with another woman cheating- what about a good friend? I have a very good male friend and we are totally platonic.

But this was obviously about sex, since he tried to pass it off as porn. What he probably really means is singles/hookup site. This is a definite problem, but the long distance thing is pretty rough.

Sounds like it's time for counseling and a heartfelt discussion about the workability of a long-distance marriage. Obviously, if he's sniffing around for sex this early on, this setup is not sustainable for him.

And if it truly was only porn, where no person was involved, I'd be ok with that,especially since you're apart. But emailing/texting a porn site? How does that even work? Sounds like a lie.

It's not like he just watched a porn DVD; that's a pretty harmless way to let off steam when your partner is far away.

I confronted him and got him to speak. He has registered in match.com and some hookup site called date hookup. I asked him to log in and I checked his profile and his account. He has send invites to several women, and invited for drinks. He has even spent a night with one women. I have taken proof of all those messages incase I might need them in future to prove his infidelity. I told him he has broken my trust and things can never go back. I am not sure at this point whether to stay in the marriage or leave him. I want to think with a calm head and not make hasty decision. I've asked him to transfer all the bank accounts and cars to my name, and I've told him that there should be complete disclosure. I told him I'm going to track him every single day all the time. I'm also separating all the accounts from him, so he doesn't have any financial influence on me in case I go for a divorce. I know I'm emotionally a wreck but I want to make logical decisions. I'm also planning to get separate counselling and planning to join some martial arts class to let my steam and anger off and help me think clearly.
Any advice from anyone will really help me a lot. I'm a complete mess right now, and crying all the time. I need all the support I can get.

I think you haven't gotten enough answers to your problem here. Do you love him? If the answer is yes, then I would reel him in and find out why he did this. Ask the tough questions. Why is he talking to people outside your marriage? And then just ask him if he wants to remain married, because your not feeling like you should if his conduct is already off the tracks after only one year of marriage. It's a big deal. And yes, he made a really stupid mistake. I think you can recover from this, but the work should not be on your side, it has to come from him. Is HE willing to work to regain your trust? That is the question here. If it's a big deal to you, he should know that and in turn it should be a big deal for him. I would take it back to him and explain it like that. If he isn't willing to work it out and wants to minimalize it, then you have marriage that will fail. Because a partner that can hurt you like that and not work to mend the wound will only do it again. That is a fact.

casey, You are in a very difficult position. I think it is wise for you to go to counseling on your own. A good counselor will be able to help you figure out if his infidelity is something that you can forgive and move on from. Also, did he have a history of cheating on former girlfriends or on you prior to your marriage? If so, he may be the self-centered cheating kind, and that's a kind that will only break your heart over and over again. I also think you are wise to set yourself up financially to separate from him. Trusting him in any way right now should not be an option. He will have to earn your trust back, and he will have to be willing to do anything you need to prove himself worthy. I know you are in a lot of pain right now, and my heart goes out to you. You are doing a lot of the right things to take care of yourself.
Hugs,
T.

You've gotten a lot of great advice already so I'll be brief. From what you've written it sounds like he is remorseful and willing to go to counceling. If his bad behavior is not part of a bigger pattern then I think there's a good chance the two of you can work through this - IF that's sincerely what you BOTH want.
You obviously had trouble trusting him BEFORE discovering his ugly texts or you may never have checked the phone records and found out.
Hope things work out for the best (whether that be individually or remaining as a couple)

I feel sad about what you are going through. He has broken trust. I echo some of what Livetowin wrote. Have a heart-to-heart and ask questions from a "broken" spirit (as much as possible) instead of an attacking one. This will help him to open up about these things and you can work together to get to the root. Then you can decide if you want out of the marriage.

If both of you want to work on healing (you and him) and continue in the marriage, you CANNOT live apart. This is top priority if you want to work on healing/rebuilding trust. I don't know all the particular circumstances of your situation but living apart is not good. Even if you have to lower your standard of living, is there a way for both of you to live together? If you lived apart out of choice, rather than necessity, I would say the both of you made a mistake that can be learned from. This is no way, of course, excuses his infidelity.

Be careful of co-dependent behaviors. You are not his accountability partner...you are his wife. Boundaries would need to be set but he has to decide to work on him......you have to decide to work on you (healing). A good marriage counselor that has experience in dealing with sexual addiction/infidelity could help the two of you learn healthy boundaries where you are NOT responsible for making sure he is being faithful.

I'm glad that he is willing to go to counseling....I'm glad that he made the decision to come clean (eventually) and fly to you. Apart from knowing anything else, it seems that he has a desire to work on reconciliation and healing.

The two of you can emerge from this stronger and have a deeper intimacy than you ever have had. It will take time to rebuild trust but your relationship can go to deeper levels if the two of you both decide to stay together.

Thanks for all the advice. I trusted him all along, and I think he took advantage of my trust. I dtnt doubt him. I wasnt feeling sleepy, and I called him. But the phone kept ringing for over an hour. I was scared cos that never happened, and wanted to make sure he was ok. And logged online to the account to track him. and then I found out all this. If I hadnt called that night, I would have never known all this. I feel so stupid.

It sounds like he's sorry because he was caught. He did not come to you and say "I'm having a hard time with this long distance thing, we need to talk about this".

I would not give him much benefit of the doubt here. He's got a lot of proving to do.

He has got an appointment for counselling today. I don't even know wt to do. I feel so disgusted to see his face, and him and I staying under the same roof now. I'm crying all the time. I try so hard not to cry at my desk at work. It's not even been a year. I was planning for our 1st anniversary outing, and he was planning for dates. OMG, I feel so horrible and i feel like the earth should just open up and swallow me and take me off existence. I'm feeling so churned up inside. All my frnds are going to Italy, and spain and hawaii with their husbands, and i'm going to counseling. I don't even have anyone to go and cry to. Everybody thinks my marriage is perfect. Even my parents. And just when i thought my life was perfect, this had to destroy everything.