have you tried talking it out? like explaining your frustration (maybe your already doing that since you said your in marriage therapy) but if thats still not working, maybe offer some alternatives to make him feel more comfortable when you two are being intimate... you can offer a special date plan, say how much it would mean to you? and hopefully, if what he says is true that he cares about you.. he should atleast make an effort. Hope this helps!

If you take the intercourse out of equation, what is your relationship like?
Are you in therapy because of sex or something different ?

Thank you so very much. And yes I've talked to him about it for years. He makes attempts but it is short lived. He only makes those attempts when i mention it. It feels like there's something wrong with me. He swears there's not. We also tested his testosterone and his levels were high. It's like he wants to fix it and says it's his issue and nothing to do with me. I'm just so frustrated.

Our relationship is good besides that. We're great friends and he says he adores me but he doesn't show it.

"He sayd he adors me but doesnt show it??" Do you just mean he physically doesnt show it?.. makes me wonder, (JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE SORRY IF IT OFFENDS YOU) BUT all seriousness aside (pls take this as a joke and not as a rude comment) but... is he gay or did something traumatic happen like was he molested? There so many labels nowadays on sexual orientation I dont even know but maybe theres some psychological reason to why his not interested in sex. Its not biological at all? (maybe)

well, I hope you dont have to suffer so long having not have your needs met, but if this is really straining the relationship... something has to give, you know? you have to decide if its worth being with someone who doesnt want to be that intimate with you, perhaps you can ask your marriage therapist some options, again sry about the last post if it offended you didnt mean too, but wanted to put it out there, sorry! :(

Hi guys! Thank u so much and neither of u offended me at all. He's never been molested or anything traumatic. He says he's just not a very sexual person. That he doesn't think of it as much as I do. In the past he's even gotten so upset or maybe angry about it, and called me a nympho manic. Which really hurt me bc all I want is for him to want me. I don't ask for much. And yes I've thought about if I can live this way. It's really wearing on me after years of it. I love him so much. Maybe that's why I've not left yet. Actually I did leave last year and I got an apartment. I just remembered that. He wooed me back and promised it would be different. He was better for awhile but it was a very short while.

I so appreciate all of u. I just wanted to say that. Just talking to me means so much and feels like all of u care. It's a good feeling. ❤️

Oh also, we do talk to the therapist about it and my husband just says he's not as sexual as me but that he's attracted to me, turned on by me, and that there's no one else he sees that way and he swears on our children's lives.

Look into "The Five Languages of Love". He may be telling you how much he loves you in his "language", but because your language is physical/sexual, you can't understand and interpret his expressions of love.

If he just has a lower sex drive than you, it is unfair to insist that he ramp it up for you, to do something that is uncomfortable for him and become someone he is not, to appease you. Just as it is unfair to insist that you lower your sex drive for him. The key to a successful marriage (and all relationship) is compromise. If your value your marriage, you and your husband will strive to find a compromise in this. Is this the only issue in your marriage and the reason you are in marriage counseling? Or is this just one of many issues?

It's one of a few but this is our main issue. I value our marriage more than anything. That's why I'm asking for help. I'll read the five languages of love. Thank u so much.

Maybe by offering up some better bedroom suggestions, he might try something new to make your sex life spicier. Perhaps talk to an expert in sexual therapy, they might give you some ways to help your husband. Don't demand it because issues like this take time. Good luck

My husband and I face similar issues... except that the roles are reversed. I have a low sex drive, and his is much higher. I go through phases where I want to be sexually intimate, but for the most part I just prefer emotional intimacy, i.e. long talks, snuggling, just overall being together.

This is who I am. Even as a child, I never wanted hugs or anything like that, and I was first born so it really annoyed my parents, hahahaha. But as the person on the other side of the aisle, I feel for you... because I feel for my husband.

I do, I feel guilty that I just don't want sex most of the time. He is trying to be intimate, show me his feelings and satisfy his needs, but I just don't want it. There is no rhyme or reason, there is no secret mystery which upon uncovering will "fix" me in that respect. I try to meet in the middle as often as I can - but without doing so in a way which will make me resentful toward him.

I love my husband and am attracted to him. So when he says he loves you and are attracted to you - I'm sure he's telling the truth. If he were lying, he wouldn't be going through therapy with you.

Some other things to consider:

- Does he have his own depressions / anxiety which could make it harder to reach him? I suffer with depression and when I'm really down, it's that much harder for me to bring myself to a place where I can be intimate. I go through talk therapy on my own for it. Maybe he could benefit from the same?

- Is he an introvert who is oftentimes in social situations? Maybe working around a lot of colleagues all day, or even worse, with the public (ew)? If so, it could be causing him to be totally drained by the end of the day or when he is relaxing with you.

- What sort of porn does he like? I ask because maybe you can try something different to get yourselves roused up? For example, I hate video porn, I cringe thinking about it. It just grosses me out and I can't stand it. Even sex in movies makes me close my eyes, and I' a full-grown woman, coming up on 30. However, I love to read. Most of what I read is mystery, horror, thriller, etc. And mostly written by men, which is not typically very sexy. I've never been big on romance, but I do appreciate the occasional steamy scene. Well my husband has often suggested we indulge in video porn together to see if it helps me (spoiler alert: it doesn't)... but one day I said let's do something different. I purchased a collection of erotic stories on Kindle and we lay there in the dark, taking turns reading aloud, until I was ready to go. This satisfied me in a couple of different ways. The first being I was able to communicate intimately to him in the way of my preference, calmly reading to one another, no pressure - cuddles and total relaxation. The second was I was able to fantasize and enjoy the ramp-up period through my favorite entertainment avenue. So I ask again - what sort of porn does he like? Video, reading, graphic art, things that aren't "porn" but really are? Maybe you two can take some time indulging in his type of pornographic art.

- Are you two playing around with sexual deeds where his arousal isn't necessary? Like oral, toys, etc.? If you're going through therapy, I assume you are, but wanted to ask anyway. This way, your needs could be met and he would be a part of it.

Best of luck!!

Please don't take this as something mean but, deep down inside you know there is something wrong, very wrong. God gives us the wisdom, through the Holy Spirit, we have to be quiet enough to listen. Most of the time we don't want to hear something when it is painful.
He isn't being honest. I know this personally, of course, everyone's relationship is different. But actions speak louder than words. The truth is everyone wants a storybook romance, but sometimes our marriages aren't what we expect. We are supposed to take what is given to us and look towards God. Easier said than done. Much easier said. UGH!
I don't have the answers and either does anyone else, you know deep down inside what is going on. But what we can do is give you untiring support. With prayer, answers will come. I am praying myself for what seems similar to your situation. What I have been told by the Holy Spirit, right now there is "Power in Silence". We must have the patience to wait on the Lord, he hears our prayers. Hold on. In the meantime, we are here for you! Hugs!

I have to disagree with the comment above me about him not being honest about something. He is honestly trying to go through marriage counseling with you, which is meaningful. I am the very non sexually active person in my marriage and while I'm not denying something else could be going on in yours - I'm not saying that there must anything else going on either.

You know your marriage. Please don't let people tell you there's something "wrong" with it or that he's lying if it doesn't align with the vibes your getting.

It's frustrating, I know because I see the frustration it causes in my marriage. It sucks. But I love him and we work through it.