Healthy Relationships Support Group
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A quick note on my past relationship because its causing me problems thinking clearly about this one. The last relationship I was in the person would constantly tell me things and not follow through. Along with other problems I finally left him. The last thing he said to me was a bit of advice. He said I was to nice and that he knew I loved him so he could pretty much not follow through with dates etc.. because as long as he gave me what sounded like a reasonable reason he could get away with not doing it.
Now for my problem. The very end of April I met an amazing gentleman, One catch hes still married. I found out on the second date about it. He explained they have been separated for almost two years, she has dated men since then and he has seen people. She has even went and moved to another county and is buying a house. There is nothing between the two of them except a piece of paper. There is no bitterness there it just did not work. He said the only reason the divorce had not happened is she had money issues and was having trouble getting her half of the money up to do it and he just forgot about it. Marriage is very important to me and that piece of paper bothers me. I said no way I could not do it. We really did hit it off well so he asked for time to get in touch with her and find out what was going on. It took a few weeks for her to even call back. When she did she said she was filling bankruptcy and could do it right after. That did not happen. I was falling hard for him at that time but still trying to keep a clear head. He said he would just go pick up the papers and pay for it himself. Then his job puts him on 12 hour days. There was absolutely no way he could get to the court house to pick up the papers to start it. At that point it was really starting to get it me. He took off early one day and got the papers. Then they sat at his house for another couple of weeks without him touching them. He said with him working so much he was just tired. He brought the papers to me and left them at my house so that when we spent time together I could help him and make sure they got done. Well they sit here for 2 weeks because things got busy when we saw each other. He finally sit down and we started filling all the stuff out. I talked to him later the next day after he went home and he said he hated to tell me this but he thought it would be much simpler. There where to many things she had to fill out also and to get her to meet him somewhere and to then fill it out and go get her to go with him to get her signature notarized was going to be next to impossible. So he said the best thing to do was to just hire a lawyer. I called around for him at his request and found one at the cost of $500. He said he needed some time to get the money up. Then he broke his foot at work and it put him out almost 2 weeks. He then said that he was going to need a little bit more time to get everything caught up again but he still had every intention of doing it it would just take a bit longer and he asked me to be patient. At that point I was 3 months into the relationship and in love so I of coarse said I understood. Approx 2 weeks ago he said the way he figured it he should be able to have the money in 6 weeks which would put us right at the end of September. Now today it looks like something else might have happened which might set him back. He has not said it would yet but I can definitely see how it would. He lost his wallet somewhere today which had over $250 in it. As of yet its not to be found and it is not looking good.
Besides that issue the man treats me like a queen. I could call him at 3 in the morning and I have no doubt he would be there for me. He knew my car was not in great shape and it worried him so much because I did not have a cell phone in case it broke down so he went out and got me one and put me on his plan. I was also paying for a bill of mine by donating plasma and the idea of me being tired and having the needle in me got to him so he his now paying that for me. I did not ask for either thing he is just very old fashioned and feels that he should protect me and my son in any way he can. Hes the gentleman that always opens doors, fixes things in my house, I have given up long ago offering to pay for any dates he feels that is his part. Honestly I feel like I get more than I give but he assures me that is not the case at all and I give much more than I realize.
Finally on to my question. Am I doing exactly what my ex said I do. The reasons he gives me sound good but I am wondering if I am not being walked over and he really has no intentions of doing it. I told him I cannot wait much longer. It feels wrong to me and love him or not I have to walk away at the end of the month if the process has at least not been started. If I wasn't pushing so I hard I can guarantee he would not be bothering to even try to do it. He hasn't even bothered asking me for the lawyers name and he needs to make the appointment by the end of the month. I am a bit confused if this is a case of life happens and he really is trying and I need to stop pushing and let him get his ducks in a row and be more patient or is it a case of to many excuses and he knows how much I love him so he thinks he can get away with it.
If you managed to get through reading all of that I really do appreciate it and I would love to hear your opinion. I am not trusting myself and my own decisions right now.
