Healthy Relationships Support Group
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A quick note on my past relationship because its causing me problems thinking clearly about this one. The last relationship I was in the person would constantly tell me things and not follow through. Along with other problems I finally left him. The last thing he said to me was a bit of advice. He said I was to nice and that he knew I loved him so he could pretty much not follow through with dates etc.. because as long as he gave me what sounded like a reasonable reason he could get away with not doing it.
Now for my problem. The very end of April I met an amazing gentleman, One catch hes still married. I found out on the second date about it. He explained they have been separated for almost two years, she has dated men since then and he has seen people. She has even went and moved to another county and is buying a house. There is nothing between the two of them except a piece of paper. There is no bitterness there it just did not work. He said the only reason the divorce had not happened is she had money issues and was having trouble getting her half of the money up to do it and he just forgot about it. Marriage is very important to me and that piece of paper bothers me. I said no way I could not do it. We really did hit it off well so he asked for time to get in touch with her and find out what was going on. It took a few weeks for her to even call back. When she did she said she was filling bankruptcy and could do it right after. That did not happen. I was falling hard for him at that time but still trying to keep a clear head. He said he would just go pick up the papers and pay for it himself. Then his job puts him on 12 hour days. There was absolutely no way he could get to the court house to pick up the papers to start it. At that point it was really starting to get it me. He took off early one day and got the papers. Then they sat at his house for another couple of weeks without him touching them. He said with him working so much he was just tired. He brought the papers to me and left them at my house so that when we spent time together I could help him and make sure they got done. Well they sit here for 2 weeks because things got busy when we saw each other. He finally sit down and we started filling all the stuff out. I talked to him later the next day after he went home and he said he hated to tell me this but he thought it would be much simpler. There where to many things she had to fill out also and to get her to meet him somewhere and to then fill it out and go get her to go with him to get her signature notarized was going to be next to impossible. So he said the best thing to do was to just hire a lawyer. I called around for him at his request and found one at the cost of $500. He said he needed some time to get the money up. Then he broke his foot at work and it put him out almost 2 weeks. He then said that he was going to need a little bit more time to get everything caught up again but he still had every intention of doing it it would just take a bit longer and he asked me to be patient. At that point I was 3 months into the relationship and in love so I of coarse said I understood. Approx 2 weeks ago he said the way he figured it he should be able to have the money in 6 weeks which would put us right at the end of September. Now today it looks like something else might have happened which might set him back. He has not said it would yet but I can definitely see how it would. He lost his wallet somewhere today which had over $250 in it. As of yet its not to be found and it is not looking good.
Besides that issue the man treats me like a queen. I could call him at 3 in the morning and I have no doubt he would be there for me. He knew my car was not in great shape and it worried him so much because I did not have a cell phone in case it broke down so he went out and got me one and put me on his plan. I was also paying for a bill of mine by donating plasma and the idea of me being tired and having the needle in me got to him so he his now paying that for me. I did not ask for either thing he is just very old fashioned and feels that he should protect me and my son in any way he can. Hes the gentleman that always opens doors, fixes things in my house, I have given up long ago offering to pay for any dates he feels that is his part. Honestly I feel like I get more than I give but he assures me that is not the case at all and I give much more than I realize.
Finally on to my question. Am I doing exactly what my ex said I do. The reasons he gives me sound good but I am wondering if I am not being walked over and he really has no intentions of doing it. I told him I cannot wait much longer. It feels wrong to me and love him or not I have to walk away at the end of the month if the process has at least not been started. If I wasn't pushing so I hard I can guarantee he would not be bothering to even try to do it. He hasn't even bothered asking me for the lawyers name and he needs to make the appointment by the end of the month. I am a bit confused if this is a case of life happens and he really is trying and I need to stop pushing and let him get his ducks in a row and be more patient or is it a case of to many excuses and he knows how much I love him so he thinks he can get away with it.
If you managed to get through reading all of that I really do appreciate it and I would love to hear your opinion. I am not trusting myself and my own decisions right now.
Now for my problem. The very end of April I met an amazing gentleman, One catch hes still married. I found out on the second date about it. He explained they have been separated for almost two years, she has dated men since then and he has seen people. She has even went and moved to another county and is buying a house. There is nothing between the two of them except a piece of paper. There is no bitterness there it just did not work. He said the only reason the divorce had not happened is she had money issues and was having trouble getting her half of the money up to do it and he just forgot about it. Marriage is very important to me and that piece of paper bothers me. I said no way I could not do it. We really did hit it off well so he asked for time to get in touch with her and find out what was going on. It took a few weeks for her to even call back. When she did she said she was filling bankruptcy and could do it right after. That did not happen. I was falling hard for him at that time but still trying to keep a clear head. He said he would just go pick up the papers and pay for it himself. Then his job puts him on 12 hour days. There was absolutely no way he could get to the court house to pick up the papers to start it. At that point it was really starting to get it me. He took off early one day and got the papers. Then they sat at his house for another couple of weeks without him touching them. He said with him working so much he was just tired. He brought the papers to me and left them at my house so that when we spent time together I could help him and make sure they got done. Well they sit here for 2 weeks because things got busy when we saw each other. He finally sit down and we started filling all the stuff out. I talked to him later the next day after he went home and he said he hated to tell me this but he thought it would be much simpler. There where to many things she had to fill out also and to get her to meet him somewhere and to then fill it out and go get her to go with him to get her signature notarized was going to be next to impossible. So he said the best thing to do was to just hire a lawyer. I called around for him at his request and found one at the cost of $500. He said he needed some time to get the money up. Then he broke his foot at work and it put him out almost 2 weeks. He then said that he was going to need a little bit more time to get everything caught up again but he still had every intention of doing it it would just take a bit longer and he asked me to be patient. At that point I was 3 months into the relationship and in love so I of coarse said I understood. Approx 2 weeks ago he said the way he figured it he should be able to have the money in 6 weeks which would put us right at the end of September. Now today it looks like something else might have happened which might set him back. He has not said it would yet but I can definitely see how it would. He lost his wallet somewhere today which had over $250 in it. As of yet its not to be found and it is not looking good.
