Healthy Relationships Support Group
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No one here knows me. So I thought I could write this and get honest opinions and get it off my chest as well.
I am married. We have issues. I have lost my way in the marriage. Wanting something else, something more. I have low opinion of myself. I am 50. I got involved with someone on a chat site. We shared a lot between us. I thought we both wanted to be with each other. She was several states away. I was going to drive to meet her at one point but things happened and that didn't work out. Anyways, I came to my senses and realized that this wasn't right and I ended all communication with her. My wife knows about it and although nothing physical happened she is hurt by me, which I get. We are trying to work things out. The problem I have is the woman was half my age. I believed she really wanted me. Is this a mid life crisis? Is it my low self esteem and I'm being dumb enough to think a 25 yr old would actually be attracted to me?
But now another 26yr old started working at my job and we talk a lot and she has complimented me a few times. Again, here I go, my self esteem absorbs this and then I can't control myself emotional state. I asked her to lunch yesterday, but luckily she declined, cause after I asked I knew I shouldn't have. She said next week, and now I will try hard to blow it off and not do it.
Maybe it is a combination of everything, midlife, self esteem, marital issues, that really have me all messed up. I mean there are other young attractive women here and yet I have never felt anything towards them or said anything or asked them to lunch or anything.
I am just so messed up and wish I wasn't and just want to be normal.
There are 6 basic human needs and my top 2 are significance and love/connection. I am not feeling that at home and the first woman gave me that. But I need to know how to realize and accept what I am and ignore these moronic feelings I get.
Thanks for anyone who read this.
I am married. We have issues. I have lost my way in the marriage. Wanting something else, something more. I have low opinion of myself. I am 50. I got involved with someone on a chat site. We shared a lot between us. I thought we both wanted to be with each other. She was several states away. I was going to drive to meet her at one point but things happened and that didn't work out. Anyways, I came to my senses and realized that this wasn't right and I ended all communication with her. My wife knows about it and although nothing physical happened she is hurt by me, which I get. We are trying to work things out. The problem I have is the woman was half my age. I believed she really wanted me. Is this a mid life crisis? Is it my low self esteem and I'm being dumb enough to think a 25 yr old would actually be attracted to me?
But now another 26yr old started working at my job and we talk a lot and she has complimented me a few times. Again, here I go, my self esteem absorbs this and then I can't control myself emotional state. I asked her to lunch yesterday, but luckily she declined, cause after I asked I knew I shouldn't have. She said next week, and now I will try hard to blow it off and not do it.
Maybe it is a combination of everything, midlife, self esteem, marital issues, that really have me all messed up. I mean there are other young attractive women here and yet I have never felt anything towards them or said anything or asked them to lunch or anything.
I am just so messed up and wish I wasn't and just want to be normal.
There are 6 basic human needs and my top 2 are significance and love/connection. I am not feeling that at home and the first woman gave me that. But I need to know how to realize and accept what I am and ignore these moronic feelings I get.
Thanks for anyone who read this.
Leaving a relationship in hopes someone else might fill your needs often doesn't work. I think individual counseling for yourself might be helpful to you, to find out why you need attention from others to make you feel good about yourself.
Personally I would be totally not interested in a guy half my age.
Is this just an ego boost?
Are you and your wife in counseling?
Are you in counseling?
I think that may help.
(((hugs)))
OTM It probably is ego boost, with having low self esteem and 50. Never had that ever in my life. Never had women compliment me or think i was good looking or be the guy where women would talk about and want to be with.
Misred, As far as I know I always filled her needs. I do whatever she wants me to do. i guess it is just my issues with myself that I need to get over.
What if you could get all the admiration, sex, physical attractiveness and affection from your wife. Would that change your mind?
Tell your wife what you need from her whether it's admiration, recreational companionship, spend time with your wife... leave this other girl alone have no more contact. Until tell you figure out what you want from your wife and what kind of relationship you want with her everyone else should never happen. The emotional affair you had was wrong and just as bad as a physical affair. There should be no friends of the opposite sex for either of you because one thing can lead to another and they're so understanding.
Guess I just needed some unknown to kick me in the ass and tell me that.
Thanks all.
For the first two, you can't have it both ways. You are either in the marriage making it work, or you are out and you can date anyone you want, regardless of their age. Commit. Stay and deal. Or leave and deal. Your option is one or the other. NOT BOTH!
As for needing someone to compliment you/tell you that you are a good person, hello! EVERYONE needs that. Everyone needs to be validated by the people around them, and everyone person gravitates towards the person or people that give them the most emotional validation...that's just human nature. But having someone compliment you doesn't mean that you have to have an affair with them! You say thank you, you feel good, then you move on.