Now for my problem. The very end of April I met an amazing gentleman, One catch hes still married. I found out on the second date about it. He explained they have been separated for almost two years, she has dated men since then and he has seen people. She has even went and moved to another county and is buying a house. There is nothing between the two of them except a piece of paper. There is no bitterness there it just did not work. He said the only reason the divorce had not happened is she had money issues and was having trouble getting her half of the money up to do it and he just forgot about it. Marriage is very important to me and that piece of paper bothers me. I said no way I could not do it. We really did hit it off well so he asked for time to get in touch with her and find out what was going on. It took a few weeks for her to even call back. When she did she said she was filling bankruptcy and could do it right after. That did not happen. I was falling hard for him at that time but still trying to keep a clear head. He said he would just go pick up the papers and pay for it himself. Then his job puts him on 12 hour days. There was absolutely no way he could get to the court house to pick up the papers to start it. At that point it was really starting to get it me. He took off early one day and got the papers. Then they sat at his house for another couple of weeks without him touching them. He said with him working so much he was just tired. He brought the papers to me and left them at my house so that when we spent time together I could help him and make sure they got done. Well they sit here for 2 weeks because things got busy when we saw each other. He finally sit down and we started filling all the stuff out. I talked to him later the next day after he went home and he said he hated to tell me this but he thought it would be much simpler. There where to many things she had to fill out also and to get her to meet him somewhere and to then fill it out and go get her to go with him to get her signature notarized was going to be next to impossible. So he said the best thing to do was to just hire a lawyer. I called around for him at his request and found one at the cost of $500. He said he needed some time to get the money up. Then he broke his foot at work and it put him out almost 2 weeks. He then said that he was going to need a little bit more time to get everything caught up again but he still had every intention of doing it it would just take a bit longer and he asked me to be patient. At that point I was 3 months into the relationship and in love so I of coarse said I understood. Approx 2 weeks ago he said the way he figured it he should be able to have the money in 6 weeks which would put us right at the end of September. Now today it looks like something else might have happened which might set him back. He has not said it would yet but I can definitely see how it would. He lost his wallet somewhere today which had over $250 in it. As of yet its not to be found and it is not looking good.
Besides that issue the man treats me like a queen. I could call him at 3 in the morning and I have no doubt he would be there for me. He knew my car was not in great shape and it worried him so much because I did not have a cell phone in case it broke down so he went out and got me one and put me on his plan. I was also paying for a bill of mine by donating plasma and the idea of me being tired and having the needle in me got to him so he his now paying that for me. I did not ask for either thing he is just very old fashioned and feels that he should protect me and my son in any way he can. Hes the gentleman that always opens doors, fixes things in my house, I have given up long ago offering to pay for any dates he feels that is his part. Honestly I feel like I get more than I give but he assures me that is not the case at all and I give much more than I realize.
Finally on to my question. Am I doing exactly what my ex said I do. The reasons he gives me sound good but I am wondering if I am not being walked over and he really has no intentions of doing it. I told him I cannot wait much longer. It feels wrong to me and love him or not I have to walk away at the end of the month if the process has at least not been started. If I wasn't pushing so I hard I can guarantee he would not be bothering to even try to do it. He hasn't even bothered asking me for the lawyers name and he needs to make the appointment by the end of the month. I am a bit confused if this is a case of life happens and he really is trying and I need to stop pushing and let him get his ducks in a row and be more patient or is it a case of to many excuses and he knows how much I love him so he thinks he can get away with it.
If you managed to get through reading all of that I really do appreciate it and I would love to hear your opinion. I am not trusting myself and my own decisions right now.
I would not bother with him until he is legally divorced.
He seems to have a lot of convenient excuses not to get this divorce done and over with.
I would be really leery of that.
Tell him to give you a call once the divorce is finalized and then you can pick back up where you left off.
I bet that divorce suddenly happens.
One thing I have learned is that it's often hard to not bring stuff from previous relationships into current ones- your ex made excuses- you loved him and he took advantage of your good nature- that's HIS bad not yours! In your current relationship- if his being married is a problem for you- then you have the right to say so and to decide what YOU want to do- leave what your ex said out of it- just think to yourself how this makes you feel and decide what you want to do about it.