Besides that issue the man treats me like a queen. I could call him at 3 in the morning and I have no doubt he would be there for me. He knew my car was not in great shape and it worried him so much because I did not have a cell phone in case it broke down so he went out and got me one and put me on his plan. I was also paying for a bill of mine by donating plasma and the idea of me being tired and having the needle in me got to him so he his now paying that for me. I did not ask for either thing he is just very old fashioned and feels that he should protect me and my son in any way he can. Hes the gentleman that always opens doors, fixes things in my house, I have given up long ago offering to pay for any dates he feels that is his part. Honestly I feel like I get more than I give but he assures me that is not the case at all and I give much more than I realize.
Finally on to my question. Am I doing exactly what my ex said I do. The reasons he gives me sound good but I am wondering if I am not being walked over and he really has no intentions of doing it. I told him I cannot wait much longer. It feels wrong to me and love him or not I have to walk away at the end of the month if the process has at least not been started. If I wasn't pushing so I hard I can guarantee he would not be bothering to even try to do it. He hasn't even bothered asking me for the lawyers name and he needs to make the appointment by the end of the month. I am a bit confused if this is a case of life happens and he really is trying and I need to stop pushing and let him get his ducks in a row and be more patient or is it a case of to many excuses and he knows how much I love him so he thinks he can get away with it.
If you managed to get through reading all of that I really do appreciate it and I would love to hear your opinion. I am not trusting myself and my own decisions right now.
You just put it plainly. "I'm not comfortable having a serious relationship with you while you are still legally married to someone else." Then cool things off until he gets his butt in gear on his own. Doesn't mean you have to ignore him or stop dating, just stop putting expectations into the relationship that he can't meet. Mentally prepare for the fact that he may drag his feet continually, excuse after excuse, and you finally may decide to look for someone more available. You don't need to nag or mother him. This is his responsibility.
Being that I'm still married, I date but I don't get serious. Now my ex gets into serious living together situations, which I think is kind of silly, but it's his life. When dating anyone that is merely separated, you really ought to hold back on getting too emotionally involved, it's a variable you can't control.
Just a word of friendly warning from the male perspective here... When a man is inspired to be with a woman and only one obstacle stands in his way, he removes it immediately. If he has reserves or is hiding something in his portrayal of himself, then he starts courting excuses and becomes the magnet of "bad luck". You my friend have a fella here with serious reserves. And I would dare say, he likely is not telling you the whole story with his wife. She conveniently lives in another country? Wow. How interesting. Does she know she's getting a divorce? That's such a huge red flag. And your glowing trust is something he caters to by constantly painting himself as a victim of misfortune. It's time you wised up and quit with the empty ultimatums. If you have convictions about marriage, SHOW THEM.
There's no other way to say this. That guy is full of sh*t. And you need to quit putting your desires ahead of your principles. You know this is wrong, so back off. My guess is this guy has no intentions of getting a divorce and is just playing you on the side. Words without actions are just words. And this guy has fed you every BS line in the book. Take back your principles and put this guy on the sidelines. Tell him he needs to finalize this divorce before the two of you can revisit this bond. My bet is he will go away after one last plea for sympathy and that will be the end of it. He's no more the real deal, than this fictional divorce he's created.
At this point I have no intentions of leaving. I made it clear that I could not stay in the relationship with him married and he had to have the paperwork started by the end of the month or I was gone. I guess he thought what we had was worth it because the paperwork has been started. He did what I asked so I will not walk away now. Lawyer says it will take about 30 days unless there is a problem. The only thing I am concerned about at this point is she needs to stop by the lawyers office and fill out a few things. Which even though she does live in a different county she does come out here and work 2x a week (and as luck would have it it is located on the same street the lawyer is located.)He says she has no problems with the divorce. However I keep replaying something he said about the first conversation he had with her about doing this. She had wanted to know why the hurry all of the sudden and if he was with someone. He said he told her yes and her answer was well I guess we better get this done then. Without hearing her tone of voice when saying that though I don't know if it was sincere or sarcastic. If it was the latter it might be a problem. Lawyer did say if she wont come down that it can still be done quickly it will just cost a little more. Money is not to much of an issue since the foot is healed and he is back to working full time.
I do appreciate everyone's comment and opinions but he did what I asked so at this point i will give him the benefit of the doubt and give him the time the lawyer says it will take to make it final.