And as for your pitiful cry that you are "old and your life is over"...seriously? Are you planning on leaving us tomorrow? Because average says you've got another 20-30 years if you are decently healthy. You've got another third of your life to live.
You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, but it's up to you to create that relationship with a willing partner; however you decide to do it.
And as a side note--there is absolutely nothing wrong with an age gap in a relationship as long as both people are open an honest about their expectations and abilities, just like any other relationship.
You wrote: As far as I know I always filled her needs. I do whatever she wants me to do
When you say, "as far as I know" to me that is saying you are assuming. My point is maybe wife is also assuming. Doing what a spouse asked is not necessarily meeting needs.
If you google the five love languages, and read up a little I think you might understand what I'm trying to tell you better. It's hard sometimes to write it all out.
and there is nothing bad about wanting admiration from your spouse. It's just a form of validation...it says you mean something to me. Nothing wrong about that. If you go on facebook there are tons of people posting things for attention....it's human nature
It's very common for us humans to take the wrong path. The path that seems easier, but in actuality makes us feel bad and guilty and ruins the lives of the people we love the most.
If the evil one can get us to feel hopeless, to feel self pity, to feel needy and just in general be a sad sack...
What if you came from a place of strength and gratitude for what you do have?
Young girls can flatter you and make you FEEL good. Your wife can give you the cold shoulder and make you feel old and ugly, but you know what?
You aren't any younger or more vital because a young girl tells you that is the case.... and you aren't any older or near death because your wife rejects you. You are who you are and you need to KNOW who you are... when we decide who we are by the reflection in other people's eyes it's a pretty powerless and sad existence.
Another thing... you are 50? If you live to be lets say.. 90. You are willing to live for 40 long years with the attitude that life is "all but over" ? That seems like a really long time to consider yourself done.
And I had no intention or thought of an affair with the co-worker. I just asked her to lunch and realized that it was dumb for me to do that. Again, it is an issue with someone saying something nice and me not being able to handle it the right way.
Being introverted and having no friends is part of my issues as well. So someone that talks to me and is nice gets me all messed up. And I do agree as well age is no factor if you are in love with each other.
Thanks for the input.
I will tell you from personal experience much like yours that online relationships don't work out often, because people are liars and a lot of people are out for what they can get from you. Its sad , but its true.
I am almost 44 and I went through a divorce from a abusive woman with mental illnesses. I had met someone right here on DS and I fell in love with her, because she met all my needs (for an online relationship). See the truth finally came out after she had used me for over 3 years and cost me thousands of dollars. I learned that I was stupid and gullible and taken advantage of. I would say in your situation these women 1/2 your age are either looking for a sugar daddy or playing you for what they can get. It is very rare that they actually care for you in the capacity that you are desiring.
I would say read the book that was suggested to you. I have and its very insightful! Second after you read that book try to have your wife read it too and both of you sit down and then talk about it and see if you are truly on the same page with how you show love to one another. Oh ya you can actually go online and take a test from that book that will teach you what your love language is. Last, but not least work through it with your wife in therapy and don't hold back. Try to find the spark back in your marriage and if it dose not work then at least you can say you tried.
Best of luck !
Find the time and go away for a long 4 day weekend together...make it happen. Decompress. No computer, stay off the chat rooms, hide the cells in the car if you have to. Just go away and spend time with each other. Laugh. Do something silly. Watch a show. Miniature golf. Rent bikes and ride them. The beach is awesome off season.
Get dressed up and take her out for cocktails and dessert. Coffee on the balcony or porch in the morning.
Make time for a weekly date night. Go bowling. Skiing. Snow tubing. Walk along the river. Stay up 'til midnight. Romance her. Flirt.
***Internet relationships are (mostly) not real. Everyone is more perfect. No one farts. Their houses are clean, teeth brushed, oil changed the the cars.
Talking to people is okay, but you should be sharing hopes, dreams, flirting, etc with your wife. But we all get into ruts...so get out of it.***
Good luck,
Patti
I understand there are five love languages, peeps, and the trick is each person in a relationship bending a bit to the other person so those love languages coalesce harmoniously.
If you can be with someone 25 years younger then does that mean you can also be with someone 25 years older?
Can you tell I don't like the big age difference? LOL!!!!
Her ?
There is nothing wrong with what you want but I think your wife should be able to give it to you.
I can be very needy on occasion and I make it known upfront that I have mommy/ daddy issues and want my man to do certain things to make me happy.