IMO a "separated man" is the same as a married man -- I have always considered them off limits and unavailable. You might get your heart broken on this one, my dear, as MOST MEN realize they don't really WANT another serious entanglement right on the heels of a divorce. Like it or not, you may have been his "rebound" relationship. It happens ALL THE TIME.
My best advice to you has already been given -- I like what onetoomany had to say "Tell him to give you a call when his divorce is final." No ifs, ands or buts.
Just my two cents.
I am pretty sure I am not the rebound girl. Since his separation he has had one "friends with benefits" that he had to break off because she wanted more and he was not ready and another girl he dated and actually liked which lasted longer but she had to move to another state to take care of her mom.
I know falling in love after only 3 month sounds a bit soon for some but when I met my late husband I was 15 (I am 37 now)and he asked me to marry him with in the first month of dating. He passed away in 06 or we would still be together until this day. If I do not feel anything strong after a month I usually walk away. I don't continue dating anyone after a few weeks if I don't feel "it". No other way to explain it. It is not that lust you have for someone in the beginning it is just something else hard to explain. The one time I did not listen to myself and gave the guy longer it ended up really bad and I was unhappy for the last year of our relationship.
On a side note the day my mother met my father she was actually going over to the apartment to meet her boyfriend and my dad was his roommate who she had not met. That night when she left she said she told her friend that's the guy I am going to marry. Referring to my dad not her boyfriend. A couple of kids later and many many years they are still happy.
He was originally trying to get the do it yourself divorce. His ex told him just fill out everything then tell her where to sign. Problem was some of it had to be notarized and it asked for other information he dot not have. She really did not want to waste her time sitting down and filling the stuff out then them going to get it notarized so she said just hand her the papers and she will get it done when she could. Which basically meant we would have to wait however long until she felt like doing it. That's why he said he needed a lawyer. With a lawyer basically he would fill out his part the lawyer would get a court date if she does not show up to protest it(which she will not) then the judge can grant it. She doesn't care about getting the divorce she just doesn't want to have to put any effort in it.
I promised he had until the end of the month to get it started or I am leaving. Truthfully I am just not sure at this point I would though. I know I would not give him forever to get it done but at the same time I don't think I am quite ready to throw in the towel. While the paper is a huge issue it seems kind of silly to end it when everything else feels right.
Actually the more I think about it the more I have an idea. If at the end of the month he still does not have the money I will give him one more opportunity. It cost 250 to get it started. It might seem to be harsh but I will ask for an envelope at my house that every week I want to see 50 in it after he gets paid. That way there will be no excuses and in 5 weeks he will have it. It would also be proof he is working towards the goal. If he doesn't seem to like that idea then I will simply cut my losses and walk away. Lets hope it doesn't come to that though and he does what he said he would and gets this started soon.
I don't think that I came right out and said "dump this guy" but YOU already have expressed disappointment and gut feelings about how this relationship is going.
One other thing, if you only knew this guy for 3 months, IMO that's nowhere near long enough to make a commitment of marriage. I subscribe to the FOUR SEASONS rule -- you should spend four seasons (one year) getting to really know someone before making a long-term commitment. Just my two cents.
If in 90 days he can't file the paperwork to start the divorce proceedings then he's not worth it.
You also encourage him to spend time with his EX if he wants to, but not have sex with her. Don't be jealous. Let him close things with her in a peaceful manner and in person if he wants to. Its ok.
Its nice that you have a bunch of romantic stories about other people beating the odds in their marriage, but you should not expect this to turn out the way those did.
You are making some pretty risky assumptions about what will happen in his divorce. The court can distribute assets and debts in ways that most people can't even imagine. Right now he doesn't have a pot or a window. Believe me, it can get worse.
Don't let him play you like he has been any longer.
Keep in mind the saying about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure.
Whatever you do, KEEP PUSHING on this one. I would hate to see you come back here in six months or a year and still have this unfinished business hanging over you. xoxox